#MothersDay thoughts on being an orphan, survivor's guilt,reaching your mother's age when she died. A

Backstory: My family got into a vehicle crash that killed many passengers, including my parents & sister. Father saved my brother's life, mother saved mine. A tragedy 1/

I was 8 when they died.
So, I'm always moody during Mother/Father's Day.
But it hit me extra hard this morning. I'm turning 30 this year. Mama was 33 when she gave up her life for me!

Spent the morning in the shower crying as I realize this. I'm reaching her age! 2/

Being the older sibling in a pair of orphans is tough. You gain the mindset and burden of parenting for your little sibling and yourself. I have that dread/hope that I did what I could to raise us as well as I could have. 3/

I'm so grateful a former colleague introduced me to the term Survivor's Guilt. To help articulate my compulsion to work my butt off, to be hyper independent, to not fail, to make sure that sacrifice was worth it.
It can be a harmful mindset I'm trying to untangle 4/

Give yourself the parenting you wish you had.
Talking to your inner child that was hurt and longing.
Telling yourself, it's safe(r) now, it's OK to let go of the fear.
These are things I'm trying to do for myself now. 5/

So for those people who have complicated thoughts and feelings about Mother's Day:
I see you
You are not alone
It's totally OK to have those feelings.

6/End thread.