Imagine my excitement when I woke up this morning to an email with the subject line "Why Trump Isn't On Gab," from Gab

The linked video did not disappoint

This masterpiece opens with what must surely be a deliberate parody of bad country music. I cannot overstate how bad it is

Andrew Torba, CEO of Gab and casting reject for Farmer's Only ads, informs the camera that Facebook's oversight board decided to uphold Trump's posting ban. This, Torba remarks, is unsurprising, since they're all filthy, filthy leftists

A banner in the corner of the Gab video informs the audience that 18 of 20 Facebook oversight board members have ties to George Soros

That's right, 30 seconds in and we're already to the antisemitism and strap the fuck in because things do NOT improve as we go on

Torba claims Trump's new blog contains a Facebook cookie that tracks visitors. No idea if that's true

It seems that users can keep themselves safe from Facebook cookies by, conveniently enough, visiting Gab instead, which auto-reposts everything Trump posts

Torba then pivots into majestic, pouting pettiness

You see, Trump's new blog features Twitter and Facebook share buttons, but no Gab button

Imagine founding Gab as THE far-right platform and then Daddy refuses to acknowledge your existence

You absolutely love to see it

Whose fault is it that Trump left Gab in the cold? A dastardly duo of grifters: Brad Parscale and Jared Kushner

Proof? Omnipresent donation buttons, ostensibly due to Parscale's influence

(Torba will solicit donations later in this very video)

Without ANY warning or transition, the video suddenly pivots into a clip about how wealthy Brad Parscale is

It has electronica soundtrack and a voiceover straight from pornography about Parscale's corruption, complete with women spanking themselves for some reason

And just as abruptly we're back to Torba, who somehow looks even more scrubby and sounds even worse after the barrage of softcore whatever-the-fuck we just endured

He then proceeds to whinge about Trump's rejection for 8 excruciating minutes. Here are some highlights:

Torba knows it's hard to believe Trump could be controlled by Parscale and Kushner, but he says Kushner convinced Trump to avoid Parler and Gab

Torba claims he knows this from private White House conversations but possibly he just reads the news idk https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/534069-kushner-stopped-trump-from-joining-parler-gab-after-twitter-ban

Why did Kushner want Trump to avoid Gab, clearly the finest frog-mascotted social media site in the history of frog mascots?

Apparently Kushner didn't like the antisemitism on the website for some reason

"Hate speech? I thought you were a Republican!" Torba exclaims

"Jared doesn't like some of the things that people say about Jews on Gab. Well that's too bad for Jared, he can use the block button"

Torba gets harassed on Gab too, but he--the man making a 12 minute video about how Trump won't come to his birthday party--has "thick skin"

Please don't think Torba's tantrum is about money

"They were not interested in giving the President his voice back. That's all I was interested in. I was interested in providing a place for the President to speak freely, just like any other user...I didn't want anything else

IMMEDIATELY after claiming this isn't about the money, the Gab CEO urges viewers to buy a Gab Pro membership, buy merch, and donate

Then it's right back to whining about grifters

It's so beautiful I could cry

Anyway, Torba concludes by saying that Kushner and Parscale's greed explains why the Trump campaign wasn't ready to push back against the massive election fraud that cost Trump the election, and then that's it, that's the video, it's over

A true masterpiece

(I cannot in good conscience recommend that you watch this video even though it is very, very funny, but someone is going to ask me about it so here's the link) https://tv.gab.com/channel/a/view/the-truth-about-why-trump-isnt-6092bf8eef0be1c40b7ee57e