Men & miscarriages. Something I’ve been wanting to say for a while, and just didn’t have the words. 4 years ago we had a son, Nova. The 4 years before that were spent trying to have a child. We experienced 3 miscarriages, each one tougher than the last...

... After the first, the doctor tries to help you deal with it by mentioning how “normal” it is, and that it doesn’t mean anything is wrong or that it somehow was our fault. When we’re going through this... my attention is on my wife. I don’t know and will never know...

...what it is to have another life growing in me, that connection and how losing that direct connection can affect me. Me and family surrounded my wife to support and uplift her... before trying again, and going through this another 2 more times...

...saying it was tough is an understatement. My wife went through some dark times, and at times I felt powerless on how to serve her best. Then one day, we got pregnant again. This was without all the medication and strategy from a doctor. It just happened...

...and this time Nova was born. We were so happy. But there was something about all of this that was never dealt with. My feelings, my own emotions surrounding those losses. Then I had a guilt about even having those emotions, because it felt like I was just supposed to focus...

...on my wife and her emotions, and simply discard man because “I can take it.” That’s what it felt like the world was telling me I was supposed to do... but I too felt like I’d lost someone. I too wondered who that person was, what would he/she have looked like...

...Once you hear that heartbeat... everything changes. It’s no longer sperm and an egg. The baby was just as real to me as a person standing next to me... and you begin to imagine thing about the person. Names, events, clothes. I didn’t feel the baby inside of me... no....

...but it was real to me. And no I’ll never know the depth of going through that after having someone growing inside me, but what I went through was still hard. And I just recently said it out loud for the first time... and it made me cry. Deeply.

...It is my job to protect and support my wife. I take that job very seriously. But I have to find the balance there of doing that and still acknowledging my own emotions and issues. Sometimes it feels like protecting means being a rock for someone, or smiling when its hard...

I don’t know. I don’t have a refined final thought or moral of this story. I just know that if I feel like this, I’m sure there’s others who have felt the same, unsure of how to handle it and still be the man you need to be.