good afternoon everyone, would you like a Spicy Hot Take™

sex ed should be taught by BDSM/kink educators.

hear me out

i will start by saying obviously abstinence only sex ed is stupid and pointless and not even really sex ed. Let's take that as established. But even 'good' sex ed- and I went to school in new jersey, i should know- is not fit for purpose.

Even 'good' sex ed, most of the time, is a brief primer on very, very basic biology, followed by a description of how babies are conceived, with a focus on penile ejaculation. if you're lucky you get a condom demonstration. and... that's about it.

MEANWHILE, what's the first thing a person gets eighteen lectures on when they first create a Kinky Social Media account?

consent.

CONSENT CONSENT CONSENT

and this, like a lot of things in this thread, is a) something that can be taught to kids of literally any age, because consent is not just about sex! and b) useful for every part of life AND relationships, because it is NOT JUST ABOUT SEX

Your average kink educator has about a hundred lessons for discussing consent. Scenarios, situations, tools, ways to practice, communication methods, and, yes, ways to teach and explain the concepts to people with varying levels of interest and capacity.

Consent has levels! It is mutable and retractable and varies between people. Some things can be understood 'in the moment', some absolutely can not. I've never met a single kinky person who doesn't understand that stealthing is rape. Teach this in schools.

Moving on! Biological variation.
Intersex people exist, trans people exist, and beyond that- even cisgendered people have a huge range of variation in genitalia. Kink educators have a) probably seen them all and b) know that every single body is capable of having A Good Time.

So enough of this 'diagrams of a perfectly hairless barbie-style vulva and average girthed circumcised penis'. 95% of people's junk doesn't look like that. Let's get some realistic diagrams- a la that wallpaper by the Vag Museum- into schools. Teach kids their body is normal.

It's good for self-esteem and ALSO teaching kids that, just as every person looks different, every person feels different too. Just because their friend likes being kissed on the neck, or whatever, doesn't mean they will. They aren't broken. They just gotta find what they like.

We are agreeing that abstinence-only education is stupid, but we shouldn't let kids assume that they are broken or doing something wrong, especially at an age when they might be too insecure to ask questions so they just fake it. That's setting them up for a rough time.

Which brings us on to! DIFFERENT TYPES OF SEX.
penis in vagina is one type of sex.

one type. onneeeeeeeee tyyypeeeeeeee. and since we are no longer pretending that queers don't exist, let's discuss:
anal sex! oral sex! fingering! handjobs! titty sex! general fondling!

why? why should we teach kids that other types of sex exist?

SO THEY CAN DO IT SAFELY DAMMIT

they are gonna be doing all this stuff anyways! teens WILL BE TEENS. but if you're only teaching about PiV, you're also only teaching about condoms.
what about dental dams? lube? cleaning toys? internal condoms? getting tested, especially between partners?

I guarantee you- if a teen can think of it, with their horny puberty chemicals, a kink educator has not only thought of it, but has either done it, or knows someone who has, and knows how to do it safely. it's like rule 34 but actually useful.

speaking of! Porn! We all know that porn is not real life.

you know who REALLY knows that? kinky people. Because the difference between a scene/playtime/red room of pain, and 'who's doing the school run', needs to be firmly established. so like... they know how to discuss this.

Porn itself isn't inherently bad. The issue lies in being unable to differentiate between porn and real life. You want someone who can teach kids how to draw those lines, how to separate and enjoy both fantasy and reality, without blurring the lines? KINKSTERS. they KNOW.

It's all about communication. And this is, again, one of those things that's not just about sex. Sex Ed doesn't teach kids how to negotiate relationships, and it should.

I'm not saying you need a contract or some such for teen dating. You don't. But you know when people get hurt? It's when one person thinks they're dating exclusively, and the other doesn't. It's when one person thinks they're going to college together, and the other doesn't.

Teens- and arguably a whole lot of adults- need to learn how to discuss what they're looking for in a relationship, and how to find someone whose needs align with theirs.

Take two kinky people who are attracted to each other. They start talking, and then they figure out they're both toppy. Nobody gets mad, they just shake hands and go 'ah well didn't work out, hey new friend!' and move on.

Sometimes this happens in relationships.

It's okay. It's okay to break up. It's okay to realise you're incompatible. It's okay to like someone but maybe they want kids and you don't and therefore it's just not gonna work out. It's OKAY. But you gotta figure that out, and respect it, before you set up a relationship.

The problem lies when this stuff isn't figured out, and then people fall in love and start trying to change the other person so that they align, and that never works out and everyone gets hurt.

Sort it out first. PRE SCENE NEGOTITATION.

And finally? If you mess that up? And somebody gets hurt?

How to deal with it. How to offer support, how to find someone to help if you can't do it yourself, how to take responsibility for your mistakes, even if- especially if- they were unintentional.

We've all hurt someone by accident. Their pain (physical or emotional) is valid and real, and needs to be addressed. Even though it was an accident, we caused it.

Kinky people have PLANS for this. Aftercare, debriefs, mediators, whatever. There are ways to recognise and deal.

And if it's done well- maybe that relationship is unrecoverable, but both people are able to move forward, hopefully having learned something, and progress to another relationship.

This is something we don't teach kids right now, and we really bloody should.

We've all seen a teen go through five relationships where the same bad thing keeps happening, and then if they're lucky they spend ten years in therapy and maybe find a good relationship in their 30's.
they could be learning from the first time, making new mistakes,

probably still spending ten years in therapy but you get my point.

Sex Ed isn't just- or shouldn't just- be about sex. Sex isn't just about sex. It's about interaction with other people.

And THAT is what we should be teaching.

How to healthily, safely, consensually, enjoy interactions and relationships with other people. Possibly even interactions that involve getting naked and bumping crotches.

So. Get the experts in. Hire kinksters to teach. /fin

anyways h/t to my pal @FloraQ__Writes for launching this conversation in the group chat, thanks for letting me turn it into an essay bb