No, seriously, let's talk about this.

I love my daughter. Absolutely. More than I ever thought I would.

But baby blues are i n t e n s e, and I was supported and helped through it.

If you didn't want your baby, that's a mental health nightmare.

I spent 2 nights crying because my daughter was in the NICU, the BEST place for her to be if she is sick, and I was despairing that strangers were taking care of my baby. The perceived guilt is SO HUGE that TRAINED PROFESSIONALS taking care of her instead of me was wrong.

But then when she came home, and that first sleepless night of panic, distress, jerking awake to check if she is breathing, waking to her screams, not being able to figure out why she was crying, what each cry meant, was a nightmare.

I felt like I had been tricked. I felt animosity and loathing to the people that I felt had convinced me to have a baby. I feared I had had her too impulsively. I felt like I had made a mistake. But I never thought of hurting her. She was here and she was my responsibility now.

But I can only imagine what that would do to someone who HADN'T wanted a baby from the start. Who couldn't afford it. Who was alone. I have swum my way out of that dark hole of depression, but there are still nights of frustration where I lie there and listen to her cry -

because she has overtired herself and I literally cannot soothe her. There are nights where she is trying to force out poop or gas and nothing can settle her. I have sat in the shower with her, walked around the house, lay awake humming for hours. And I love her.

But if this was forced on someone? If this was a pregnancy someone would have aborted and was forced to go through the physical trauma - AND IT IS TRAUMA - of pregnancy and labor and hormonal bullshittery. That's hell. Absolute hell. That's not 'pro life'.

That dark hole without the salvation of love and support, without seeing that smile and knowing that this, THIS, was what you did it for. Consigning a child either to the foster system or a parent that just doesn't want them?

How is that 'life'.

tl;dr I've had a miscarriage and a baby and I am so pro-choice that if anyone even breathes 'anti-abortion' sentiments around me I will let them watch their own beating heart stop beating in front of their eyes after I pull it from their chest cavity.