Thread by @MaxieMoosie, There's a commonly held belief that autistic people cannot read social cues. [...]

There's a commonly held belief that autistic people cannot read social cues. Like most things autism, there is a grain of truth to this, but it's also very misleading.

Let me explain.

Note: I'll be using allistic because it specifically means non-autistic, but one can be allistic and ND. I feel like this thread is really autistic versus not-autistic values, so using allistic makes more sense to me than NT.

First a primer.

Something that comes up when talking about autistic and allistic interactions is the double empathy problem.

Short definition: autistic and allistic people fundamentally communicate differently, so communication between them breaks down.

In fact, I could probably just say that the belief autistic people cannot read social cues is because allistics have completely different social expectations that they never communicate, and it never occurs to anyone that the reverse is also true.

But there's more to it.

Autistic communication is all about being very direct and totally sincere. If you want something, state it directly. If you are confused about something, ask.

Allistic communication seems the opposite. It's based more on implicit meaning than directness.

To allistics, communication is more adversarial. And if you disagree with that, here's what a lot of us have experience:

An allistic gives a direction that is somewhat ambiguous. Autistic asks for clarification. This is seen as not paying attention or insulting their directions.

Here's a thread I did that commented on the somewhat adversarial nature of allistic communication if you go off script with them. https://twitter.com/MaxieMoosie/status/1426381222104600577?s=20

https://twitter.com/MaxieMoosie/status/1426381222104600577?s=20

A lot of autistic instincts just don't occur with allistics.

For example, autistic people typically love sharing information, facts they learned, things they care about. It's a form of bonding. I mean, this is interesting!

The degree of it creeps the shit out of allistics.

As I mentioned, communication is adversarial, so if I'm infodumping about say, coffee, an allistic person might assume I was deliberately telling them they are wrong or indicating their lack of knowledge about espresso is a serious character flaw.

Rather than ask, "Why are you sharing this?" which is admittedly a rather aggressive question, they just run with their first assumption.

And that seems to be a lot of allistic communication - assuming your first assumption is correct.

And because allistic people from the same culture are socialized the same way and have similar instincts, there is a certain pattern that makes that adversarial assumption style of communication work. Somehow.

Autistic people are socialized the same way, but our instincts are just fundamentally incompatible with that style of communication. But we can learn the rules, however it's a rote process based on observation and takes a long time.

Usually by adolescence is when your communication style sets in. I find allistic children are far more sincere than autistic adults. I guess they've been picking up the rules and their teens is when things set it.

But an autistic teen has to suddenly learn a new style by rote.

So there's a bit of whiplash when puberty hits and suddenly you go from being a weird but kinda interesting kid to a creepy ass teenager who can't read social cues with no (at the time) discernible causation.

Though it gets easier to mask as you age.

So when your peers are starting to date and go into adulthood, you have to completely relearn the rules. By rote observation. And let me tell you, a lot of the cues are really fucking ambiguous.

I might see two allistic strangers meet at a party and start schmoozing. What I see is they walk up to each other and start talking. I cannot see them bonding over a shared interest, that they previously knew each other, or that one is uncomfortable but too polite to show it.

So I might walk up to someone and start talking. What do I talk about? Something interesting. So I infodump.

However, I am breaking some weird rule so it's more socially acceptable to the uncomfortable person to say, "Whoa, that's creepy," to me, and I just get really confused.

And again, this does get easier as you age because you pick up more of the rules by rote, and incorporate that into your masking. But it always runs against your natural instincts, so it makes socialization exhausting.

That mask does come off when you're really comfortable with someone, but we've all had allistic friends we got along great with, dropped the mask, and they did not take that well at all.

They don't realize we're showing how comfortable we are, and it's devastating.

And let's say you've learned allistic social cues. Guess what? Sometimes there's multiple interpretations and our brains break down trying to discern which it is. Our instinct is to ask for clarification, but that's considered adversarial.

So we assume the most charitable interpretation and if it's wrong, it's assumed we just weren't listening. We were, you weren't communicating well and refuse to take responsibility!

Or sometimes it's a confusing cue. Let's say I exchange numbers with an allistic person and they say, "Maybe I'll call you sometime." Intellectually, I know this is a polite way to say, "Fuck off."

But you exchanged numbers which indicates they want to maintain the relationship.

If the person was autistic, the statement would mean, "I'd like to call you sometime and if I have the energy I will do that. By saying this, I am indicating I want this relationship." So that occurs to me.

But that maybe suggests it could mean they won't. A lot of uncertainty.

But I know from experience people often get swamped and sometimes you just have to be the one to reach out.

So I'll assume you're not telling me to fuck off, and I'll reach out to you sometime.

This is me not getting the social cue, but you could have been more clear.

The frustrating thing is if I ask, they will say, "Of course I want to talk!" and I'll be the creep for assuming sincerity.

I know all this intellectually. The cue is registering. So is every interpretation of said cue and I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt you fuckhead.

So yes, autistic people can read social cues, but it is an intellectual process and autistic expectations are fundamentally different, so communication breaks down.

However, these are ALLISTIC social cues. Nobody adds that qualifier because they're assumed to be the default.

Allistics never make any effort to learn autistic social cues, which is frustrating because we put a lot of effort into understanding their nebulous rules, and autistic social cues are very easy to learn.

Autistic social cues: if they are sharing something and aren't actively name calling, it's a form of bonding.

Assume all statements are sincere and take them at face value.

If autistic people issue corrections, it is because we want clarification or value accuracy.

See? It took me one tweet to explain autistic social expectations, and more than twenty to complain about how baffling allistic expectations are without really laying them out.

So I could argue allistics fail to understand autistic social cues as a communication deficit.

By the way, autistic people absolutely can lie, but in daily communication where we actually like someone or are trying to bond, best to assume sincerity.

Okay, it took two tweets with a proviso.

Autistic people work hard to learn your social cues. Why can't you learn ours?

More on autistic social skills. https://twitter.com/autsciperson/status/1478250409957408773