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learning a lot about frustration tolerance from watching the baby
she has a cycle when she's trying something hard:
Excitement/engagement/curiosity -> exploratory actions -> specific goal formation (I think; she can't tell me what she's trying to do yet!) -> sustained effort for a minute or two, lots of grunting
Excitement/engagement/curiosity -> exploratory actions -> specific goal formation (I think; she can't tell me what she's trying to do yet!) -> sustained effort for a minute or two, lots of grunting
At that point it goes one of a few ways:
1. Success! At which point she either just vibes, seeks engagement from one of us, or is tired and wants food/soothing
2. A kind of "contraction" of her focus where the frustration starts to become more salient than the effort. She'll start making louder noises, scrunching her face, until she gets to the verge of crying.
2a. Sometimes the emotional expression is enough/restorative! And she relaxes into the curiosity or low level effort stage again
3. Loses interest, or decides to take a break from the thing, without reaching the point of distress
The amount of time she can tolerate being in the "effort" stage without severe distress is increasing, and seems correlated with things like:
-How much stimulation there is in the environment
-Emotional support; sometimes just having one of us looking at her and engaging her
-How much stimulation there is in the environment
-Emotional support; sometimes just having one of us looking at her and engaging her
-how hungry or tired she is
It's cool watching frustration go from this life-ending emergency, to an emotional state that she knows how to handle
And the noises and shrieking actually seem to help sometimes
And the noises and shrieking actually seem to help sometimes
oops forgot 2b above:
2b. Sometimes it escalates until she's kind of distressed/indignant/angry, at which point she makes a strong bid for soothing. Usually at this point she needs a much longer break before trying again
2b. Sometimes it escalates until she's kind of distressed/indignant/angry, at which point she makes a strong bid for soothing. Usually at this point she needs a much longer break before trying again
If I were to compile a list of "advice" from her process, about how to deal with frustration and expand frustration tolerance, it might be:
-be well-rested, not too hungry, not too over stimulated
-be well-rested, not too hungry, not too over stimulated
-Have supportive people around who will give you little reassurance and encouragement signals, or just be pleasant around you while you try stuff. Social feedback and approval for doing hard stuff seems really integral to this process!
-Make any noise/movements/facial expressions that feels correct to make, even sometimes angry or "what the fuck!!!"
-Take breaks, even long ones. Get excited or pleased by success, spend some time enjoying the newfound skill before moving on to the next difficult thing sometimes
-Recognize when your system starts to panic, and either self-soothe or seek support. Take time to recover before trying again if it seems good
Something I'm starting to believe is that it's really insanely hard to do difficult things in an exploratory way if you're running low on any of the critical nutrients: social support, food, rest, etc
Oh, she also doesn't require *fawning* for effective emotional support. Just cues that signal that I'm watching, I'm around, I'm here if it's too much. I don't need to swoop in constantly.
( @egregirls)
( @egregirls)
it's more that she just needs to know that nothing is *amiss* in the social environment
she's a baby so she requires explicit reassurance of this fact, but I suspect that as she gets older she will need less of that
she's a baby so she requires explicit reassurance of this fact, but I suspect that as she gets older she will need less of that
I suspect that a key to feeling socially secure is having enough early-life reassurance that the social environment is stable and generally attuned enough to you to give you the things you need, most of the time, mostly at the right time
and that your "emergency!" bids for help will be met
fawning and swooping in *too* much seem bad because it could prevent the baby from getting familiar with the sensation of agency and competence
"things are this way/I had this outcome because of my own actions"
"things are this way/I had this outcome because of my own actions"
and inconsistent fawning or hot and cold fluctuations of emotional support might cultivate helplessness, just because you never *know* whether some outcome is your doing or not
helicopter parent -> totally atrophied sense of agency
wildly inconsistently supportive parent -> extremely confused sense of agency
wildly inconsistently supportive parent -> extremely confused sense of agency
hmm, a thought
one major downside of the nuclear family's alienation from other potential caregivers is that the required "attunement load" from the parents becomes extremely high
one major downside of the nuclear family's alienation from other potential caregivers is that the required "attunement load" from the parents becomes extremely high
