Since it is Mental Health month and also BPD awareness. I figured I'd share my mental illnesses again and maybe some things I have to live with because of it.

This might be a long list.

ADHD

Had this ever since I was born. As everyone with ADHD is.
Was officially diagnosed age 9. And have been testing a few kinds of meds for it since.

Symptoms I carry from ADHD;

- Executive dysfunction.

Meaning sometimes, in my own words, my brain just refuses to do anything. Even if I really wanted to. And so badly the fact that I can't could make me cry.

It feels like someone is holding you down physically. Like a paralysis. Or rather, it *is* a type of paralysis.

Some days it would keep me in bed. Literally sometimes for 24 hours.
I'd hold my pee in and starve myself basically.

And this wasn't just in high school or pre school. But continued and still does into my adult life.

- Hyperactivity / Impulsiveness.

Some days I am absolutely bursting with energy.
I don't shut up. I probably have annoyed you (but not necessarily in a harmful way), and I must do everything and anything.

Boredom is the enemy. And yet will arise at an instant if my brain isn't stimulated often enough.

Understimulation can and will lead to depression. Pouting and irritability a common reaction to stress in this mode.
Sensitive, wild, and unchained.

If it isn't fun? It can fuck off. I'd rather drown in my negativity than be bored.

On top of that. I might be willing to throw caution to the wind just to have a good time. As the feeling can be as addicting as any drug for us.

That said. Heavy regret usually follows after a hyper / manic day.
Even if it was the best day of my life.

- Hyperfocus.

Although not everyone with ADHD is the same nor experiences this. I personally find this an upside to my natural and healthy ADHD brain.

It isn't often. But more or less it is a mental 'state' you can achieve in which you can get an impossibly large amount of work done within impossibly short time frames.

Your mind is like in overdrive.
And although it can be physically exhausting. Nothing can stop your thinking process power.
Think of it like this: most folks have about 4 cores in their CPU.
Hyperfocus is like temporarily upgrading to 16 cores. If you know computers.

I once completed an entire grade's worth of work in two weeks because of it.
It's such a godly thing. And why we work so well under pressure.

BPD

I cannot be sure when I officially got this. But a lot of psychiatrists, therapists and psychologists speculate it typically stems from child abuse. Usually of a sexual nature. Or time spent in the military.

I think I have had it since probably I was around 10 or so.
But abuse from my ex wife definitely made it worse and made the symptoms more extreme.

Symptoms I carry from BPD;

BPD actually has a lot in common with ADHD, so much so, Women in particular (statistically speaking) are misdiagnosed with ADHD in young ages.
Probably vise versa as well.

Executive Dysfunction, being extremely sensitive / emotional, impulsive, addictive personalities, and all sorts of fun things carry over with my ADHD to BPD.
With them combined. I feel it might be doubly intense for it.

- Fear of abandonment.

I more or less, but not inherently always, hold a subconscious fear that folks will leave me.
Because of this, I can go two directions.

I can absolutely obsess over a person and love them and do anything for them to stay (though I refuse / learned to do this with anyone but my wife anymore), or assume they believe the worst about me.

This can result in intrusive thoughts that claim everyone hates me. I am worthless. Etc.
It can make finding new friends almost impossible. And if possible, then impossible to believe.
And losing a friend a very life-rattling experience.
Even if you didn't know them much at all.

I think it is pretty much the result of folks leaving you in the past, or abusive language. Or in general losing people too often.

Again it is unique for everyone. And I cannot speak for others.

But this *thing* I have going on with people. It potentially puts major stress on all my relationships.
It isn't easy dealing with someone who cannot or will not acknowledge your love for them.

But it isn't really like that.

On good days when we are stable; love from family and friends is appreciated above and beyond. You make us cry happy tears with the smallest of kindness.
Maybe because we are not "used" to it. Or don't expect it subconsciously.

But idk.
If you have a friend with BPD remind them of how you feel about them every now and then. I promise they will love it.

- Splitting / Black and White thinking.

This is hard to understand for most let alone describe.

But I will give it my best shot.

