one like = one take about whatever i feel like having a take about

if you are the person who throws all your trash out of your car in random parking lots i do not respect you

if you are a person who throws their trash out of the window on the interstate not only do I not respect you I will fight you in the bear pits

every Western marian apparition after Guadalupe is at least a teeeeensy bit sketch

gather us in slaps, actually. you’re just a weenie

not every parish community is suited to chant

women religious (and even male religious) are not valued the same way as priests. never have been

stop incardinating priests in random faraway dioceses so that they’re not your problem anymore while they scandalize the faithful. cowards

if you have a good sharpener and eraser a proper wooden pencil is the best writing implement

As much as I love Texas everybody knows that Texas is actually just five distinct territories that have very little in common, wearing a trenchcoat, united mostly under the banner of whataburger and remembering the Alamo and hey-why-does-this-flag-look-like-the-Chilean-flag

one of my favorite things pope francis ever did was abolishing most of the ranks of the monsignori. get rekt, monsignori. 85% of all the monsignori I’ve met in my day have been awful

the ward system of Houston makes no sense. why do we still utilize it in more than a historic sense. it made sense at its inception maybe but there are now 2.31 million people here

the diehard aggies vs longhorns thing is stupid. guarantee if u didn’t go to either of those schools they don’t care about u at all lmao

as much as i love my sweet boy we gotta stop breeding bulldogs and pugs and other brachycephalic dogs until we fix their fucked up little skulls

sometimes the worst priests wear the prettiest vestments, and vice versa

diocesan priests should take vows of poverty and actually mean them. no i will not elaborate

society should be run half and half by the people who organize the kerrville folk festival and the old ladies who dress the altar. no i will not elaborate on this either

men do not weirdly touch a woman you don’t know, especially if you don’t know her, especially if you’re a priest. guess what I’m gonna do now? not elaborate

that old hate comic of the Church as a giant octopus actually slaps and I think we should integrate it more into our branding

I could phrase this my own way but why when shannon said it so perfectly https://twitter.com/shannon_last/status/1388597885734989825

going off that, for the love of god stop immediately defending accused clergy. it is so embarrassing for everyone involved, especially when they’re proven guilty. if they’re exonerated THEN you can celebrate. not before. don’t test God, etc.

parishes pay your employees what they’re worth. you don’t have to go bankrupt, but pay people for the job you need them to do. a full time position less than $30,000 damn near anywhere in the nation is poverty wages.

i have uhhhh mixed feelings about multiple consecrations. how you gonna be formally consecrated to Mary and Joseph and our lady of Fatima and the Sacred Heart and also, like, St Philomena or something. There is only so much of you to go around

for the love of God stop throwing your random unchurched friends to lector at your wedding. if they’re not gonna practice don’t let them read. it is so simple to not be terrible and YET

Ive said this before but respecting Mary (glorious ever-Virgin Queen of Earth and Heaven) does not mean you respect actual human women. it will never mean this.

I am absolutely begging seminaries to teach their students basic life skills. most priests live alone, most parishes can’t afford housekeepers. no ones asking you to fix the embroidery on the humeral veil but if you can’t sew a button yeah I might be judging you

stop!! making!! priests!! famous!! it never ends well!! it has never ended well!!!!

I’m not exactly a commie per se but i don’t know how you can read the gospel and go, ah yes, capitalism. we have emulated the words of christ perfectly

i will never not be mad about the fact that subway/metro systems are confined to very specific giant cities in the northeast. I fucking love trains. why didn’t we build more trains.

every city should cut its police budget. i have yet to see a police budget that isn’t patently ridiculous

at some point in biblical history we went from “other gods are very real but we do not fuck with them” to “our god is the only god that exists at all” and honestly i kind of lean more towards the former

in a similar vein, re:witchcraft and demons and occult stuff, i am far more “mostly somewhat real and you should not mess with it” than “it’s all fake”

if demons are real though I really doubt they give a fuck about Harry Potter or yoga or gender neutral bathrooms

spiritually i am neither a lily nor a rose nor a trusting child i am the horrible goose from the horrible goose game

any anonymous tradwife account with a pic of a saint or some girl in a meadow has at least a 50% chance of being a dude cosplaying. sorry

i promise you you don’t have to clap after Mass. The musicians know what kind of job they did. you can compliment us in person later if you want. but the clapping gets weird

I’ve complained a lot about priests but also like. Be normal with priests. they’re not your kids. don’t like. mess with their hair or whatever. they will be uncomfortable like any normal person.

sometimes priests will be attractive. sometimes nuns will be pretty. this is an unfortunate fact of Catholic life.

do not!!! under any circumstances!!!! mention it!!!! to them!!!!! the priests will panic and short-circuit and the nuns will mostly be embarrassed

you may be looking above and going, Juana, surely not? surely no one has said (ex) Fr What-A-Shame to his face?
look at me. i have been catholic from birth. i have worked retreats for 15 yrs. do not doubt me. people have done this, out loud, in front of me and my proverbial salad

ok it’s time for mass, more takes later bye

I’m back and I’m better (worse) let’s do more takes

i don’t trust you if you don’t have more than five seasonings in your house. no salt and pepper do NOT COUNT they are the BASELINE. that’s like saying “our parish has a tabernacle” OF COURSE IT DOES THAT IS LITERALLY REQUIRED

morning people should not, under any circumstances, be trusted

do you actually like the taste of coffee?? or do you like the effect it has on your body. because it has no effect on my body and the taste is Not Good

stop assuming I’m discerning just because I was raised by nuns and talk to them. stop assuming I’m looking for a husband because I’m young and unmarried. stop assuming I’m a collar chaser because I’m young and unmarried and work at the parish. i hate you

you should never assume anyone will do you a service for free, even if they like it or are good at it. pay your musicians, your artists, your stylists. exposure does not pay the bills. the joy of serving Mother Church does not pay the bills either.

