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Pretending that someone, who considered you his best friend for 5 years, no longer exists and giving them the silent treatment without talking to them about what you want, why you're doing it, or what can fix the problem, or if you don't want to talk to them ever or forgive,
is cruel when you know the person has abandonment issues, autism, anxiety, social difficulty; and doing so causes further problems especially if your problem was not having enough space, because then he'll really want to know why you aren't talking to him, if you're hurt, etc
because he cares about you as his best friend and loves you as a fellow child of God and loves you for who you are and wants to make sure that 1) you're okay 2) why are you ignoring me, do you hate me, just want space/time, want me to be healthy and emotionally independent, or???
And sure, from your perspective, maybe it's not getting the space and time you want or he won't move on and you have because you hate him or don't want anything to do with him or whatever, or want to see that he's healthy without you before you come back into his life or talk
BUT, from his perspective, he may have hurt you (ignored since an emotional breakdown during which he lashed out) and wants to know you're okay. He doesn't know what you want or what's going on because he wasn't explicitly told; you're ignoring him and his apologies and questions
and if he doesn't know what you want and can only make guesses, (some of which he doesn't want to make because he believes that would be degrading of your character, such as you hate him, are done with him, won't forgive him his mistakes) he can't give you what you want.
and when he continues to not give you what you want, then you get MORE upset at him or MORE concerned that he's obsessed with you or won't move on from loving you or etc.
Really, he just wants to talk so he knows wtf is going on, what you want, if you're ok, if you and he are ok
Really, he just wants to talk so he knows wtf is going on, what you want, if you're ok, if you and he are ok
but it continues because neither side handles it well, and cause further issues for the other causing the rift to widen or the time to heal to increase or the time taken for you to feel like he's not some obsessed freak or creep or etc.
You were his friend for 5 years. Talk
You were his friend for 5 years. Talk
Sure, he wasn't your best friend, but he tried to be. He considered you his best friend, and he had a host of mental and emotional issues back when y'all last talked, but he wants to be a good friend and has worked on that. He's doing it for himself to be happy, and for you, too.
And he's trying to not be "selfish" by reaching out to you, but at the same time you've been selfish by not even telling him anything like if you still want to be friends or if one series of mistakes after 5 years of friendship is enough to ruin it, or if you just want space, etc
He knows reaching out to you is a little bit selfish because he wants to know what's going on but it cramps your space and time, and talking about what happened and will happen is not what you want to do at the moment. For a year. Because he kept reaching out trying to make up.
Which, if you wanted time and space, or just never wanted to remember he exists, causes you problems and further frustration with him.
But remember, he's autistic, has anxiety disorders, and abandonment issues. So it's really hard for him to cope with how you went about things.
But remember, he's autistic, has anxiety disorders, and abandonment issues. So it's really hard for him to cope with how you went about things.
Much less understand what you want & give it to you. Because what you did is exactly what he would do if he was about to kill himself or was very hurt, so he was very worried and guilt-ridden and didn't know what you wanted but wanted to make things right and know you were ok.
So yes, neither he nor you has done a good job of seeing things from the other person's perspective or understanding how they feel about things. He's autistic and anxious and stuff and, while trying not to use those as excuses, they're very applicable.
But he's not using those disorders and problems as excuses for bad behavior like spamming messages or TMI'ing you or being a bad friend anymore.
They do make life very hard for him though, because he won't just abandon someone he cares about because of some silence & ghosting.
They do make life very hard for him though, because he won't just abandon someone he cares about because of some silence & ghosting.
He tries really hard to not spam apologies or long messages or reach out to you to figure out what's going on or make things right, but he fails sometimes because he's only human, and he doesn't know what you want, or what's going on, or what the future will be, or how you are.
He also doesn't even know if you were hurt by his breakdown or what he said during it, or if it just made you uncomfortable such that you want space, or if it made you want nothing to do with him, or illustrated why his idea for a cutoff was necessary bc of why he broke down, etc
@Ashlyn1076 I'm sorry to reach out to you again but PLEASE read this thread and understand where he's coming from or try to. He doesn't know what you want(space&time? excommunication?), if you are friends still (he hopes), or if you hate him and/or were hurt.
He cares about you
He cares about you
He tries to not doubt you and what you want, but he also doesn't want to make the wrong assumption. And his anxiety disorders love pointing out every doubt he can feel, even while he has faith in you, your intentions, your friendship, and your character and in God.
and he's sorry he has doubts and anxieties and can't handle what's going on without being explicitly told, and he's sorry that he made mistakes, mistreated you and was emotionally reliant upon you for a while- he's past it, but knows that was a bad idea and unhealthy for you both
