Thread by @SanditonFelicia, Sharing some stuff I know about emotions and groups in hopes the [...]

Sharing some stuff I know about emotions and groups in hopes the knowledge promotes mutual respect and empathy in the #SanditonSquad and a safe emotional space despite our very different reactions to the #Sanditon renewal news. A long-ish

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Grief is a PERSONAL, internal reaction to “loss,” i.e., breaking of an emotional bond. Loss can apply to anyTHING you desire or value. Notice all the subjective concepts. Strength of emotional bonds to #Sanditon, level of desire for HEA outcome & value placed on it vary. /2

Ppl feel the force of grief differently (or not all) based partly on how weighty the #Sanditon loss feels. Pls accept it’s different for everyone & reactions can be feeling fine, devastated or anywhere in btwn. Acceptance frees YOU to feel what you feel w/o comparing to others./3

Accepting that we’re all different in the face of loss & grief also creates space in #Sanditon fandom for the range of individual reactions as ppl feel less need to justify or apologize for their own reactions or to question or criticize the reactions of others (w/in limits*). /4

*Grief does not justify hate speech or blatant, unsubstantiated personal attacks!

As to the experience of grief – effect on emotions, thoughts, body, behavior, cognitive ability (e.g., brain fog), it’s also personal & varied! Stages models (e.g., denial, anger...) make it sound like there’s a std progression, but they're increasingly criticized. /5
#Sanditon

So, 2 ppl who felt the same initial wallop may feel diff. emotions (anger, sadness..), have diff. thoughts (confusion, reminiscence..), etc. at any point.
Also, one person can bounce btwn diff. states.
Don’t compare progress w/others or expect internal coherence. /6
#Sanditon

Sadly, social norms also reinforce the myth of ONE standard (normal!) experience. The word SHOULD is a powerful indicator of norms & we feel abnormal if our experience differs from the story of what it should be. Again, recognizing indiv. variability frees us all. /7
#Sanditon

(Side note: Western cultures, esp. US, have unrealistic expectations for feeling good).
Bottom line: Internal emotional responses are personal & varied. Comparison robs us & everyone else of the ability to process our emotions without wishing they were different. /8
#Sanditon

If you’re still here, let’s look at expression, in other words how we talk about our grief or emotions – how we externalize the personal, internal experience.
The display rules for emotion and grief are very culturally-driven. /9
#Sanditon

Display rules tell us how & when to express our emotions. In some cultures, ppl are very buttoned up, in others very expressive. Strong displays can make ppl not used to them uncomfortable. Subdued displays can make ppl who expect more view the person as unfeeling. /10
#Sanditon

Imposing our own cultural expectations on others stifles expression. If someone’s raw anger or sadness makes you uncomfortable, instead of trying to shift their feelings (“cheer up,” “calm down”) empathize or scroll on. /11
#Sanditon

If you don’t understand how someone can appear so calm, instead of trying to rile them up, wish them internal peace that matches the external display or scroll on. Sometimes silence is more respectful than engaging. /12
#Sanditon

Life in this amazing community of #Sanditon fans from so many different backgrounds works best when we acknowledge and respect the individuality of our emotional lives. We cannot provide perfect support for each other but we can at least endeavor to do no harm. /13
#Sanditon

Keep listening, learning & loving and people of goodwill will pull each other through this together. /fin #Sanditon #WeSavedSanditon

Addendum: If you are really struggling, please consider seeking professional help. A mental health professional will not dismiss your distress as "just a TV show." Take care of yourselves.

#Sanditon

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