I’ve tried to walk a line in recent years of not villainizing religion, even if I’m appalled at some of the things happening in religious communities. I’ve preached for years my philosophy that religion doesn’t make people bad or good—it just amplifies who they already are.

I know people who use their religion to express and manifest the best parts of themselves. They use the institutional structures to find opportunities to serve and love and support vulnerable people. I have great respect for people like this (read: my parents).

I also know people who use their religion to justify their worst impulses and their most hateful beliefs. I honestly don’t think those people suck because of their church. They usually suck independent of it, and their church sucks for enabling it by not calling it out.

For example, I’m not impressed when a church excommunicates reputable gay couples who marry and therapists who follow practices approved in their industry but are silent on Capitol insurrectionists and church members who actively embrace racism and literal Nazism online.

I spend a lot of energy trying to keep the peace and bridge gaps, to the point that I often infuriate ex- and current Mormons simultaneously. I usually feel bad about this and lose sleep over whether my privileged self is not doing enough for more victimized people than me.

If you are reading this thread and rolling your eyes at some white gay dude trying to toe the bridge-building line, I get it. I’m truly trying to navigate all of this from a more intersectional viewpoint. I appreciate your patience with me as I learn and grow in this area.

All of that said, understanding my efforts to foster and support my friends and neighbors and family members in their positive religious involvement ends where their church shits on my family. It ends where their religion villainizes me.

My understanding ends where your church preaches that my marriage is evil. My understanding ends where your church excludes me because I’m planting a garden and filing my taxes with a man your church would be *lucky* to meet.

My understanding ends where your church excludes people who were bullied because of their gender identity or sexual orientation or race. My understanding ends where your church doesn’t excommunicate people who commit hate crimes while targeting people like me.

My understanding ends where your religion tries to actively stop me from being a parent. By the way, I’d be a pretty damn good parent. My understanding stops where your church refuses to contemplate and respect that.

So, yes. For now I’m going to continue to have a nuanced view of religion and religious people. I’m going to continue to applaud you when your religion makes you better. I’m going to come to your children’s baptisms and close my eyes in family prayers.

But if you want to keep allies like me—allies on this side of the aisle—you better damn well start speaking up about the parts of your religion that are making me, and people I care about, your enemies. You better start doing something about this.