Through the ages, many ships have risen out of the depths of internet hell and into public infamy. One might remember Phan, Larry, Klance, Stony, blah fucking blah. But above all else, one name has made its way into music lovers’ TLs and AO3 users’ errorpages:
Dream. Not. Found.

I, lowly Twitter user TheDnfShift, have made it my mission to singlehandedly stop the trainwreck that is DreamNotFound — to stop it from barrelling into the guileless, innocent victims, mired like helpless little flies in the sugary syrup of their deception. I get it, I do! DNF

is exciting, it’s funky, it’s fresh — something refreshing, a respite from the barrage of shittiness, day after motherfucking day. I /get/ it.

And who can blame all of you, simply fallen victim to the blatant lies put forth by them? This was what you were meant to be, this was your fate: cash cows milked mercilessly for internet royalty GeorgeNotFound and his most faithful servant, DreamWasTaken.

Many… distasteful … individuals have previously taken on this burden, the same burden I have. You may be familiar with their names, perhaps, though out of said distaste I will refrain from mentioning them. Regardless of their identity, they’ve shared this goal with me,

and yet, /and yet/, they’ve consistently failed in their task.

They’ve made one fatal mistake and that is their hesitation to get within the mind of the fan themselves — their reluctance and refusal to /become/ a DNFer, uncomplainingly and wholeheartedly.

Their unwillingness to immerse themselves into the vermin-infested hellhole that is DNFtwt and DNFtok and DNFblr, the holy motherfucking trinity of internet shitfires.... that unwillingness? It's been their downfall, every goddamn time.

And this, my friends? This is where I come in. You see, I was like the rest of you, once: naive, gullible, trusting. Had I stayed with all of you any longer, I would have probably become a Tiktok DNFer: incessant references to Heatwaves and FF1970 and all. I know what you are.

Which is why every day I thank God I escaped.

I know what you’re thinking: come ON, TheDnfShift, it can’t be that bad! They’re only messing around between friends, you can’t genuinely be serious about this! So, I must make this completely clear: I have no malicious intent, here.

I have nothing against the creators themselves, as you will soon see. In fact, it’s quite the opposite, in many ways: I admire George and Dream for their commitment to this hellfire of a ship. I simply find it ridiculous that all of you have fallen for this ruse.

Look. They were all /so/ obvious. So pander-y, if you will allow me to steal a word from the Feral Boys’ Jackbox dictionary. Like, really? You want me to believe that these white Minecraft streamers want to be each others’ Valentines?

That they’re congregating under fanart of them kissing and making stan jokes because they’re closeted homosexuals? You want me to believe that these men are making cocksucking jokes on Mad Verse City because they’re /gay/?

No. Seriously, you expect me to believe that GEORGE, a supernatural deity worthy of the Apple of Discord was reincarnated on this mortal plane to make DreamNotFound endgame?

You’re telling me that that impeccable specimen of humanity fell for /Dream/, a quintessential Florida man who has openly confessed to wearing Gators sweatpants on stream??

You want me to believe that explicitly heterosexual GeorgeNotFound has fallen for our dearest “ambiguous” millionaire?
Cute.
Naive, but cute.

And then. And /then/. I came upon some very key screenshots. That triggered a … realization, of some sort. If you will. Made me reconsider my previous stance.

NUMBER ONE! Straight men do not respond to being called “princess” so unflinchingly. And, GNF — care to explain the Reddit purge you carried out the very next day…? Really does make one think. Anyways. NEXT.

NUMBER TWO! That whole girlfriend bit near the end of the manhunt stream? There is no heterosexual explanation for that shit. NONE! ZIP! ZILCH! ZERO!! I will not be elaborating.

Number three. George has been wearing that goddamn smile hoodie for a week straight. I am so tired. You do not understand how tired I am. Presumably, he only takes it off to shower (... if that? I don’t know. Go ask the man himself.)

Anyways. That shit is not /platonic/! That’s never been platonic! Who sacrifices hygiene for their “best friend?” Do you see George doing that for Sapnap? Can you even /imagine/ him doing that for Sapnap, in any goddamn universe???

No?
That’s what I goddamn thought.

At this point, you might be thinking: “Hmm, User TheDnfShift, this seems to be targeting George a whole lot! Do you have something to say about Dream, perhaps? And so, here is number 4, in all it’s disgusting, repulsive glory.

“You’re such an idiot,” he says, transparent to everyone but George himself, “he’s so incompetent,” he tells a stream of 200K and a VC of zero, looping a clip where George makes a stupid noise and cackling to no one but himself.

“George has ‘pretty privilege,’” he says to his stream audience, disgustingly honeyed affection slicking up his voice, and ... you still have the goddamn AUDACITY to ask spoonfed proof for how fucking whipped this man is for George?

You need me to cut the crusts off your sandwich, next, darling? Need me to “here comes the aeroplane” the baby food into your mouth?

Jesus fucking Christ.

Listening to Dream talk about George on stream with no one to censor him or temper his train of thought is like watching a gruesome murder take place five feet away from you, except your hands are tied and your mouth is gagged and you can’t say a goddamn WORD in opposition.

That man would bend over backward and let himself be used as a doormat as soon as GNF /breathed/ in his direction and it repulses me to my very core.

Not that I can blame him. Ahem. Anyways.

Number Fucking Five. Perhaps the most significant on this list.

The Infamous December 2nd Shift.

“Oh, dearest User TheDnfShift,” you may ask, “what in the /world/ is the December 2nd shift?” Well, if you’ll take a look at the screenshots I’ve attached here, then you’ll see that Quackity returned MORE than a week later to respond to George’s tweet.

It doesn’t even stop there! Not 3 DAYS PRIOR, Dream tweeted about there being “many LGBTQ+ members” on the DreamSMP. Now that, in and of itself, is obviously an innocuous statement — one made to shut antis up, perhaps, but a respectable tweet. One that stands true under scrutiny.

It’s only when you take George’s response to Quackity 24 hours before that you begin to take pause: what changed in that week?

And, perhaps, more importantly, how much does our beloved Quackity know about it? How much do /all/ of their friends know about this? Care to explain this like, Antfrost? What about Sapnap — you’ve been rooming with Dream, surely you must know something. Our dearest GamerBoyKarl?

Any of you?
Or will you stay silent in the face of challenge, once more?

The May Shift is real — and if not May? Well.

June is pride month for a reason.

I rest my case.
/parasocial

THIS IS SATIRE. THIS IS GODDAMN SATIRE.