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As it& #39;s Mental Health Awareness Week, I& #39;ve decided to share what happened to me, and the mental health issues it led to. (CW: violence, captivity, mental illness) (1/25)
Just over 10 years ago, I was the victim of a violent crime. Thankfully I was not harmed, but I was restrained and held captive for a short amount of time, and threatened with violence involving powertools. (2/25)
(For clarity, I& #39;m happy to discuss the nature of this crime in person, but for reasons that are hopefully obvious, I& #39;d prefer to keep it vague online. Nevertheless, real-life Twitter friends can verify that this, as nasty and unreal as it sounds, did indeed take place). (3/25)
In the aftermath, I experienced my first real struggle with mental health. During the next few days, I coped as best I could; I cried, I ranted, and one night, filled with rage, I even drove out into the countryside and screamed at the fields. (4/25)
Despite all these feelings, what scared me the most was that I no longer felt joy. I felt absolutely no excitement or interest in anything, and had no idea how to do so again. (5/25)
I soon realised that, in order to cope with what was happening to me when the crime was taking place, my brain had shut off any and all emotions. And now I had no idea how to get the good ones back. (6/25)
I clearly remember it hit me when I was eating this burger, and deriving absolutely no pleasure from it whatsoever. I love my food, especially meat - but this? Nothing. Nor with anything else I normally enjoyed, got excited about, or looked forward to. (7/25)
I had no clue why, or how, or where to start to get those feelings back. Would I ever feel them again? That was scary. I contemplated a life without joy, and pretty soon found myself wondering what the point would be. (8/25)
With this realisation that things weren& #39;t right came another fear. Friends, family, people I loved - what if they didn& #39;t know how to talk to someone with a mental health problem? If I was nuts, what if nobody wanted to know me? (9/25)
What if, as a result, they just drifted away, to be with people that didn& #39;t make them feel awkward or nervous? This sounds a ridiculous notion to me now, but at the time, in my twisted haze of post-traumatic stress and fear, it was very real. (10/25)
So I very quickly decided to act as though nothing was wrong; to try to pretend everything was fine, and that I was back to normal. Only, what I was doing was trying to do an impression of me as I had been before. (11/25)
Of course, this didn& #39;t work. I still wasn& #39;t deriving any enjoyment from the things that should have made me happy. It was, to quote Rik Mayall, one long collage of grey interspersed with visits to the lav. (12/25)
I can actually remember very little about that time. I was clearly going through the motions. And no matter how hard I tried, I could never escape a darkness, just on the edge of vision; a sense that something wasn& #39;t right, and that I didn& #39;t know how to fix it. (13/25)
It& #39;ll come as no surprise to you, reader, that, while I thought I was doing a very good impression of myself, in fact I wasn& #39;t. Thankfully, after about six months, my then-girlfriend (now wife) gently persuaded me to speak to a professional. (14/25)
If she hadn& #39;t, I have no idea how long this would have gone on for, but I suspect it wouldn& #39;t have ended well. I was trying to put a lid on a boiling pot and forget about it; one day, I suspect it would have boiled over. (15/25)
I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with depression. I also believe I was suffering from mild PTSD, as I experienced minor panic attacks triggered by scenes of captivity on TV, though this was never professionally validated. (16/25)
I visited a counsellor every week for six months, and learned a lot about myself. It was very hard work, but it helped me to understand not only the immediate effects of the crime itself, but the neuroses the after-effects had tapped into. (17/25)
I also gained enough of a toolkit to help me understand what was going on in my brain and sort things out whenever I might need to. I think, in fact, I actually ended up mentally healthier, and more in touch with myself, than before. (18/25)
I& #39;m lucky that I had a fantastic partner by my side who helped me through. And in the end, of course, when I did tell people close to me that I wasn& #39;t right, and I was going to counselling, they didn& #39;t push me away. They wanted to help. (19/25)
And that, really, is why I wanted to tell this story; to let you know that if you& #39;re battling with your mental health and worried people won& #39;t accept you for it, that may not be the case. It certainly wasn& #39;t for me. (20/25)
I& #39;m also lucky that I had a positive outcome. But having felt that darkness within arm& #39;s reach, I realise how easy it& #39;d be for it to envelope you. For so many people, that& #39;s what happens. (21/25)
My experience was & #39;acute& #39;, and brought on by a traumatic event. For many people, mental illness is more chronic, and may have no discernible source. Either way, it& #39;s an awful thing, and I& #39;m so glad we& #39;re talking about it more, and removing that stigma. (22/25)
If my experience sounds familiar, please, seek help. You don& #39;t need to go on pretending, in the hope people won& #39;t notice. You don& #39;t need to worry that people won& #39;t want to know, or help. (23/25)
Most of the time, they do. And by seeking help, you can find your way back to you. Real, actual you - not a version you& #39;re pretending to be.(24/25)
You can find help and support at https://www.thecalmzone.net"> https://www.thecalmzone.net , speak to someone at https://www.qwell.io/ ,">https://www.qwell.io/">... or call Samaritans on 116 123. Please don& #39;t hesitate a moment more. (25/25)
