I've always been hyperfocussed on fairness--eg, I rejected all the things girls were meant to not/do for as long as I can remember. (Though my definitions of what is ‘fair’ change often, sometimes drastically, the urge to understand and know is always there)

A thing I then learned as a woman working in 'D&I' was that people who are super invested into things as part of their identity are the most dangerous to work with. The easiest example to reach for in my own experience is the cis white feminist guy who believes they are true

advocates for 'gender diversity' and would *never* discriminate against women. Cos *when* they do, and they almost all do (sometimes inadvertently; sometimes by going with the flow), and you call them on it (no matter how gently, well-timed, calmly, with data, etc etc), they

will usually react badly. You are threatening their identity as a woman-supporter by identifying them as doing just the opposite. They react much more poorly to this than someone not invested in a gender-inclusive identity, who will just think you're full of shit and say

what they think you want to hear...on their way to doing whatever they wanted to anyhow. The inclusive-identity guy will be angry with you at best, & will want to actively retaliate and discredit you--a woman, ie from the group they care about--for speaking up about something

they Would! Never! Do! So don't ask Black people why they are pretty fucking wary about self-identified white allies. Cos when you say you're anti-racist and then argue & disrespect anyone--but especially Black people ffs--who calls you on

doing racist stuff, you're living a dangerous lie. And you're causing more harm to the people you claim to support than most of the people who just don't gaf. And NO ONE cares about what your Good Intentions were, only the impact you had. Like, if you bump into me

on my way to the printer, you'll probably apologise cos you didn't mean to do that. (If you DID mean to hurt me, presumably you could take a pipe to my knee or something...in which case, you're probably not going to apologise cos you wanted to hurt me--result!)

Even if you think it wasn't a bruising bump I got in our printer-related incident, you'll likely still apologise cos it hurt and you're sorry to have caused that. So why don't you believe people when they say they are hurt? Why do you say you didn't hurt them cos you

couldn't feel the bump yourself? Cos you *didn't mean* to bump them? Who knows, maybe you were doing me a favour, picking up my prints & you tread on my foot without noticing. Your intention on doing me a favour was lovely, but you'd likely still apologise when I said ouch!

cos hurting me on your way to do something nice for me doesn't make it hurt less. I am overworking this metaphor perhaps, but really: When someone tells you that you tread on them, hurt them, you can't just say you didn't and have that be true. If you can't be open about what

you don't know, at least be willing to listen & apologise even though *you* didn't notice. ESPECIALLY cos you didn't notice, but swore you always would. It's literally the least you can do. This is why the proverbial 'road to hell' is paved with good intent…

...because of all the people you didn't mean to hurt, who you would NEVER! hurt!, so you couldn't acknowledge that you did so without fundamentally re-seeing yourself, w/out then remembering all the times you hurt others.

You'd rather continue hurting other people than feel that painful shift yourself.

Because: When someone says you hurt them, you don't get to tell them you didn't.

And not exempting myself here. I've said/done bad shit & didn't Mean It Like That /full whiny victim voice

It has sometimes taken me years before I could recognise & apologise. My ‘identity’ as a D&I person tripped me up, as did my 'victim' as a woman of a misogynistic world

So I'm not saying it's always easy, just that you must always do it, repeatedly & in perpetuity. Unless you want to carry on hurting people and pretending you don't--living an actual harmful lie.

Listen, apologise, do better. It's literally the least we can do.

And for my white NDs especially: ffs stop! investing so deeply into your marginalised identity that you believe it makes it 'impossible' for you to talk over or oppress others, cos you're always 'the real victims' & your experience is ND-universal. No. Stop it.

Important note: This thread has been in my drafts for almost a month. If it is/was a subtweet, I don't remember who/what I was talking about. It's definitely a general thing I feel. It is unrelated to elongated tusk stuff tho.