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So, the surgery has been postponed.
I was told this by my furious daughter.
The reason given?
Because I 'threatened' to go to the GMC and HCPC if they didn't postpone.
Not because she needs time to address the other mental health conditions.
A spiteful psychiatrist? or...1/4
I was told this by my furious daughter.
The reason given?
Because I 'threatened' to go to the GMC and HCPC if they didn't postpone.
Not because she needs time to address the other mental health conditions.
A spiteful psychiatrist? or...1/4
Full disclosure?
Judging by the rest of the tirade....
"I have put the lives of 1000's of trans ppl at risk"
"I have no right to question his (psyc's) diagnosis"
"I will never trust you again"
A bit of both...
2/4
#mentalhealth
Judging by the rest of the tirade....
"I have put the lives of 1000's of trans ppl at risk"
"I have no right to question his (psyc's) diagnosis"
"I will never trust you again"
A bit of both...
2/4
#mentalhealth
When I said, if they were sure of the diagnosis, they wouldn't change their minds, there was no response.
When I asked if I had lied to the Dr's, there was no response. 3/4
#mentalhealth
When I asked if I had lied to the Dr's, there was no response. 3/4
#mentalhealth
When I said, but the surgery is only postponed, so you can get additional help, the door was slammed in my face
Bitter sweet victory, but I'll take it for now.
I love my child unconditionally and they will never be able to take that away from me or deny it.
It is truth. /4
Bitter sweet victory, but I'll take it for now.
I love my child unconditionally and they will never be able to take that away from me or deny it.
It is truth. /4
Today she is off to the boyfriends house for the weekend.
Ferret in tow (her Daemon as per His Dark Materials)
I asked when can we talk again, dull eyes, no fury in them, but saying angrily "Not for a long time".
I say "It's not healthy to not talk"
Headphones go back in.
Ferret in tow (her Daemon as per His Dark Materials)
I asked when can we talk again, dull eyes, no fury in them, but saying angrily "Not for a long time".
I say "It's not healthy to not talk"
Headphones go back in.
So daughter is still not speaking to me.
When I ask "When will we speak again?"
The answer "Not for a long time"...
...It hurts, and it's meant to, she is on T and so the adolescent phase is back with a vengeance, but this seems also to be an #ASD trait...
When I ask "When will we speak again?"
The answer "Not for a long time"...
...It hurts, and it's meant to, she is on T and so the adolescent phase is back with a vengeance, but this seems also to be an #ASD trait...
...Like my husband, when their picture, their plan for how things should be is changed, then they either have 'meltdown' or 'shutdown'...
...Previously I have been able to bring her back from the edge, gentle and quite moments, a hug, an everyday question "cup of tea?"...
...Previously I have been able to bring her back from the edge, gentle and quite moments, a hug, an everyday question "cup of tea?"...
...but this time another head has been reared, words come from her mouth that aren't hers, I can see in her eyes she doesn't own them, I say "We need to mend our relationship" and head spits out "Not if it's a toxic relationship!".
I back away...
I back away...
...So today I text, once, twice, 'Hope you're not working too hard xx', 'I miss you'........
Then a reply....'x' a simple letter of the alphabet makes my stomach flip, my mouth go dry and I have a bit of a cry.
Now the waiting game for her to come home, can we speak?...
Then a reply....'x' a simple letter of the alphabet makes my stomach flip, my mouth go dry and I have a bit of a cry.
Now the waiting game for her to come home, can we speak?...
...The door goes just as we're eating dinner.
Her's is in the oven, still warm, her place at the table still laid out.
She comes in and sits down, with us, at the table, no words, she's tired I can see it in her eyes, I can see the binder restricting her posture...
Her's is in the oven, still warm, her place at the table still laid out.
She comes in and sits down, with us, at the table, no words, she's tired I can see it in her eyes, I can see the binder restricting her posture...
...she wants to slump like she used to, with the plate inches from her face so she can get to the food in, but that corset, that piece of body armour is restrictive.
She finishes and gets up to leave, I reach out 'Hey, I've missed you'...' I just needed some time', we hug.
She finishes and gets up to leave, I reach out 'Hey, I've missed you'...' I just needed some time', we hug.
So full conversations again now, but they are not real, they are kept to the general stuff "Are you in for dinner?", "How was work?".
There is no interest about what's been going on in my life or anyone else's, no discourse, no disagreements...
There is no interest about what's been going on in my life or anyone else's, no discourse, no disagreements...
... her voice has changed now because of the testosterone, it doesn't sound like a mans voice, but that of a teenager, it cracks and she tried to make it sound deeper, but when she is tired it still sounds like her, same inflection, same cadence, same tone, but bit sadder...
