I need to talk about Cafe 63.

In Brisbane there is a chain of like, 40 cafes called Cafe 63, named because their first location was at 63 Racecourse Road in Hamilton. They all have this snazzy black and white stripe decor.

They are also becoming ubiquitous throughout Brisbane, and I have no doubt they will soon spread to other cities.

They sort of fill a similar niche to the coffee club - I don't think anyone expects them to be good, but they are everywhere, and people frequent them.

Their thing appears to be that you can also buy flowers at them? They have like a little cart of daffodils or whatever at the front and you can buy them after you get your coffee. All kind of normal, a little gimmick to get people in the door.

They also seem to have exclusively Asian staff at all their locations. They've been investigated by the Fair Work Ombudsman for short paying staff, and most of those underpaid were visa holders. https://www.hospitalitymagazine.com.au/brisbane-cafe-faces-court-over-underpayments/

I would be completely unsurprised to learn that they are really just a cover for a migration scam, but at the same time they are inexplicably busy all the time, to the extent that other actually good cafes near them will have less customers. So I don't know, people have bad taste

they also have, bar none, the MOST INSANE MENU I HAVE EVER SEEN IN ANY RESTAURANT EVER.

It is 15 pages long, has no rhyme or reason, and does immeasurable psychic damage to me every time I gaze upon it.

https://cafe63.com.au/core_portal/assets/63_Daffodil_Menu.pdf

The menu starts with a full two column page that lets you know all the extras you can get. I don't know why I would need to add 200g of lamb's fry to my meal. I also don't know why they felt the need to tell me that I can get 20g of chili or 3 lemon slices for free

seems like that's the sort of thing that could have gone unsaid? Also dangles in front of you the possibility that you could come in and order 100 serves of the free 3 lemon slices and make out like a bandit. If you like bottomless Worcestershire sauce do I have the place for you

but this is just a prelude to the madness that follows.

the thing you need to understand about Cafe 63 is *every* dish has its own name for some reason.

I'm not averse to naming things, but normally you would expect that things named similarly would share characteristics.

The names at Cafe 63 bear no relationship to one another, or to the ingredients that comprise them.

at Ikea all the shelves are boys names, all the tables are islands, whatever. At Cafe 63 trying to divine meaning in the menu is a fools errand.

what do two dishes named after Cricketers have in common? What about the handful of dishes named after disney characters, or tv shows from the 50s, or daffodils, or government policies have in common? At Cafe 63 the answer to all these questions is "Fuck you".

We start with the kids menu. On reading the first three items, you might think "oh, the kids things are named after disney characters".

Item 4 is the largest gold nugget ever found, so you think, oh maybe because they're chicken nuggets for breakfast?

#5 is a type of daffodil.

Your mind races to try to find meaning in this menu, you look to the Omelettes - oh, Australian athletes? Stephanie Rice gets a gong because she's from the same area as the first Cafe 63? Oh and Hannah.

Everywhere you look, the menu takes on less and less meaning.

Minced beef on toast? Police.

Eggs with sausages? Carbon Tax.

Scrambled eggs with Bacon and hashbrowns? Elle MacPherson.

your eyes start to dart around the menu, you find the Kids lunch/dinner menu - you spot more disney characters! Finally, you hope, some coherence!

Your hopes are dashed when you see dishes named after sitcoms that no child born in the last 30 years has seen, let alone heard of.

then, like a lighthouse bursting through the fog, leading our cursed vessel to shore, we find the only consistently named dishes on the entire menu.

For some unknown, and perhaps, unknowable reason, the three sizes of fries are named after legendary all blacks.

leaving aside the fact that no one on earth is going to say "I will have one Sid Going please" rather than just ordering a large fries, they got the sizes all fucked up, and they made a large fries a halfback and the medium fries a famously tall player nicknamed Pinetrees

Oh, and in case you though they were limiting 1960s sitcoms to the kids menu, I dream of Jeannie makes an inexplicable cameo on the sandwich menu.

The final full page of dishes features the inexplicable "Ice Wings" - presumably named after an all white daffodil, famous for its similarity to a pulled lamb shank with mashed potatoes, gravy and seasonal vegetables.

And, finally, what I consider the pièce de résistance of the entire menu.

If I told you there was a dish called the "Liz Hurley", what would you think was on it? Something sweet? Who fucking knows. Anyway, it absolutely *wouldn't* be steak, topped with bacon and hollandaise

I am defeated by this menu.

Anyway the cafe sucks and you should avoid it. Go somewhere independent that hasn't been credibly accused of stealing from their employees.

Here's the weird sort of one man play that is printed on the final page of their menu.