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No One Asked You to be a Martyr
A thread
http://bewelllovely.home.blog/2021/05/10/no-one-asked-you-to-be-a-martyr/
A thread
http://bewelllovely.home.blog/2021/05/10/no-one-asked-you-to-be-a-martyr/
Having just celebrated my first Mother’s Day, I am sitting with a lot of thoughts, not just about motherhood but life in general. As I scrolled through social media many Mother’s Day posts shared a common thread: sacrifice.
Mother’s talking about how their children have been worth the sacrifice. Children thanking their mothers for the sacrifice. Husbands acknowledging the sacrifices made by their wives. I do not write this piece in response to those posts, or to argue that they are bad or wrong.
Not at all! I just write in response to the feeling and thoughts those posts brought up for me personally.
Early in our marriage an occasional point of contention between Tyler and I was this feeling that I was always giving. Giving up my time to cook and clean. Giving up my identity to be a wife. Giving up my hobbies for date night.
I really felt like marriage had come with a lot of sacrifice. I struggled to appropriately express these feelings to Tyler until later in our marriage at which point Tyler said to me, in his own words, that no one had asked me to be a martyr.
He had not asked for those sacrifices. He did not need them. He was perfectly capable of cooking and cleaning with or without me. He had fallen in love with who I was and did not want to lose that to my new label.
He wanted me to maintain hobbies as it allowed for him to do the same.
The new human in our lives is quite a bit more needy than Tyler. There are certain things she does need and some of them can feel like a sacrifice.
In her creation I feel like I definitely sacrificed my body and if you are considering having a family, there is a very good chance you will be sacrificing your sleep as I have; however, even as I fulfill baby’s needs, I am reminded that just as Tyler never needed a martyr,…
…neither does she. For me motherhood has included a bit of sacrifice, but more commonly than sacrifice it has required flexibility and change.
My needs and desires have changed, and I have had to change the ways in which I meet them, but I still have needs and desires that must be met. I feel that it benefits my child in no way to sacrifice those needs and desires.
To that end, I have a list of nonnegotiables. Things I must do for myself in order to be as well as I can be and to consequentially be able to be the best mom I can be:
- Maintain my skincare routine
- Take a weekly bath
- Eat well (overall healthy with room for fun)
- Exercise a minimum of three times per week
- Go to bed by 9PM
- Take a weekly bath
- Eat well (overall healthy with room for fun)
- Exercise a minimum of three times per week
- Go to bed by 9PM
This is not at all to say that I am a super mom who meets all of baby’s needs and is also able to meet my own all the time. HA! You would all know that is a lie. I have many needs that are not on my nonegotiables list. Sometimes I am able to meet them, sometimes I am not.
This is just to say that I consciously choose to put some of my needs first, yes, even before my child. I have deliberately chosen not to sacrifice some things. Sometimes that means Tyler is carrying more of the load in the evening while I complete my nighttime face care.
Sometimes it means Rhiannon is fussing in her crib for an extra ten minutes while I finish up some squats.
As I type that I realize it may sound cold to some, and I respect that they are entitled to that opinion, but I will also be honest that their opinion is not going to change the way I do things. For my personal wellbeing I need to do those things.
My feeling is that my overall mental health and wellness will impact baby far more in the long term, than a couple extra minutes of crying in her crib.
I want to take the time to add that this is absolutely not a judgement of other mother’s who do things differently than me.
I was warned when I got pregnant about “mommy wars” and “mom guilt.” Our society has sadly created a very toxic culture for women raising children in which they are left feeling like they cannot do anything right. I do not want this piece of writing to add to all that noise.
This is about me. It is not about anyone else. It is not advice and I absolutely feel that other moms must do things differently than me for a variety of reasons. And I completely support them in that!
I know amazing moms who want to work out but do not because they cannot find the time. I know strong women who sleep in their makeup because they feel extra snuggles with their baby is more important than face wash.
I know women who do measure their abilities to be a mom by their sacrifices. The fact that I see and do things differently does not make me feel superior to them for even a moment, and it also does not make me feel inferior as a mother.
This thread can be read here: http://bewelllovely.home.blog/2021/05/10/no-one-asked-you-to-be-a-martyr/