...that's the main difference in the past year or so, she looks and sounds sadder, not empowered, not strong, not full of a vitality that one would expect from being drugged to help the belief that you are a man, it doesn't seem to be working, and that makes me sad for her too...
Why does it hurt so much when post comes for my daughter in her given name, rather than the name she has picked for herself?
Her current name doesn't bother me much now, but it the rejection of the name we chose, thought about long and hard...
Her current name doesn't bother me much now, but it the rejection of the name we chose, thought about long and hard...
...got to know her a little before deciding and then making the journey to register her.
Growing up she was proud that no one else had her name, she wasn't an Isobel or Grace, an Elenor or Beth, hers was unique among her cohort, everyone would comment on how lovely it was...
Growing up she was proud that no one else had her name, she wasn't an Isobel or Grace, an Elenor or Beth, hers was unique among her cohort, everyone would comment on how lovely it was...
...and how much it suited her.
So now letters arrive for Mr... or in the current name and I sigh as I post them between the bannisters for her to collect as she travels though the house, like a ghost of her former lively self. The light that her given name denoted, extingusted..
So now letters arrive for Mr... or in the current name and I sigh as I post them between the bannisters for her to collect as she travels though the house, like a ghost of her former lively self. The light that her given name denoted, extingusted..
...testosterone dampens the spirit and hardens the edges, particularly in regular, metronome doses. Hormones aren't naturally balanced at all times, so the shock to the system of mg every day can be seen in the dullness in her eyes.
Perhaps her current name is a good choice?...
Perhaps her current name is a good choice?...
...Saying "I believe you are dysphoric, but not that you are a man" to your child is crushing, but that's what I said, quite a few months ago.
The need to be vaildated by me seemed THE MOST important thing and I couldn't do it, because it's a lie...
The need to be vaildated by me seemed THE MOST important thing and I couldn't do it, because it's a lie...
...the conversation continued..
Her: What does that even mean?!
Me: I don't believe that you can change yourself in that way, but I completely believe you don't feel comfortable in your skin.
Her: Yes, because I'm a BOY!
Me: Don't you mean man?...
Her: What does that even mean?!
Me: I don't believe that you can change yourself in that way, but I completely believe you don't feel comfortable in your skin.
Her: Yes, because I'm a BOY!
Me: Don't you mean man?...
...Her: Please don't tell me you're a TERF! *eyeroll* *arms cross*
Me: Ok
Her: Transpeople are being assaulted and murdered because people don't see them as real people.
Me: Where? In the UK or in South America where gay men are safer being trans women?...
Me: Ok
Her: Transpeople are being assaulted and murdered because people don't see them as real people.
Me: Where? In the UK or in South America where gay men are safer being trans women?...
...Her: Oh god! You are one of them! Where do you get your information from? Alt right Christians?
Me: I'll find it and send it to you if you want, but it won't alter the fact that transwomen, like women are usually assaulted and murdered by men they know. You know that right?...
Me: I'll find it and send it to you if you want, but it won't alter the fact that transwomen, like women are usually assaulted and murdered by men they know. You know that right?...
...Her: I knew you'd say something like that.
Me: Do you use mens bathrooms and feel safe?
Her: *lips tighten* *eyes down* silence
Me: I love you, I just don't think you love yourself right now.
I've moved closer to her as I speak, reach out and hug her will all my might...
Me: Do you use mens bathrooms and feel safe?
Her: *lips tighten* *eyes down* silence
Me: I love you, I just don't think you love yourself right now.
I've moved closer to her as I speak, reach out and hug her will all my might...
...Feeling heartbroken today.
I love my daughter so deeply and don't want to see her in pain, but can't affirm her as a man, can't call her him/he.
She says that because of this it means I don't respect her and she will have to estrange herself if I don't...
I love my daughter so deeply and don't want to see her in pain, but can't affirm her as a man, can't call her him/he.
She says that because of this it means I don't respect her and she will have to estrange herself if I don't...
...I try to explain that having an open, honest and truthful relationship should be more important than the need for me to affirm her, she should feel strong enough in her belief that she is comfortable in her own skin, no matter what I say...
...she says that I should be willing and prepared to make small accommodations, but can't see that joining in, even in this 'small' way is debasing our relationship.
I know much of this is said to hurt me in the most adolescent way, and it works.
Feeling heartbroken today...
I know much of this is said to hurt me in the most adolescent way, and it works.
Feeling heartbroken today...
