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How to start talking to your partner about kink.

As usual, there are my opinions, yours may be different, there are no rules, and never, ever tug on Superman's cape.

This is one of the most common questions I get. There are a few variations; how do I ask my partner to be my Dom/sub / how do I tell them I'm into xyz / how do I tell them I want more / I'd like to talk about xyz but I'm shy/nervous…
One of the things we get used to in...

...the kinky community is that most people are pretty open-minded and you can talk about sex without embarrassment or fear of ridicule (anyone who makes you feel ashamed or wrong should be avoided).

When you're dealing with a partner, though, it can be different...

...particularly if you've never really talked about sex before. You may not know how they feel about stuff, and they may also be nervous about bringing it up.

So how do you break the ice? My favourite suggestion is to visit a sex shop together - - not a seedy one down some...

...dirty back alley, but one of the nice high street ones (in the UK we have Ann Summers and Harmony).

If that's a bit much, then a lingerie shop or department will also work.

Next time you're out shopping, just go "Oh hey, let's look in here!" and walk on in.

Start with the lingerie/underwear section and be all "Hmmm, which of these would suit me?" and show them options, toss in a "would you let me keep this on or rip it off?" or "maybe I'll wear this to work and send you pics during the day", and basically see what catches their eye.

If there are toys, then carry on - "oh a paddle! Would you spank me?", "cuffs! Oh these look FUN", "I've always wanted to try buttplugs, would you help me?" and so on. The key is to watch their reactions and see what grabs their interest.

Don't overdo it - you want to encourage them to open up, not scare them off with the King Dong XXL ButtBuster 3000. You don't have to buy anything, but either way you've now got an easy conversation starter for later.
"So which lingerie did you think would look good on me?" or...

..."I've always wanted to try xyz, what do you think?" are good openers.

If you're really not comfortable with this approach - it is a little bold - then the next best thing is to browse an online sex shop together (did you know I have one? http://Deviancebydax.com ).

(This has the added bonus of, if the response is favourable, easily allowing you to slip into sexy sexy fun time)
One last option is to simply send them a link to one or two things you've found and wait for them to respond. This is great if you're shy or nervous!

If things work out, then you can go from there - once you're both a little more comfortable, try each filling in a kink list and see if there's any common interests. If they aren't interested, well that's where I come in

One last but important note: do be mindful of consent. If they clearly aren't comfortable with something, don't force them, but do try to find out what it is they are and aren't comfortable with - that's just good relationship practice.

So to sum up:
- Visit a sex shop or website and gauge their reaction
- Make a fun game of it
- Encourage them to open up
- But don't push it

Feel free to add your own tips!

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