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I like to be jovial, even when I& #39;m anxious I try hard to make a joke or be relatable. I& #39;ve gone through periods where I& #39;ve needed to lean on friends before and it& #39;s taxing for them so I don& #39;t want to be there again.
But I am, so consider this a mute-able thread about me & C-PTSD
But I am, so consider this a mute-able thread about me & C-PTSD
C-PTSD is "complex post traumatic stress disorder". It& #39;s when trauma was repetitive and inescapable. In my case it& #39;s from early childhood with domestic violence, insecure attachment and not getting emotional needs met.
My official diagnosis is bipolar. I meet the criteria for that ("mild", said the doc), and hell, if I told my story in a different way you could tease out borderline personality disorder. But the therapist is framing things in a trauma way, so there we go.
I was known as an anxious kid, and I tried hard at school and did well, so it went mostly ignored.
In truth this was a survival mechanism. I tried hard at school to make the teacher like me, /to be safe/, so if I messed up I& #39;d have a "panic attack" and melt down.
In truth this was a survival mechanism. I tried hard at school to make the teacher like me, /to be safe/, so if I messed up I& #39;d have a "panic attack" and melt down.
I use quotes because I had my first actual panic attack when I was 18. I& #39;ve only ever had three, they lasted 1/2 an hour and felt very different, very physical. What these were could last days, were all-consuming. I had no idea what was going on.
They& #39;ve escalated over time.
They& #39;ve escalated over time.
Turns out, they& #39;re not panic attacks. They& #39;re flashbacks, "emotional flashbacks" in some cases, where the initial fear was created before memories formed so there& #39;s nothing to flash back to, just the emotional state.
These attack your very core, and I& #39;ve had them my entire life.
These attack your very core, and I& #39;ve had them my entire life.
When I& #39;m in a fb I feel younger and will act younger, and everything is beyond life-or-death - death feels preferable (although really it& #39;s a need to escape however is possible). I fear disappointing the adults around me and attracting their disgust/scorn.
This all leads to a lack of understanding.
I am a highly capable person. I have a PhD. I am creative. I can drill down and problem solve.
But when I& #39;m triggered, by a look, by a deadline, by making a mistake, by not having a clear path, a terrified 7 year old is at the wheel.
I am a highly capable person. I have a PhD. I am creative. I can drill down and problem solve.
But when I& #39;m triggered, by a look, by a deadline, by making a mistake, by not having a clear path, a terrified 7 year old is at the wheel.
This mismatch between potential and needed safe, cautious reality really confuses people. And, as C-PTSD leads to a distorted sense of self (and in my case, lack of sense-of-self) it confuses me, too, so I people-please and take too much on. ALL THE TIME.
In reality I know I& #39;m human, I& #39;ll make mistakes that I can survive and I& #39;ll "suffer the slings and arrows", learning a lesson in resilience I never learnt as a kid.
But fuck me guys, all the rationality, all the /reality/ in the world does not help me weather.
But fuck me guys, all the rationality, all the /reality/ in the world does not help me weather.
I do not believe a word of reassurance out of people& #39;s mouths. I can spend hours in a dissociated state having out loud imagined arguments, offering excuses, convinced people hate me. /Hours/. On repeat. For days. Needless to say I don& #39;t sleep well and have constant nightmares.
Last week I hurt myself in a deliberately visible way, hoping someone would take me seriously and let me escape. And whilst I have support, the best support(!) I can& #39;t /escape/. I have to weather.
And I will weather because I must. But I am so very, very tired. It& #39;s relentless.
And I will weather because I must. But I am so very, very tired. It& #39;s relentless.
I know A/D/H/D is all the rage these days, and I fear C-PTSD will be soon, especially if the DSM takes it up.
And I want people to know that, whilst it& #39;ll be a better diagnosis for /a lot/ of people, I do not wish it on any one.
If a kid is anxious, please sort it early :c /fin
And I want people to know that, whilst it& #39;ll be a better diagnosis for /a lot/ of people, I do not wish it on any one.
If a kid is anxious, please sort it early :c /fin
