Read on Twitter
I& #39;ve had a very anxious few days so I got curious about why. And the problem might be the reason I refer to myself as "we" sometimes. So, Autism requires structure, is orderly to a fault. ADHD 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen"> - this part of me amuses me - Structure for who? Ma& #39;am, good luck with that list https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Grinsendes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Grinsendes Gesicht">
So I& #39;ll go to sleep having a plan for the next day. Like my autistic side will not allow me not to plan. Absolutely no way. Then I& #39;ll wake up with the plan I had in mind. With a serious urge to get it all done. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where the problem begins.
I& #39;ll have to negotiate with myself to wake up. For the longest time, I thought I had split personalities or something. Turns out it was autism not amused by the situation "we" are in. Without meds, this was a 1 to 2 hour affair. For real - waking up was hours of negotiation.
I& #39;ll talk about meds in another thread but let& #39;s keep going. So, imagine one part of your brain is screaming that you should get something done, and the other is like: "who says we must? Stop with the drama and relax". Woe unto me if I pick up the phone and check Twitter.
I& #39;ll realize it& #39;s 3 hours later and it will feel like it was just a couple of minutes. Hyperfocus in ADHD is an interesting thing. Also thanks to ADHD, my relationship with time is something like *a day is like a minute to my brain*. Makes me very good at long term planning.
Let me digress and explain the time thing. Because of having both Autism and ADHD - ADHD being the above and Autism being strict with planning, 5 years into the future isn& #39;t the long time people make it out to be. It& #39;s "months" away. So I can make 5 year plans with the right data
I say right data because my brain hogs data. Everything including personalities and society in general, is just data points. Mostly qualitative so I need quantitative data. I& #39;m yet to fully understand how I do this but incomplete datasets will have me making wrong assumptions.
Back to *now I& #39;m on Twitter*. Whenever I did that, without meds, the first thing that would hit me is a wave of anxiety. Because my autistic side knew that this wasn& #39;t the plan. And besides this not being the plan, "we" were about to lose hours of the day to this platform.
So how did I cope? Well, I& #39;d start work at 10 or 11. People used to joke about my "boss hours". Like I& #39;d be late to work - my employer allows you to recoup your day. Most times I& #39;d leave work at 8 or 9 PM. It was just an easier schedule for me to follow.
Why is waking up and sitting down important? As an autistic with ADHD, what I needed to do is sit. That& #39;s it - sit. Once I sit, I& #39;ll get stuff done. And I& #39;ll *somewhat* follow the list on sticky notes. Though the problems aren& #39;t done - up next is distractions and chasing dopamine
Pre WFH, and imagine I was completely unaware, this was chaos! My workplace is white lit and there& #39;s always a guy grinding something outside coz it& #39;s a workshop setting. That is Autistic kryptonite right there ans was probably the reason I had headaches that would never stop.
Then, my colleagues would come up to me and ask me questions or interact with me. Talking is a Autistic stim for me https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen"> The ADHD would refuse to sit down coz we haven& #39;t gathered enough dopamine to do that babe. So I& #39;d walk around to chat with people - An ADHD stim.
By 12, I think we& #39;d have enough dopamine fod the day. I manage a team so by that time, I& #39;ve resolved everyone& #39;s issue, helped whoever was unable to think through an issue to do that, helped someone edit their proposal etc etc. So now, we sit and work.
Enter hyperfocus. Don& #39;t bother calling me in that setting. I won& #39;t hear you. The problem was interruptions. Helpful manager Anne would constantly be interrupted because of our open floor office plan and I& #39;d be livid inside. But I didn& #39;t know. So I& #39;d stop and help. Then continue
At end of the day, I& #39;d have disrespected my autistic side so much, I& #39;d have nausea (one way that anxiety presents itself for me), I& #39;d have a headache (because of the lighting and sound) and so many other problems. I& #39;d get home and collapse into a heap. Nothing left in me.
And here, is where I& #39;d make the worst mistake - I& #39;d continue working. You ask how? I would be overstimulated from all the talking (interesting conversations at work), walking around etc. I& #39;d mistake this for energy and keep pushing using hyperfocus. I& #39;d do this till 1 or 2.
So, you ask, why was this the worst mistake? Well, aggression. To be clear, my general personality is *aggressive and cold* - which is just autism. Like I have a blank face that looks like a frown which I mask by smiling continuously. So what do I mean by aggression?
Well, I& #39;d be snappy. Anyone who knows me knows this state. Anything small sets me off. Normally I say something sarcastic if you say something I don& #39;t like but now? Now I& #39;ll lecture you for hours. No joke. That& #39;s burnout for me. Autism is communicating that we need to stop.
Last year, this peaked with burnout of the century. I won& #39;t go into details but I& #39;d had a stressful 2019 and till early 2020. All that anxiety and stress ended with an asthma attack that would only react to meds. Yes - stress exacerbates asthma for me.
What else? Well, painful periods. For real, I had to take the day off for my first day. I& #39;m still dealing with this but it& #39;s reducing as I go along. But I didn& #39;t stop plus 2020 got more stressful. So my body started communicating its anger in pain elsewhere.
The acidity that felt like a heart attack, the nausea that wouldn& #39;t go away, and guess what? Every test came back clean. But I knew something was wrong. It ended with me at my psychiatrist& #39;s - the story is for another day. Just know that I took myself there and here we are today.
WFH has taught me to respect my autistic side. It& #39;s what made me realize that inasmuch as I call myself an extrovert, I just talk to stimulate myself. I need less conversation while on medication. So I& #39;m just extroverted where in the past I was extreme extroverted.
ADHD https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen"> This is amusing. Like, I& #39;m sorry, it& #39;s definitely debilitating but I can negotiate with everything and everyone in my life except ADHD. Like my body creates a set of instructions that& #39;s contrary to the input data https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen"> As you can tell, autism is what I consider my "core"
ADHD for me is the side of me that reminds me life shouldn& #39;t be taken as seriously as my autistic side would like. Looking at this from a mood& #39;s perspective, someone would think I& #39;m Bipolar. And women with Autism get misdiagnosed with Bipolar a lot.
As you can tell, it& #39;s not all fun and games. I struggle sometimes. Like a lot. The anxiety can get really bad. Depression can set in when I& #39;m unable to achieve things I (autistic me) want to achieve etc etc. But we are not what the media has told you we are. I& #39;m Autistic.
This is what Autism looks like. This is what ADHD looks like.
This thread is written in Swanglish https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ" title="Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen" aria-label="Emoji: Gesicht mit FreudentrĂ€nen"> English but in Swahili grammar. I don& #39;t know which one is responsible but oh well.