It is this symptom and the behavior that comes with it (in most cases) that is responsible in part (besides mainly social stigma itself) for the stereotype of folks like us being "manipulative", or at least I feel as much.

Picture yourself as a child. Try to recollect how you acted towards criticisms, or scolding. Maybe scary situations.
Well that child version of yourself, in a manner of speaking only, can survive and live on within you for the rest of your life with BPD.

It is in no way like plural folks who have other folks living in one body. And it isn't entirely and truly yourself either. But it is.

Bear with me.

This "brain state" or whatever you want to call it is also understood as I guess, a panicked mode. Where you revert to very simple and basic instinct that can come off as "child-like".

I sometimes call it "feral", because it literally can feel like you are entirely without control of yourself.
On days where it isn't so harsh, I call it "babysitting".

Everyone reacts differently and feels differently. I cannot stress this enough.

But for me I scream. I pout. I cry at the smallest thing. I burst into loud and unadulterated laughter.

It can usually be negative. But the core if it, is that your emotional processor is "malfunctioning" so hard on you, every emotion feels 100%.

And can instantly swap around. Even more so than those with bipolar might experience.

It depends mostly on your mindset at the instance of the attack. And what triggered you for its various intensities.

Sometimes even suicidal ideation (folks with BPD have one of if not the highest rates of suicide), as I can say I personally attempted twice.

These attacks are different from PTSD and its variants because (usually, if not also dissociating) we are for the most part quite conscious and aware.
Controlling yourself against every crying instinct within you is the real battle.

Often I exaggerate and make things worse than they truly are.

On our good days while we split. We might treat you like a damn king. Extend every curtosy. Be mindful and careful of everything. Help you in any way possible.

Not to make you think we are great and to forget our outbursts or panicked moments. But because we sincerely love and admire you.

That's why folks with BPD, at least normally, aren't manipulative. But get labeled as much.
Our feelings and how we act are very honest. It just isn't exactly stable in the way we express them.

That said. Don't subject yourself to abuse just because someone has BPD.

BPD doesn't make you abusive.
But abusive folks can have it. And it isn't ableist to defend yourself or speak your concerns. Or even cut someone off.

It's important for folks with BPD to remember it is okay for folks to do this as well.

Chronic Depression (aka Dysthymia)

This is something I believe to have gotten around puberty. Almost naturally. Some kind of chemical imbalance I suffer along with my other disorders and illnesses.

I don't really think it has a rhyme or reason to its nature as it can hit me at any time. Any place. Doing anything. But most typically at night.

- Sadness / Depression almost every day.

I can proudly say I have days where I don't cry and have a great time.
But most of the time, my brain finds something to be sad about.

A good example was spilling my coffee this morning and bawling about it.

Dreading everything I would have to do to get another one. Spiraling into thoughts of everything that's bad.

Crying. Lots of crying.
If I manage to hold it in? Then irritability. Snapping.

Falling asleep sometimes can just be a ritual of crying and then passing out from exhaustion

If you have worked a lot to fight chronic depression and for years. The experience can feel simply annoying. Like, why the hell am I sad? Because it gets so tiresome.
Depression taxes high energy from you.

But again. Medication can be a (literal) lifesaver.

- Loss in motivation / Insomnia

Some of you are probably thinking. By Gods. So many things you have overlap in many ways.
And they do.
I don't always know how to sort them apart from the other. So this far I have only been listing the biggest problems / experiences.

That said. Loss of motivation is different than executive dysfunction.

With ED, I can still really want to do things. Feel inspired. Dream of plans.

But depression sometimes stops even that from happening.
Everything feels pointless. Meaningless.

Everything I do is not good enough. I won't get anywhere. Achieve anything.

This can lead to me sleeping for hours and hours and hours just to escape reality.
But it can also keep me awake endlessly in thought. Sometimes for days.

It all depends on how powerful my episode is and how long it lasts.
Lately it has been pretty consistent. And trying to finish this thread has become almost a job and annoyance.

But I'm finishing it anyway because my depression doesn't control me. Or at least if I can fight it, I will.