Good evening everyone. While the Treasurer makes his budget speech, I thought it would be useful to translate what he actually means. Join me below

“In the face of a once-in-a-century pandemic, the Australian spirit has shone through.... Team Australia at its best.”

Translation: Team Australia excludes Australian citizens and permanent residents who we have abandoned in India. We’ll send them to jail if they come home.

“Australia’s fate could have been so much worse.”

Translation: Things are better in spite of us, not because of us.

“Early and decisive actions saved lives and livelihoods.”

Translation: Early and decisive actions by state governments saved lives and livelihoods. Our ministers wanted to pursue the Swedish approach and let the virus rip.

“More Australians are in work than ever before.”

Translation: Wages are going backwards, insecure work is through the roof and there are far more job applicants than there are jobs available.

“Australia’s economic engine is roaring back to life.”

Translation: We’re letting rip with fossil fuels. Enjoy the planet while it lasts, kids.

“And always providing a helping hand to those who need it. This is what the Coalition stands for.”

Translation:

“In this Budget, a further $1.9 billion is allocated for the roll out of vaccines. Australians have already received over 2.5 million doses.”

Translation: Please, please don’t read what the Prime Minister said about when everyone would be vaccinated.

“Australia’s economic recovery is now well underway and we must keep the momentum going.”

Translation: There are no brakes on the neoliberal train.

“10 million low- and middle-income earners will benefit from a new and additional tax cut.”

Translation: But it’ll be gone next year, unlike the permanent tax cuts we’re handing to billionaires.

“Mr. Speaker, in this Budget, our housing measures go even further.”

Translation: We are going to keep inflating the housing bubble forever. Line go up!

“Supporting 10,000 single parents to purchase a home with a 2 per cent deposit.”

Translation: Remember the subprime mortgage crisis? Neither do we.

“The Government has strengthened the safety net, increasing the JobSeeker payment while enhancing mutual obligations.”

Translation: we’re expecting people to subsist in poverty and will punish them for not getting jobs that don’t exist.

“It goes to the heart of who we are as Australians, helping those who need it most.”

Translation: *Offer excludes young people, women, First Nations people, renters, migrants, refugees, unemployed people and Australians stranded overseas.

“Mr. Speaker, the Government is investing record funding in education.”

Translation: we used the pandemic to punish universities for culture war reasons, leading to the loss of thousands of jobs.

“Mr. Speaker, sexual harassment is unacceptable in any context.”

Translation: Except Parliament House, apparently.

“Mr. Speaker, COVID has not been the only challenge Australia has faced. Drought, bushfires, cyclones and floods.”

Translation: It is government policy to make these disasters more frequent and more intense.

“This Budget provides more resources to help Australians prepare, respond and recover from these natural disasters.”

Translation: And we’ve got billions more to fossil fuel companies to cook our planet and make these disasters worse.

“Mr Speaker, our industries and regions depend on affordable and reliable energy.”

Translation: We specifically refused to fund a wind and battery project in Queensland for ideological reasons.

“That’s why the Government is unlocking Australia’s vast gas reserves in the North Bowen and Galilee Basins, and investing in hydrogen-ready gas plants.”

Translation: Global heating is good, actually

“Mr. Speaker, we are the custodians of this great continent for future generations.”

Translation: Look on our works, ye mighty, and despair.

“Australia is playing its part on climate change, having met our 2020 commitments and on track to meet and beat our 2030 target.”

Translation: I hope you forgot what I just said about giving more public money to big polluters.

“The Government is providing an additional $1.9 billion… to strengthen our national security, law enforcement and security agencies.”

Translation: Our frogmarch to a surveillance state continues unabated.

“We also need to be prepared for a world that is less stable and more contested.”

Translation: We’re going to send your kids to war, not our own.

“Australia is coming back.”

Translation: Just don’t try to come back to Australia from India or we will literally jail you.

“And this Budget will ensure we come back even stronger, securing Australia’s recovery.”

Translation: We are pretty sure our donors will love it!