....A good day?? Why am I suspicious? Why when my daughter comes into the room and hugs me from behind am I suspicious?
Damn this idiology, damn you for taking away the unreserved trust we had, taking away the present and the truth...
Damn this idiology, damn you for taking away the unreserved trust we had, taking away the present and the truth...
...Damn you, I won't let you take this moment.
I hug her back, lean my neck so she can snuggle in, I breath in her smell, sleep lingers behind her ear, pull her arms across my chest, tighter.
She is still soft, no binder, breathing gently...
I hug her back, lean my neck so she can snuggle in, I breath in her smell, sleep lingers behind her ear, pull her arms across my chest, tighter.
She is still soft, no binder, breathing gently...
..."Tea?" she asks
"You know me" I reply
A parting kiss on my cheek and I nearly break, I kiss her hand and she is gone, off to make tea.
A good day, my day, I will hold that moment, like a secret precious thing, to remember there is hope on this long trans road.
A good day...
"You know me" I reply
A parting kiss on my cheek and I nearly break, I kiss her hand and she is gone, off to make tea.
A good day, my day, I will hold that moment, like a secret precious thing, to remember there is hope on this long trans road.
A good day...
December installment.
So almost a year since first medicalising.
Last Christmas was really tough, all the kids were home because of Covid, most of the country was still tentatively opening up, but the trans train kept ploughing on...
So almost a year since first medicalising.
Last Christmas was really tough, all the kids were home because of Covid, most of the country was still tentatively opening up, but the trans train kept ploughing on...
...Looking back I think we were all on edge and all vying for time with our daughter, sister, cousin before the testosterone took her away.
She was in a nether world of excitement and fear.
She couldn't wait to smear herself with male hormones, she was euphoric...
She was in a nether world of excitement and fear.
She couldn't wait to smear herself with male hormones, she was euphoric...
...a year on and her siblings miss her so much.
They used to be supportive, when it was just words and grandstanding to 'out of the loop' parents, but now they are angry too.
Angry that the 'trans thing' always comes first, that they can't joke about it and rib her like...
They used to be supportive, when it was just words and grandstanding to 'out of the loop' parents, but now they are angry too.
Angry that the 'trans thing' always comes first, that they can't joke about it and rib her like...
...families do, like life long friends do, now they are expected to drink at the alter of gender ideology.
That makes them angry and sad, angry and sad and sad and it hurts my heart to see.
Roll on Christmas, when they're all home again, lets see if the crackers make us smile..
That makes them angry and sad, angry and sad and sad and it hurts my heart to see.
Roll on Christmas, when they're all home again, lets see if the crackers make us smile..
January Installment-
So a male 'Dr' cut off my daughters breasts in exchange for ÂŁ6000.
She obvs didn't tell us, just came home with a compression bandage and drains.
The boyfriend is supposed to helping her to the bathroom and looking after her...
So a male 'Dr' cut off my daughters breasts in exchange for ÂŁ6000.
She obvs didn't tell us, just came home with a compression bandage and drains.
The boyfriend is supposed to helping her to the bathroom and looking after her...
...he can barely look after himself.
She looks so ill, grey and sunken eyes. Where is the joy of becoming her 'true self'?
Where are the therapists to support her while she goes through this traumatic surgery?
They are there, but only at ÂŁ150 an hr and what to they tell her?...
She looks so ill, grey and sunken eyes. Where is the joy of becoming her 'true self'?
Where are the therapists to support her while she goes through this traumatic surgery?
They are there, but only at ÂŁ150 an hr and what to they tell her?...
..."In order to fully heal from all the trauma in your life, you need to get rid of any toxic relationships that are pulling you down"
Not directly telling her to cut off her family, but playing into the ideology that full affirmation is worth more than love...
Not directly telling her to cut off her family, but playing into the ideology that full affirmation is worth more than love...
...I will not give up.
My love doesn't cost ÂŁ150 per hr, my love is always there.
The trauma came from girls bullying her at school, from men cat calling her aged 13 because of her breasts, having unsupported ASD, are the therapists helping with that?, clearly not...
My love doesn't cost ÂŁ150 per hr, my love is always there.
The trauma came from girls bullying her at school, from men cat calling her aged 13 because of her breasts, having unsupported ASD, are the therapists helping with that?, clearly not...
...So she has given her pound of flesh to the gender cult, she has paid the price to be finally accepted by society, is it going to make her happy?
Every day I hope so, everyday I wish that I would see the sparkle in her eyes again, but it is not there and my gut still churns...
Every day I hope so, everyday I wish that I would see the sparkle in her eyes again, but it is not there and my gut still churns...
