A number of people see me as weird because of some of my desires. And the kind of marriage I envisage. Some people see it like I’m adopting some sort of western ideologies and no African man will be open to them. Some others feel that I may be losing it.

I think it is high time I cleared the air.

I am very outspoken about the kind of marriage I want. I always state clearly that I don’t want a marriage where my husband is the primary provider. I desire a relationship where we’re both responsible for the money that comes in and

3. for chores like cooking and the likes. I do not want any of these roles to be my primary duty like society prescribes. My desire is to do things together.

When I say this, some people think that I am coming from a place of pride. But it is not. I just don’t want to stress

4. anybody’s son by making him take up the whole responsibility of the family — that is my desire. I always pray to be financially buoyant enough to be able to pick up the bills in the family. In the same way, I don’t desire a marriage whereby the burden of chores will be placed

5. on me alone. My desire is that these chores will be done according to who is more capable or who is more available at the moment. Nothing should be fixed.

In the olden days, men went farming and some of these men had many wives and it was like a perfect pattern then.

6. The man goes to the farm in the morning and spends most of his time there while his wives take turns to make breakfast, lunch, & dinner.

That was what they had then. And everyone was okay with it but times have changed. So why should we be rigid about doing things this way?

7. Men and women have careers these days and oftentimes we see situations where they both close from work at the same time but the woman is still expected to cook ALONE despite having the same busy schedule. I have even heard of situations where the man gets home on time and the

8. woman gets home late at night but the man will still wait for the woman to cook. I feel that this pattern or arrangement is not fair and I strongly believe that these things contribute to why we see some of those mothers looking older than their husbands.

Also, I don’t want

9. to see contributing financially to my own home as helping or assisting my husband. In the same way, I do not want to see the idea of my man cooking, washing plates, or pots as helping me. I believe in shared work and responsibility as it encourages partnership In marriage.

10. Motherhood is even another phase entirely where some men leave their wives to do it all. Although the woman is the only that channel to bring in the child and breastfeed, there are several ways the man can be present. He can bathe his child, dress the child up, changing the

11. baby’s clothes and diapers when soiled, and rock the baby to sleep. The only thing he can’t do is breastfeeding. Every other thing to be done, he is capable of doing. And since the woman learns these things and I believe that the man should too.

I once heard a man of God

12. telling women to understand that their husbands are not really capable of withstanding the noise at night and might need to leave the room at night to take solace and I felt somehow. So, it is the only woman that is capable of tolerating the noise? They make it look like

13. caring for children is so effortless and comes naturally to women. But it isn’t. Thankfully, pumping is even another option and the woman can sleep.

The women birthing the child is never an excuse for deadbeat fathering!

I always say this:
I grew up seeing my dad bathe me

14. and my twin brother, getting our clothes and dressing us up while mother was cooking. Parenting is a joint effort. The way my father has been there for me makes me know that he has got a special place in my heart and I can’t give something more to my mum and give him less.

15. He has paid his dues in my life. The way he has fathered me makes me pray this prayer that if I ever get to have kids, may my unborn kids never have reasons to love me more than their father. I want to see a highly present father in my future husband. Let him play the

16. fatherhood role so well that it will be so difficult for them to choose between me and him which is exactly my reality. Amen

I know there are family dynamics and people will say let the couple do whatever works for them. But then whatever works or them that makes those women

17. age more than their husbands, what works for them that put heavy financial pressure on the man, what works for them that makes the women think that my money is my money and his money is our money in the midst of this economic situation, family dynamics that the women can’t

18. leave her home for a conference that matters because the husband can’t efficiently stand in the gap during her absence, family dynamics that there are domestic demands and we sure do know how they affect some women in their career trajectory, family dynamics that make the

19. woman take care of the baby alone without support system from the husband,

I want none of that!

Am I weird then if I want to do things based on who is available not just because I am a woman?
Am I also weird if I don’t want a marriage where my husband to be the sole

20. provider even in the midst of the economic situations?
Am I weird if I desire that house chores should be jointly done at home?
Am I then weird if I desire that we work together in partnership and nothing rigid according to culture?
Am I then weird if I desire that I do not

21. want a man who will be at home all day and still expect that I come back home to cook?
Am I then weird whereby I can pay the children's school fees without asking my man?
Am I weird expecting partnership at work?

I believe that if cooking is not restricted to a gender,

22. therefore preparing it should not exclusively be meant for one person. If spending money is not meant by one gender, then making the money should not be left for one person alone.

I mean when you are kind, why leave the other party doing some things, cooking and just reading

23. the newspaper which never comes easy.

Is it weird then to say that that the kitchen is jointly owned and not something I see owning alone?

Well, for women who believe that my money is my money and his money is our money, then I think it is fair if the women handle all the

24. chores alone…well..well. I mean marriage is partnership. Yes, culture is there but should we be rigid to cultures especially when they are not relevant to our current realities and puts pressure on one person?

Some people will stick to culture at the detriment of being

25. thoughtful, kind, or fully giving out their goodness to their partner! Culture is dynamic! Realities are different!! Things evolve. We shouldn’t just give excuses based on culture. Culture is good and the good parts should be preserved but the not-so-palatable ones shouldn’t.

26. I have been to some countries and the fathers are so present in the children’s life…no excuses!

This post reinforces my stance https://www.facebook.com/chrisinspire/posts/3778974112169806