I've been going through a work transition for a summer job I've had since I was 16. And it has been rougher than I sometimes want to admit. I'm losing a part of my identity -- but I also know this change is necessary.

-- A Twitter essay on why I won't do something stupid 1/

I became a lifeguard at 15, and stood my first watch at 16. I officially retired this past Dec 31 with 40 years of experience.

Most of my LG'ing has been at a summer camp in northern MN. In 2003, I became the lead guard for our group of camps -- instructing and supervising. 2/

I became a LG instructor (LGI) in '99, and in my years of instructing, I certified close to 1000 people.

Not to mention all the people I taught CPR and 1st Aid. 3/

The past few years, though, have been rough on me. It's getting hard to stand on the hard deck for extended periods. I have some permanent injuries to my shoulders and neck from over-eager candidates. And well, I'm kinda chunky.

4/

Since I need to be a LG to be a LGI, I effectively retired from both roles.

This is where it gets tough with my camp job. A major part of my job is training the guards. And because I no longer have a clear position with the camps, I don't know what I'll be doing with them. 5/

I've been with the camps for over 30 years. And suddenly, I've lost a lot of my camp identity.

This is hard.

So, in my subtle allusion to this in a post to one of my Marine brothers this morning, he said "don't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem." 6/

This is why I love my veteran family. We look out for each other. But, I assured him that isn't an option I'll be picking.

Ever.

Because I know what gun oil tastes like, and it's not one of my preferred flavor profiles. 7/

I was bullied in high school -- and becoming a LG -- & a Marine -- is partially because my bullies said "yeah, you can't do that."

In the summer between my Jr & Sr years, though, the bullying pushed me into a deep depression, and I made myself believe there was one escape. 8/

One afternoon, I was home alone, and I took Dad's shotgun out to my favorite spot in the backyard. I only brought one shell with me. Said my prayers, loaded and locked, took a deep breath and placed the muzzle in my mouth.

9/

Have you ever heard summer rain coming through a corn field? It sounds like a stampede of elephants.

Do you know how fucking eerie it is when there isn't a breeze or cloud in the sky and it's suddenly raining?

Do you believe in miracles?

I do. 10/

That sudden down spurt freaked me out! I spun, leveled the gun at the corn field & shot the only round I brought with me. Then, as I was getting soaked, I realized -- it's DAD'S gun! If I let it get rusty, he'll kick my ass!

(That's what we call the logical thinking, right?) 11/

I ran for the house, got the cleaning kit out, and as I was wiping it down (and spitting the taste of gun oil out of my mouth), I realized how close I was to being a stupid fucking idiot.

I also vowed right then and there I'd never allow myself to go to that point again. 12/

So, yeah, I'm going through a shitty ass time right now. But, I know that with time and patience, it'll work out and I'll find a new role at camp.

Or I won't. C'est la vie.

Yeah...that still feels fake, but I'll get there.

/end