TW// Stories of child abuse/sexual assault/suicide

so i guess its in my view time to kind of be out with it, with my story.
Im a survivor of fairly substantial family abuse as a child which kind of completely fucked me mentally. 1/?

from the years 4-11, i was sheltered, deprived of the social connections and privileges most children would have at my age, and i was treated basically as a slave for the gratification of my stepmother. I was at the leverage of a psychopath.

i was beaten, groped, belittled, pushed nearly to suicide, death threated, threatened with rape, threatened with death, tortured physically, sleep deprived, deprived intentionally of food and water at times for torture, and much more. 3/?

while my dad was deployed it was at its worst, since i was at her leverage, the three years of summer most kids use to enjoy, i was subjigated to levels of misery, pain, and fear that i would not wish upon my worst enemy /4

and then suddenly im kicked out and forced to live with my real mother, i was at first relieved, euphoric, content, but slowly, the monster in me, the afraid, angry, bitter, revenge seeking demon that is my subconscious, seeped into my reasoning.

my mind was fragmented, severely, i was dealing with constant mental and emotional turmoil after i had left that place, and i wished that it would go, but mental healthcare was not an option at the moment, so even though i was not free, i was bound to the limits of my mind /6

i for so long since struggled with executive dysfunction, the desire to commit to things, the desire to care about the process. it made me lazy, awful at school, unmotivated, emotionless.

i would much rather numb the pain of truama, i would much rather have never felt anything at all, because i was, and still am, afraid to let the defense mechanisms go.
I am at some points in a constant flux between being an emotional wreck and an unfeeling sociopath. /8

but i dont want this, i dont want anyone to go through this, i dont want anyone to feel like they have a voice in their head thats constantly tricking them into not committing to things for fear of disappointment. its a miserable fate. /9

to lose your sense of long term gratification, your sense of motivation, your drive to discipline and master yourself, is in my view like losing your soul.
But i live with it constantly. And i fucking hate it. I want to rip that part of me out, i want it to go away forever.

however, it is a part of me, it is a part of myself that i spent many years wallowing in, ignorant to what it actually was, and now it feels i in the process have screwed myself over, since now the only way to deal with it is the most painful way imaginable.

i just want to be free of it, i just want it to be over, i just want to be the real me, not this defensive and toxic projection i developed over the years as a way of feeling "safe".
/end thread