There’s a thread on people mistaking Asians for each other and using the wrong names and every few replies there’s a white person (“I’m white, but…”) who insists they’re doing it innocently, whatever that means to them. Just bad with names, y’know!

I’m so faceblind I couldn’t pick my parents out of a lineup. My brain literally doesn’t process faces normally. I did a bunch of tests with a neuro postdoc to find out how bad it was. -2.5-3 sd bad was his estimate. I’m pretty sure that’s about as “unintentional” as you can get.

And you know what? IT DOESN’T MATTER.

It is still rude as fuck to not recognize people, and worse to assign the wrong names.

I don’t generally have trouble with it, bc I know it’s bad so I don’t make assumptions I know my facial recognition subsystem can’t support.

Even before I was diagnosed, I avoided assigning names I wasn’t sure of. Forgetting is WAY less rude than using the wrong name.

Now that I know why it’s so hard, I explain with, “I’m being rude, but not deliberately rude!” and people are pretty understanding.

Assigning a name to someone requires a high degree of assurance. I require multifactor authn for this! (Voice, stance, gait, hair, clothes, context — whatever’s available.)

It’s embarrassing to forget a name. I’m embarrassed a lot. Not fun but better than hurting people!

And that’s what I can’t get over with all these “but I do it to everyone! I’m not being racist!”

The problem is _assigning the wrong name,_ not so much forgetting the right one. I guarantee that is unevenly distributed.

Because I know just how badly white people react to that.

(If you’re faceblind I recommend against having a malignant narcissist as a parent. Just sayin.)

No honest person is unaware that assigning the wrong name is painful, or that it’s even more painful to people who experience it regularly.

If you know you’re bad with names, you should be taking steps to mitigate the harm.

Not going around pretending helpless bafflement that oops you’ve done it again! For the five zillionth time!

I’ve generally just not had a problem with this, despite my facial recognition being literally orders of magnitude worse than average, and even before I knew I actually had a good excuse! Because if I don’t know, by means I am sure actually work, I don’t say a name. Period.

When I was young this could be really embarrassing and mildly rude. So be it. Guessing didn’t work well and guessing _hurt people_ so I _stopped guessing._

I handle it more gracefully now.

But honestly people get being bad with names for whatever reason. It’s awkward but fine.

Just take the L & say you have trouble with names. If you have a history of mistaking people’s names, acknowledge that your brain is lying to you & demand more assurance before you believe it.

Not everyone can fix recognition problems. Everyone can stop being a jerk about them.