As the academic year comes to a close, I find myself really struggling with what to feel. This spring in particular has brought so many opportunities and I am proud of what I have managed to achieve despite it all. But I’m not sure how I’ll recover from this. 1/

In December I told the DGS that I was very close to dropping out. This reasonably came as a shock - I am a chronic over-achiever who always works extremely hard to meet the highest standards while hiding the fact that it’s often destroying me. 2/

I thrive on praise and approval and I will bend over backwards to get it. I am the poster child for everything a grad student is supposed to be in the toxic environment of academia. 3/

But I am so tired and this isn’t sustainable. When I try to tell people that, though, they often act like I’m exaggerating because I’ve always pulled it off in the past. This isn’t a criticism of them but a reflection of how screwed up this system is. 4/

Please listen to your grad students when we tell you we’re struggling, because it is hard and scary to admit that. We have been brought up through systems that try to burn off anything that might be considered weakness, even in the kindest, warmest departments. 5/

And that’s what’s so frustrating. I work with some of the most caring people I have ever met yet I still spend 98% of my time feeling like I have failed. And I’m honestly terrified to post this thread because I’ve gotten so good at hiding all of this. 6/

But hopefully at least one other grad student who is feeling this way will see this and will feel less alone. 7/7