if you can’t afford to tip your waitress/nail artist/hairstylist, you can’t afford to eat out/get your nails done/get ur hair done. sorry but the USA is built like this, it sucks but it’s life

please, please review your budget and do your research before adopting or buying a pet. i literally cannot stress this enough. my tíos bought Bentley because he was fancy and cute, and he has damn near every health issue a dog can have

block whoever you want without explanation or apology. this is the internet. imagine if someone came up to you in real life and was like I DEMAND YOU TALK TO ME, DO NOT DEPRIVE ME OF YOUR INTERACTIONS you’d be like bitch I have pepper spray

speaking of, dont mock women for feeling unsafe. don’t mock women for feeling harassed. women who hate men make jokes about it. men who hate women kill them.

change your sheets at least twice a month, and your pillowcase at least thrice. do not @ me on this. i do not negotiate

you don’t have to be married to buy yourself a kitchenaid mixer. in fact for this Christmas i am going to buy myself a kitchenaid mixer. buy nice things you want now, don’t save them for some tenuous future that may never come.

however, please have some form of budget. I’ve had friends with three jobs not be able to pay their rent bc they just never save any sort of money ever. things will go wrong. everything always goes wrong. please be somewhat prepared for it

i literally do not care in what state anyone else receives the Eucharist. if someone unworthily receives the Eucharist, that sounds like the very definition of a them problem. I’m not the jesus cops.

however, if i see you selling the Eucharist on eBay, I will physically fight you

Black Masses are so cringe lmao we don’t have any real historical records of their actual rite so you’re just making shit up as you go along???? okay then

don’t judge people for dry scalp. a lot of conditions that look like dandruff aren’t. i have hereditary psoriasis on my scalp and it’s super annoying and embarrassing bc I have long dark hair. if they smell fine, it’s likely not a hygiene thing.

what the fuck are NFTs. what the fuck is cryptocurrency. i don’t care and i hate you

also regarding the tweet two above: don’t go around deliberately smelling people. you creep. you absolute weirdo

don’t tell me you think I’d look better without all that makeup. first of all, I promise you that’s empirically false. second of all, i like the makeup, that’s why i wear it. third of all, I do not care

“why is there glitter on your eyes” because God gave me this eyelid space and I’m gonna use it, any more stupid questions?

“Are you lying to me right now” first of all, why would i ever admit to that. Second of all, it’s certainly possible. trust no one

i genuinely don’t understand how you travel as a picky eater. like, there’s a whole world of weird-ass delicious cuisine out there just waiting for you to eat it?? do you think you’ll ever be in France again?? eat the snails you coward. you nerd

what do you care if other people decorate their bodies. pierce your eyebrow, dye your hair green, get as many tattoos as you can afford. i do not care but i will be asking you for your tattoo artist’s info

stop carpeting entire houses/condos/apartments. no more carpet throughout. society has bypassed the need for carpet throughout. and if you carpet a bathroom you are going to J A I L

POINT MADE: if you are doing something drastic to your hair involving bleach, PLEASE consult a professional. you only have to scroll through tiktok to see how badly things can go for you https://twitter.com/beggarsson/status/1388676464590180352

have you made it this far through the thread? stop and chill with Bentley for a while.

yes i sing for a living. yes i hate the sound of my own voice. we exist

i sing hymns at home and wildly inappropriate songs in my office. i will be cooking pasta and chanting the Miseremini Mei and the next day cleaning the loft singing Bo Burnham’s “Kill Yourself”. it’s called balance sweaty

oh the overwhelming never-ending ever expanding list of nicknames you people give my dooooooggggggg https://twitter.com/tweetmobb/status/1388678332770750464

Texas sunsets. That is all

u gotta clean out your fridge. u gotta do it. u gotta have a weird dinner where u eat all the bits of ur leftovers, and then u gotta start fresh

if you don’t know somebody well PLEASE don’t correct their English if it’s a second language. you have no idea how hard they worked to learn it.

in this vein, my personal policy is to never leave the country without knowing the bare bones basics of the language of the place to where I am headed. Thanks, hi, excuse me, how much is this, I am an American and I am lost, etc. Don’t expect the world to speak English.

i finally bought a proper teakettle that whistles when the water’s boiling and it makes me so happy. would absolutely recommend if u drink tea

this is the truest thing mine eyes have read on the Bird App https://twitter.com/frz2003/status/1388681691275927554

smoking is gross and it killed a large swath of my family. it’s expensive and it smells bad and you can’t even do it in public most places. there are no upsides

everyone needs a full length mirror in their home. if you do not have a full length mirror, i am terrified of your confidence.

it’s always better to be slightly overdressed than underdressed

you can have a bunch of degrees and not have the sense the good Lord gave a chicken. don’t get uppity.

boiled eggs belong in potato salad. raisins, apples, and other sweet things do not belong in potato salad. stop that

there are like three applications in which Miracle Whip is acceptable. outside of these it should never be used

if you actually only put one clove of garlic into the recipe when it calls for one clove of garlic, you frighten me

if u disrespect my Sisters it’s ON SIGHT i don’t care, i will throw down in this midwestern airport terminal DO NOT TEST ME

My priests. My good Fathers.
I promise you. I SWEAR to you.
no one wants to hear about how much sex you had or didn’t have or couldn’t stop yourself from having in your wild youth or whatever. Please stop homilizing about this. I am begging you.

and with that tweet that i truly wish was not necessary, we’re done for now! enjoy my correct opinions and takes. i may do more tomorrow but i gotta walk fathead.

i asked fathead for a take and he said that you should feed your dog chicken and cheese for every meal.

do not do this.