I've been speaking about this a lot in the past 1.5 years, but I've never written a thread about it I can reference in my conversations.

So here it is: Why self-love is the most important starting point (and pursuit).

And how I personally discovered this...

In late 2019 I was experiencing a dark period in my life.

Despite my obsession with self-help books for 10+ years, I had nothing to show for all my learning. What made it worse was that I was sharing ideas about how others can improve their lives, yet I was neglecting my own.

Maybe "neglect" isn't the right word. I was struggling.

I felt overwhelmed by all that I knew and scattered by all the possibilities available to me. My brain was in a constant state of fogginess and I couldn't think clearly for any extended period of time.

A few years before that I was diagnosed with ADHD. I understood why I thought the way I did and struggled the way I struggled, but I still felt trapped.

Where do I even begin? It felt like I was drowning on the inside and I can't call out for help.

I started becoming very judgmental of those around me (deflecting the attention that I needed to give to myself) and I felt an intense need to be loved, but nobody around me showed me love the way I wanted, which fueled my frustrations even more.

For many years my wife complained that I work all the time. That was a front I actually made improvements in... but she didn't notice them.

I started saying yes to almost every family commitment, but the idea of "Haider is too busy" was ingrained in her mind.

So in late 2019 my wife got busy teaching the kids. To me it felt like the roles were reversed: now I'm making myself available and want to spend time with the family, but the family is too busy to spend time with me.

I saw it as hypocrisy and it made me even angrier.

I told my wife we should at least dedicate lunch time for us to spend time together with no interruptions.

I would put my phone away, but she would have her phone with her to respond to inquiries from mothers in our children's classes.

I was still obsessing about what others were doing and what my wife was doing, in particular, which made these interactions incredibly frustrating.

One day she answered the phone during lunch and walked away to take the call. She returned 15 mins later as if nothing happened.

I started shouting and threw the f-bomb in front of my kids.

All I was asking for was this time with no interruptions. Why was it so hard? Why is school work more important? Why was responding to the mothers more important than spending time with me?!

I didn't recognize who I had became. It was a surreal and disorienting experience.

I'm usually considerate of others, so what led me to this point? Is this who I want to be? Is this how I want to live?

I realized I had no control over others and don't want others to have control over me.

So what should I do?

What I needed to focus on and what was missing in my life was me loving myself. Ambitious people often THINK they love themselves, but they don't.

Trying to be the best you can be doesn't necessarily mean that you care about yourself. In fact, it can be the exact opposite.

It can be the CONDITION you're placing on yourself before you can love yourself.

No achievement = No love.

The message? "Try harder"

MANY, MANY people are going through life either striving to love themselves, seeking other people's love, or pretending that they love themselves by occupying their time with entertainment (if I'm having fun then I must be happy).

But there's a deeper issue to address...

Do you love yourself as you are, with all your shortcomings and imperfections?

Do you feel comfortable saying to yourself: "I love you"?

If there is any hesitation or "yes, but..." then there's work to be done.

You want to love yourself unconditionally.

This isn't delusion or a sign of weakness. You're not denying your shortcomings. You're not abandoning personal development.

But personal development comes from a place of pure love, not conditional love to earn.

You deserve your love because you exist and you're responsible for taking care of yourself.

This responsibility isn't a burden, but an honor. You have the opportunity to express love in its purest form. Start with yourself before you try to love and help others.

The two main practices I worked on were:

1- Notice how I was speaking to myself and choosing kindness as my highest priority. Begin with kindness to myself and every other outcome (such as productivity) will follow

2- Notice when I'm judging others and let go of my expectations

Don't try to be kind to yourself AND do other things. Be kind to yourself THEN other things will become easier to achieve.

Do things THROUGH kindness, not as additional responsibilities and pursuits.

This ensures kindness and self-love become your highest priority.

Not judging others is simply a commitment to your own self-love.

Finding fault in others is a way of distracting ourselves from ourselves, and it reinforces an unhealthy attitude we will apply to ourselves, as well, on some level.

You are your own project in life. Work on you.

Will this be easy?

The question is wrong because it sets expectations that will distract you from the practice. I can't say whether it will be easy for you or not.

Expecting it to be easy might shock you when things get hard.

Expecting it to be hard might have you do things that are unnecessarily hard and can be avoided.

Drop the expectations. Focus on practicing kindness.

There is no timeline for this. It's an ongoing practice.

It took me 2-3 weeks to see a shift in my attitude towards life, my ability to focus at work, my ability to take care of myself and improve my habits, the love and respect I was able to show to others, etc.

A friend told me: "Whatever it is you're on, I want to have some of it."

The feeling has lasted since late 2019. I went through all of 2020 without losing my temper once. There were periods of stress and uncertainty, but my baseline of happiness and contentment has been higher than any other period in my life.

It starts and ends with self-love.