TW: mental health, dysphoria, suicidal ideation

I need to talk about something

Despite what you’ve been seeing on main, I have been struggling very heavily this past week.

1/

As many of you probably already know, I have severe adhd. This isn’t just not being able to “pay attention,” this is the kind of adhd that directly negatively effects things like task management or focusing responsibilities

2/

Since my diagnosis, my doctor (who is my endo overseeing my transition and my primary care physician) has been trying to figure out the best way to address it

3/

I won’t get into the specifics for safety reasons, but my state will not allow me to have an adderall prescription while I have a medical marijuana card.

Thing is, I’m not just a casual stoner. I have diagnosed ptsd stemming from childhood trauma. This is for panic attacks

3/

Put into the impossible situation of treating either adhd or ptsd, we’ve been trying alternatives to the stimulants that are inaccessible to me. We tried Wellbutrin, which didn’t do shit

Then last week I was put on strattera

4/

For the first half of the week things seemed okay. The only notable side effect is that I would never seem to get hungry. But then around Wednesday something began to change

Side effects of straterra include exhaustion, depression, and in the case of .4%, suicidal thoughts

5/

Guess who got all three

6/

Thursday was... not a good day. My body was exhausted, my brain was full of intrusive thoughts, and I had to work a twelve hour day to complete a major project

I broke down on Thursday night. Suddenly I found myself being hit with wave after wave of vivid thoughts of suicide

7/

I stopped taking the meds on Friday, but still felt off as the previous days dose exited my system.

See, I suffered heavily from suicidal ideation pre-transition. During the last year of being closeted, it was basically a daily battle not to self harm

8/

After transition, those thoughts went away. For the first time in my life I was happy without strings attached. I found a new job. Built a life. Found a wonderful girlfriend

And then, out of nowhere, this. This old... enemy shows up at my door again

9/

As bad as the suicidal thoughts were, the doubt in my own progress their presence has sewn has been even more damaging.

Not only am I dealing with the side effects of the medication, I’ve been in a dysphoric spiral.

10/

Now there’s no threat of me harming myself

11/

But

This hurts very badly

I don’t know if I’ll be able to treat my adhd

My progress has been put into doubt

I hate my brain

12/

I wanted to warn my trans followers about this. The likelihood of you having the same side effects is low

But they hit every bad trigger we have

And it’s going to take a lot of work for me to get back to okay

13/

There was more but for some reason twitter glitched and I lost the last of the thread

I don’t have the energy to retype it

Just... you know. Heads up about strattera

/end