Am I allowed to remove the mask for 5 minutes?

I hated her.

The real her? The every day her? I couldn't stand her.

And I wasn't allowed to say that...or feel that.

You know...you're not supposed to feel like that about mama.

I found myself forced to find things to love.

And oddly, I'm grateful for that...because I realized there were things TO love about her.

But it was like picking through the trash.

"Imani.....*gasp"

What? It's fucking true.

She had good points. She had parts to love.

But when it came to me? She treated me like shit.

It felt like she couldn't figure out if I was a burden, a check, or competition.

She beat the shit out of me. She broke me. And she blamed me.

And I hated her for it...every fucking moment.

The day she died, I cried.

And then I said "It's finally over".

Volumes, loves.

But yet...there's parts of me that mourns losing her. Mourns her absence. Mourns those random moments.

Would I trade it though? Change it? Do I want her here?

No.

Loving her memory is so much easier than loving her being.

But you're not supposed to say that.

Good ppl don't.

And in my life long desire to be anything but her, I make myself put on the mask of loving.

I don't want to be seen as evil...cold...unforgiving...bad.

But sometimes all it is a mask.

And I get left with these moments of wondering how is it that I even really feel.

Bad.

It makes me wonder if you ever stop being that abused child.

That's all this is-a continuation of the cycle.

Can't let the world know how bad Mama really was. Smile & act normal. Yea, we had good times. Yea, I'm fine. And I miss her.

But her absence gives me room to breathe.

I couldn't have survived this long if she had.

My attachment to her was bc she was all I had...all I was allowed to have.

She literally kidnapped me TWICE from my dad.

Mother's Day isn't easy at all for me.

What do I honor?

Me? The mother I had to be to myself.

Mother's Day is...mine.

I was mine & hers.

Even after all these years, it's hard not to envy people who have a mother as a source of peace.

No hate. I love it for you. I smile seeing it.

I just wish I knew how it felt.

Vent over.

Mask back on.

Happy Mother's Day.

And please forgive me for forgetting to add a trigger warning to this thread beforehand.

I know I'm not the only one hurting, and I apologize if this set any memory off for you.

I wish I could keep it in...but just once...I had to release it.

Forgive me for that.