I like to be jovial, even when I'm anxious I try hard to make a joke or be relatable. I've gone through periods where I've needed to lean on friends before and it's taxing for them so I don't want to be there again.

But I am, so consider this a mute-able thread about me & C-PTSD

C-PTSD is "complex post traumatic stress disorder". It's when trauma was repetitive and inescapable. In my case it's from early childhood with domestic violence, insecure attachment and not getting emotional needs met.

My official diagnosis is bipolar. I meet the criteria for that ("mild", said the doc), and hell, if I told my story in a different way you could tease out borderline personality disorder. But the therapist is framing things in a trauma way, so there we go.

I was known as an anxious kid, and I tried hard at school and did well, so it went mostly ignored.

In truth this was a survival mechanism. I tried hard at school to make the teacher like me, /to be safe/, so if I messed up I'd have a "panic attack" and melt down.

I use quotes because I had my first actual panic attack when I was 18. I've only ever had three, they lasted 1/2 an hour and felt very different, very physical. What these were could last days, were all-consuming. I had no idea what was going on.

They've escalated over time.

Turns out, they're not panic attacks. They're flashbacks, "emotional flashbacks" in some cases, where the initial fear was created before memories formed so there's nothing to flash back to, just the emotional state.

These attack your very core, and I've had them my entire life.

When I'm in a fb I feel younger and will act younger, and everything is beyond life-or-death - death feels preferable (although really it's a need to escape however is possible). I fear disappointing the adults around me and attracting their disgust/scorn.

This all leads to a lack of understanding.
I am a highly capable person. I have a PhD. I am creative. I can drill down and problem solve.

But when I'm triggered, by a look, by a deadline, by making a mistake, by not having a clear path, a terrified 7 year old is at the wheel.

This mismatch between potential and needed safe, cautious reality really confuses people. And, as C-PTSD leads to a distorted sense of self (and in my case, lack of sense-of-self) it confuses me, too, so I people-please and take too much on. ALL THE TIME.

In reality I know I'm human, I'll make mistakes that I can survive and I'll "suffer the slings and arrows", learning a lesson in resilience I never learnt as a kid.

But fuck me guys, all the rationality, all the /reality/ in the world does not help me weather.

I do not believe a word of reassurance out of people's mouths. I can spend hours in a dissociated state having out loud imagined arguments, offering excuses, convinced people hate me. /Hours/. On repeat. For days. Needless to say I don't sleep well and have constant nightmares.

Last week I hurt myself in a deliberately visible way, hoping someone would take me seriously and let me escape. And whilst I have support, the best support(!) I can't /escape/. I have to weather.

And I will weather because I must. But I am so very, very tired. It's relentless.

I know A/D/H/D is all the rage these days, and I fear C-PTSD will be soon, especially if the DSM takes it up.

And I want people to know that, whilst it'll be a better diagnosis for /a lot/ of people, I do not wish it on any one.

If a kid is anxious, please sort it early :c /fin