tw/ suicide, anxiety, depression

ive not had friends since 2013. the last time i seen my “friends” was on the 27th of December 2012. i had already been hospitalised a couple years previous and was being jerked around by CAMHS (shock i know).

my friends knew about my hospitalisation. i was hospitalised because my parents found my “letter” i had reached my breaking point of severe anxiety, depression and bullying. i managed to navigate myself through that but the next spiral was never far away.

i was missing school a lot because i couldn’t handle it and i was receiving no support from them. they would tell my parents one thing and as soon as i’d walk through the door it was reneged on, i’d hear teachers talk about me saying not nice things. it was hell.

i lasted 2 months of fifth year in 2011, the school stepped in and offered help again but i didn’t trust them, i went a long with it because i had no choice. i was given access to the “school counsellor” ?? i think that’s what she was

seeing the school counsellor was going ok but i was also seeing a psychiatrist privately because camhs shit the bed. he made me so uncomfortable i would have a panic attack all the way there which was like an hour and a half.

he would ask me questions that made me so uncomfortable around my sexual activity. like i was 15/16 year old i had kissed one girl and only once. it gave me an untrust of psychiatrists and male doctors in general.

with everything getting worse not better i was nearing another spiral when i had my first meeting of the new school year of 2012 with the school counsellor which took place in a broom cupboard where after the session i was made walk out into a hallway full of pupils

everyone stared and asked why was i in the cupboard, who was the woman, was i crazy, was i sick, in one move the school took away my privacy and not long after that i attempted again. no hospital this time, no nothing, just a 16 year old boy, crying alone, in the rain, by a road

i left school again in 2012 for the last time i stayed in contact with my “ best friends” that i grew up with and the few i had from my year. things weren’t easy and there was days that i just spent crying and didn’t message back.

so the 27th of december comes around and my best friend invites me to hers to hang with a few people and i muster every single piece of courage i have to go and i walk to hers only to find one of the people whole bullied me and tried outing me was also there

i struggle through the moments with him but it’s overrides by my joy of being around my best friend in whole fucking world, we watched jacksss the movie it was between that or inglorious bastards but we decided we could still chat with jackass on

we laughed, took pics, played games and just chatted about stupid shit it was the best night of my life in years. no tears of pain only of laughter and joy. it was pretty late and it was decided we slowly head to my house with me and then they’d walk back. felt liked they cared

as i turned up my road and looked back to them waving at me screaming goodnight at like 2am that was the last time i seen my best friend as my best friend. after that school started again and my “friends” became more distant the slow reply, and not invite me to things

eventually the communication dried up and they stopped replying to my messages completely. the friends that said “we will always be there for you” “we will always be here to talk to” we’re gone i was abandoned by the only people who gave light to my miserable existence

i’ve tried to reach out over the years but to no avail. my best guy friend since playschool turned out to also be gay and i reached out and got ignored another friend from school also turned out to be gay we chatted a little maybe 6 or 7 messages and that was that

my best friend never made any effort to reach out, i tried but got no response. over the years it has broken my heart in ways i cannot described. you miss out on so much when you don’t have friends. and i’ll never get those years of missed experiences back.

im a lot better than i was back then and ive also learnt a lot about myself because of those experiences. i dont really know what this thread is and i feel stupid now after writing it all out because nobody wants to fucking read this hahaha but i just felt i needed to get it out!