Thread: You might think the autistic person in your life isn't thoughtful. You might think they don't show affection.

But it is just hard for us to be inauthentic, and the way most people show affection is not authentic to many of us. (1/ )

These are perspectives that are influenced by our neurology. Some autistic people may love showing affection the way you do, but many of us would see being performative as an extreme insult to you. (2/ )

So if you're not hearing, "happy mother's day" or getting a card, that's not a lack of care. It's that they aren't willing to be insulting to you by doing things that seem "fake." ( 3/ )

They may also be VERY uncomfortable hearing things like birthday wishes, compliments, or other social rituals that are not organic conversation. (4/ )

For me, it feels like someone has asked me to dance while I'm in the middle of something. I may like that person very much, but I will feel like a hostage rather than a willing partner. (5/ )

On the other side, most of the ways I would like to interact have the affection implied as opposed to directly stated. If I'm just talking to you or existing with you, that's most loving gesture. I am not inviting you to need to respond in any socially appropriate ways. (6/ )

This feels even more important when it's a special occasion. My instinct is to leave you alone on those days so that you don't have another person to perform obligatory rituals with. (7/ )

It's hard for anyone to override their instincts, but autistic people have to do that all the time because they are the minority-- like our non-autistic loved ones thinking that when we say we don't want to celebrate birthdays and hate surprises, we don't *really* mean it. (8/ )

I made this graphic this morning because I was feeling tremendous anxiety about having to mask today and know what to say when people pay attention to me and say things I'm supposed to respond to. I didn't want to spend my day dancing. (9/ )

It was a (hopefully) funny way to help bridge the communication gap with humor.

I actually spent a long time finding the pictures that felt least like me and most like me.

I really don't feel so much like a "mother," either. Parent is a better fit. I don't feel gender. (10/ )

We have to build our own accommodations all the time. I have no idea if people will think this is hilarious or if they'll think I'm being a jerk. Maybe it depends on the person? Should I use an emoji?

I never know. (11/ )

I know I'm only one autistic person. I have autistic friends who love special occasions, gifts, cards, compliments, and birthdays.

#AskingAutistics and #Neurolurkers: what do you feel when people tell you happy birthday, happy mother's day, etc.?

-TV
(12/12)