Read on Twitter
I've had a very anxious few days so I got curious about why. And the problem might be the reason I refer to myself as "we" sometimes. So, Autism requires structure, is orderly to a fault. ADHD 
- this part of me amuses me - Structure for who? Ma'am, good luck with that list 
- this part of me amuses me - Structure for who? Ma'am, good luck with that list
So I'll go to sleep having a plan for the next day. Like my autistic side will not allow me not to plan. Absolutely no way. Then I'll wake up with the plan I had in mind. With a serious urge to get it all done. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is where the problem begins.
I'll have to negotiate with myself to wake up. For the longest time, I thought I had split personalities or something. Turns out it was autism not amused by the situation "we" are in. Without meds, this was a 1 to 2 hour affair. For real - waking up was hours of negotiation.
I'll talk about meds in another thread but let's keep going. So, imagine one part of your brain is screaming that you should get something done, and the other is like: "who says we must? Stop with the drama and relax". Woe unto me if I pick up the phone and check Twitter.
I'll realize it's 3 hours later and it will feel like it was just a couple of minutes. Hyperfocus in ADHD is an interesting thing. Also thanks to ADHD, my relationship with time is something like *a day is like a minute to my brain*. Makes me very good at long term planning.
Let me digress and explain the time thing. Because of having both Autism and ADHD - ADHD being the above and Autism being strict with planning, 5 years into the future isn't the long time people make it out to be. It's "months" away. So I can make 5 year plans with the right data
I say right data because my brain hogs data. Everything including personalities and society in general, is just data points. Mostly qualitative so I need quantitative data. I'm yet to fully understand how I do this but incomplete datasets will have me making wrong assumptions.
Back to *now I'm on Twitter*. Whenever I did that, without meds, the first thing that would hit me is a wave of anxiety. Because my autistic side knew that this wasn't the plan. And besides this not being the plan, "we" were about to lose hours of the day to this platform.
So how did I cope? Well, I'd start work at 10 or 11. People used to joke about my "boss hours". Like I'd be late to work - my employer allows you to recoup your day. Most times I'd leave work at 8 or 9 PM. It was just an easier schedule for me to follow.
Why is waking up and sitting down important? As an autistic with ADHD, what I needed to do is sit. That's it - sit. Once I sit, I'll get stuff done. And I'll *somewhat* follow the list on sticky notes. Though the problems aren't done - up next is distractions and chasing dopamine
Pre WFH, and imagine I was completely unaware, this was chaos! My workplace is white lit and there's always a guy grinding something outside coz it's a workshop setting. That is Autistic kryptonite right there ans was probably the reason I had headaches that would never stop.
Then, my colleagues would come up to me and ask me questions or interact with me. Talking is a Autistic stim for me The ADHD would refuse to sit down coz we haven't gathered enough dopamine to do that babe. So I'd walk around to chat with people - An ADHD stim.
The ADHD would refuse to sit down coz we haven't gathered enough dopamine to do that babe. So I'd walk around to chat with people - An ADHD stim.
By 12, I think we'd have enough dopamine fod the day. I manage a team so by that time, I've resolved everyone's issue, helped whoever was unable to think through an issue to do that, helped someone edit their proposal etc etc. So now, we sit and work.
Enter hyperfocus. Don't bother calling me in that setting. I won't hear you. The problem was interruptions. Helpful manager Anne would constantly be interrupted because of our open floor office plan and I'd be livid inside. But I didn't know. So I'd stop and help. Then continue
At end of the day, I'd have disrespected my autistic side so much, I'd have nausea (one way that anxiety presents itself for me), I'd have a headache (because of the lighting and sound) and so many other problems. I'd get home and collapse into a heap. Nothing left in me.
And here, is where I'd make the worst mistake - I'd continue working. You ask how? I would be overstimulated from all the talking (interesting conversations at work), walking around etc. I'd mistake this for energy and keep pushing using hyperfocus. I'd do this till 1 or 2.
So, you ask, why was this the worst mistake? Well, aggression. To be clear, my general personality is *aggressive and cold* - which is just autism. Like I have a blank face that looks like a frown which I mask by smiling continuously. So what do I mean by aggression?
Well, I'd be snappy. Anyone who knows me knows this state. Anything small sets me off. Normally I say something sarcastic if you say something I don't like but now? Now I'll lecture you for hours. No joke. That's burnout for me. Autism is communicating that we need to stop.
Last year, this peaked with burnout of the century. I won't go into details but I'd had a stressful 2019 and till early 2020. All that anxiety and stress ended with an asthma attack that would only react to meds. Yes - stress exacerbates asthma for me.
What else? Well, painful periods. For real, I had to take the day off for my first day. I'm still dealing with this but it's reducing as I go along. But I didn't stop plus 2020 got more stressful. So my body started communicating its anger in pain elsewhere.
The acidity that felt like a heart attack, the nausea that wouldn't go away, and guess what? Every test came back clean. But I knew something was wrong. It ended with me at my psychiatrist's - the story is for another day. Just know that I took myself there and here we are today.
WFH has taught me to respect my autistic side. It's what made me realize that inasmuch as I call myself an extrovert, I just talk to stimulate myself. I need less conversation while on medication. So I'm just extroverted where in the past I was extreme extroverted.
ADHD This is amusing. Like, I'm sorry, it's definitely debilitating but I can negotiate with everything and everyone in my life except ADHD. Like my body creates a set of instructions that's contrary to the input data As you can tell, autism is what I consider my "core"
This is amusing. Like, I'm sorry, it's definitely debilitating but I can negotiate with everything and everyone in my life except ADHD. Like my body creates a set of instructions that's contrary to the input data As you can tell, autism is what I consider my "core"
ADHD for me is the side of me that reminds me life shouldn't be taken as seriously as my autistic side would like. Looking at this from a mood's perspective, someone would think I'm Bipolar. And women with Autism get misdiagnosed with Bipolar a lot.
As you can tell, it's not all fun and games. I struggle sometimes. Like a lot. The anxiety can get really bad. Depression can set in when I'm unable to achieve things I (autistic me) want to achieve etc etc. But we are not what the media has told you we are. I'm Autistic.
This is what Autism looks like. This is what ADHD looks like.
This thread is written in Swanglish English but in Swahili grammar. I don't know which one is responsible but oh well.
English but in Swahili grammar. I don't know which one is responsible but oh well.
