Read on Twitter
hoo boy apparently tonight we are making the double mistake of daydreaming about post-pandemic travel & then going "it's been almost two years it's probably safe to remember the last time I road-tripped in more detail than 'Reasonable But Highly Unfortunate Series Of Decisions'"
so I went to see the penumbra live show in 2019, and had such a disaster nightmare I went "well I should never go anywhere ever again", yeeted the podcast in the hopes of not inextricably associating it w/a traumatic thing, and tried to just erase the entire event from my brain
The short version is, after having a great time at the 2018 show, my car broke down in spring 2019, I put a lot of time into figuring out travel logistics and itinerary for the 2019 trip anyway... and then I missed most of the show after accidentally triggering a physical illness
The longer version involves how strictly I was trying to budget to convince myself it wasn't fiscally irresponsible to go, but then I fucked up so bad that not only did I waste all the travel/food/show $$, it was an actively WORSE outcome than just staying home & buying the video
and also involves a lot about how I find it stressful & draining to spend extended time away from a private space I feel like I have control over, where I can turn off or at least turn down my... awareness of objects and people in space? for a few hours
...and then got trapped 500 miles and 14 hours of waiting & bus rides from privacy
while exhausted, sick, and desperately trying not to freak out about how my symptoms mirrored an episodic chronic illness that I haven't had in 20 years but used to reliably put me in the hospital
while exhausted, sick, and desperately trying not to freak out about how my symptoms mirrored an episodic chronic illness that I haven't had in 20 years but used to reliably put me in the hospital
I was traveling alone, I told as few people as few of the details as possible during, and none after. On purpose. There is no point in telling anyone now and idk why the fuck I'm contemplating getting into it on twitter, where people who were at the show might see & REMEMBER it
I think maybe I just intrinsically panic a bit at the idea that nobody knows a thing but me and I never wrote it down and then it will disappear, even if that was the entire point of not creating records? Because existing is constant data loss and I've already lost so many things
...ughh it is probably also how horrified I was to remember how many people who work on the podcast were probably like "...the fuck is up with this person" and twitter is the Screm Into Void Place, so
here I am, screm at void
hoping the void doesn't remind those people I exist
here I am, screm at void
hoping the void doesn't remind those people I exist
[emeto]
small venues with one way in and no backstage are all well & good until you find yourself sitting outside the door trying to guess whether the next time you leave to throw up will be *before* the show lets out or *after* and avoiding eye contact with working cast & crew
small venues with one way in and no backstage are all well & good until you find yourself sitting outside the door trying to guess whether the next time you leave to throw up will be *before* the show lets out or *after* and avoiding eye contact with working cast & crew
...ok yeah deleting most or all of this thread when I’m back at my comp tomorrow, that is happening
