For #MentalHealthAwarenessMonth, let's talk about what causes antisocial personality disorder.

Some will say the cause is unknown or that it's some vague combination of genetics and environmental factors. I'm going to share what caused it for me.

tw // abuse , sexual assault

There are mentions of sexual assault and domestic violence in this thread. Please do not read if any of those topics could be triggering for you.

I fear it would be dishonest to talk about ASPD without talking about the cause, and also that by not mentioning anything it could lead to further misinformation about what this disorder is. I want to be as transparent as possible because of how important this is to me.

tw // abuse , sexual assault

I developed ASPD due to growing up in a broken home, witnessing domestic violence, constant arguments between my parents, and being repeatedly sexually assaulted by one of them as a child.

For a long time, I would be scared to go to sleep due to thoughts over what might happen and what did. I ran away from home multiple times to try and escape it.

All of those traumatic events had a significant impact on me because they happened for so long and from such a young age. It shaped my view of the world, those around me, and sadly it contributed to how I am today.

tw // abuse , sexual assault

My problems in school started almost as soon as I began attending it, getting significantly worse after being sexually assaulted. By the age of 13, I had been in countless detentions, suspended, and finally expelled for my ongoing behaviour.

I was sent to a behavioural school following this and remained there until GCSEs, but still I never improved. It didn't seem to click. I still kept acting out despite consequences, despite knowing I was causing harm to those around me.

I didn't really have the capacity to care. I feel violence was so normalised to me from a young age that I genuinely didn't know any better or could feel bad about what I was doing, because I saw it was normal. This is what I saw at home.

This was how I knew to act and what I Iearnt from witnessing the behaviour of those around me, from those that raised me. I thought it was normal and okay to hurt others when you're angry with them, but it is not okay at all.

This behaviour; it's antisocial. This is not how to go through life, breaking rules, laws, hurting those around you. Hurting those that resemble your abuser to feel like you're getting back at them in some way for what they did to you, but you're not, and it's maladaptive.

And this long standing, pervasive pattern of antisocial behaviour, starting out in early childhood and extending into adulthood, is what makes up antisocial personality disorder.

Childhood trauma was the cause for me. My trauma is not an excuse for my behaviour, it's an explanation. I'm still responsible for my actions and have to hold myself accountable for what I do.

In my previous thread I talked about how I didn't like that ASPD is always shown in a bad light, but acknowledged that some of the symptoms aren't good. I stand by this.

I'm aware my behaviour and symptoms aren't good, but that doesn't mean I always have to be like this.

It is possible to improve with the right therapy and support. It is possible to turn your life around from this. I'm not there yet as I still struggle a lot, but admitting that I have these difficulties is the first step towards making a change.

I hope by sharing my story I can shed light on what this disorder is and where it can come from. I want to educate about this properly, document my recovery and part of that is making myself vulnerable with the truth.

Truth is mental illness is complex, it can be difficult to live with and it can be hard to talk about, but it is something I feel comfortable writing about and that's what I'm going to continue to do.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.