BIRDS I SAW OVER THE LAST TWO DAYS, a vital thread —

This is Orange Julius. He is a Velvetwing Fire Warbler*. He cheats at poker and gets violent whenever he’s had sugary cereals. It’s the food coloring, surprisingly. Makes him bonkers. Stick to caterpillars, Julius, JFC.

* American Redstart

This is Shelley. She is a Mallard Duck*. Probably. I dunno. What am I, a birdologist? Whatever. Shelley is full of dreams. Also farts. Shelley can clear a room with her little borbtoots. Probably IBS if we’re being honest. No shame, Shelley. No shame.

* Warbling Vireo

This is—

oh godDAMNIT Yorick

you can fuck right off, Yorick

nobody invited you, you candy-thieving prick, you ruin everything, you’re a ruiner is what you are, A RUINER

This is Zane. They are a Crimson Revengebird. Despite the dramatic name, they’re really quite shy. As you can see here. Zane doesn’t think we can see them. Let’s not spoil them of that notion and just leave them in peace. We will quietly back away. Shh. Shhhh.

mm-hmm

This is Gargleflax Millionstreet, an interdimensional assassin hawk*. Enjoys walking away from buildings as they explode. Prefers to kill people in the rain. Greatly enjoys shortbread cookies, as a treat for murdering.

* northern mockingbird

Please to meet Corbin and Mary. They are Copper Tuppences*. They mate for life. And they mate for death, too. Even beyond the grave they will be ghost-married. Which is great for Corbin. Mary’s not too happy about it, as you can see. Can you blame her?

* Baltimore orioles

This is Gary. He’s a Loopty Hoopteat*. No, no, it’s fine. He’s just shaped like that. It’s okay. We love him anyway.

*gray catbird

This is Pip-Pip. She’s a Speckled Nutmeg Thrush*. Pip-Pip isn’t quite ready to return to normal life yet. It’s been a hard year for Pip. Her introversion has taken root and she doesn’t quite trust you all yet. She needs time. Have sympathy. Earn her trust!

* hermit thrush

This is Scribbles. They are a Monochromatic Dingleborb*. They are two parts bird, one part zebra, one part potato. They read historical fiction and enjoy being quietly judgmental.

* black and white warbler, I think

This is Xavier, an Eastern Shitstirrer*. A vengeful gossip, this one. A real tricksy manipulator. Tell him no secrets for he will share them with all the squirrels and all the moths. And if you’re truly unlucky, with the shoebird who lives in the sewers.

* magnolia warbler

From L to R, Pibo, a Sapphire Sassmouth; Phoebe, an Uncertain Beetlecatcher; Jimothy, a Regal Steelneck; and Hortense, a North Cackalacky Clarified Butterbutt. They’re in a Doom Jazz band called PICCOLO CAGE AND THE DARK OBOE ENSEMBLE.

And finally we have

oh for SHIT’s sake, YORICK

had to come in and ruin it didn’t you YORICK with your SMUG LOOK and your COOL FASHIONABLE MASK and your TREE FULL OF STOLEN SKITTLES

well I hope you’re happy, YORICK

and I know you are

because you’re a trashbeaked monster