Women have always been the target of unrealistic expectations of beauty and forced to endure and overcome them

This is no less true for trans women and, in some ways, our failure to meet those expectations can be met with even more malice.

Lately, I've been wrestling with this unfortunate reality a lot.

At some point in the last few months, something has switched in how others perceive me. The compliments about my attractiveness have suddenly gone from polite kindness to seemingly genuine.

The idea that others actually consider me beautiful, gorgeous—even sexy—is something I've had difficulty wrapping my head around

I'm unhappy with so much about my body and appearance and I've spent a majority of my life being as opposite of conventionally beautiful as one can be

At the pharmacy today, one of the techs I've seen regularly for over two years told me I was 'looking so snatched' (that is, really good) and effusively praised my attractiveness.

I blushed and laughed and tried to humbly deny such perceptions of me. I don't know how else to act

It probably sounds like I'm humble bragging about myself; about my beauty; about my fortune and privilege. That's not the case, but I won't argue with anyone that believes otherwise.

Instead, what I'm trying to do is learn to own my beauty regardless of the flaws I still see.

It's so taboo for us to talk about our own beauty, even as we're subjected to those unforgiving standards and expectations. It gives me a cognitive dissonance as I try to reconcile my personal perception and the changing social perceptions of myself.

I won't lie, I WANT to be beautiful. I've been as brainwashed as the next woman, trans or cis, and no matter how much I've learned to see the beauty on everyone without those standards drilled into our heads, it seems impossible to do so for myself.

I struggle to accept that I am enough as I am. That I am beautiful no matter how I look or dress or behave, just as beautiful as every single one of my other sisters, even those that would fight against my existence and equality.

We're all gorgeous. YOU are gorgeous.

So, I'm going to try and share my normally private positive affirmations in an attempt to take ownership of how I'm seen publicly, but of my own personal perception of self as well.

I don't know why I shared any of this. It's just on my mind and I guess I needed to think it out loud in some way.

I hope all of you can see how beautiful you are. Whether it's something others say to you or not, you are all absolutely stunning. Each and every one of you.