Man last night instead of sleeping I laid in bed and had sad thoughts about Xiyao because what am I supposed to do sleep?

A thread...

Imagine that their whole life they were /just/ friends ok like really close and basically gay friends that just didn't know they crushed on each other ok.
So imagine after Xichen seeing Wangxian open and yearning, then experiencing killing his best friend and learning of his...

relationship with Qin Su, that it clicks that after all these years he's gay and was in love with his best friend he killed. So in reclusion, he just overthinks about all the things they could have done as a couple or how he could have changed A-yao...

Other days he overthinks that there is no way A-yao loved him like that and wouldn't if Xichen made a move, A-yao didn't seem to grossed out with Wangxian, but that was probably because he didn't want to hurt Xichens feelings right? But he did take a wife even if it was...

his sister, there's no way he'd like a man then. Xichen is in inner turmoil over this and just wishes his brothers back, he has a million questions, but the one thing he wants the most is to hug A-yao again and tell him everything's alright, but alas /he/ killed him.

There's no going back despite how many times going to his brother's tomb and /opening it/ has crossed his mind. Most of the martial world has sort of forgot about Wei Wuxian could they do the same for A-yao? No, he knows with NHS as chief cultivator, theirs no way

At nights he stares at the dark corners of his room and imagines his brothers fighting in the dark mindless and cold for the next hundred years... it's all his fault for trying to get them closer back then. Seeing Wangji happy breaks his heart in a good way

he's grateful him and Wei Ying get along so well and are in love so much but parts of him wishes that it was him and A-Yao hiding away in Gusu till they die loving each other or at least he'd settle for protecting A-Yao if he didn't love him back.

Even if he could bring A-Yao and Mingjue back to somewhat sentient fierce corpses it would be cruel to love them, A-Yao would live on forever and Xichen will die, it wouldn't be right to show him love and let him be alone for all eternity, like how Xichen feels right now

Xichen much to his own sadness has come to accept that this is how it was meant to be... he didn't guide A-Yao on the right path back then and now he has to suffer away from the alone he loves heartbroken and cold.