Finally sitting down to watch: it's Mortal Kombat time. (Feel free to mute if you're avoiding spoilers / uninterested / hate fun etc)

Opening shot of film: kind, maternal woman tending the garden.
Me: ...fuck she's dying in like 3 minutes isn't she

Some writers rooms: It's 2021, do we really want to be fridging female characters to propel our male leads into the action/conflict of the rest of our story?
Mortal Kombat: *literally freezes the first lady we see*

Here for this fight choreo, and the CG painted blood splatters is a fun nod to the game's over the top—

*Hanzo throws sword that SPINS and kills a guy*

lol

Dagger and rope, I'm seeing the foreshadowing here

"Chinese chinese, AMERICAN PRONUNCIATION OF Hasashi Hanzo"

Ah, I see, we're having the actor whisper his Mandarin bc we didn't give him the time with a dialect coach to make it not sound Very White

Punch to the crotch, still goin' strong, this guy is unstoppable

I'm sad we didn't get to see this in theaters and listen to a crowd viscerally react to all these fights :(

WAIT DID HE JUST STRAIGHT UP SPEAK ENGLISH HERE LOL WHAT

Man freezes wife and child, but stabs his main target in the shoulder and calls it good? Like... bro, your understanding of anatomy is wack

One of my favorite things about film or theater is actors acting their fucking hearts out no matter how ridiculous the script or premise and watching this man painfully craw towards the sound of a baby crying is good shit

Magic fire say what

Magic rain say WHAT

I don't remember my MK lore well enough but hello lightning man I remember you

VFX on eyes: B-. I feel like you go all white or nothing, this halfway business is not my cuppa

EARTHREALM

OUTWORLD

Oh these naaaames

Oh this text expositionnnnnn

"throw your uppercut"

that has to be a reference

Gotta show your protag getting beat down before he levels up

Yo Outworld sucks like no way that throne is comfortable what does he do when he isn't dramatically dressing down underlings

...Bi-Han explaining to us he is not Bi-Han but is now Sub Zero is some big "exec note on worrying people don't know who these people are so we gotta explain for people who don't know" vibes

Wait, so, Outworld can't invade unless they win the tournament... but they CAN invade and kill off fighters of the tournament? These realm rules are hazy it's almost like they're completely engineered to explain a fighting game

Lil sis makin' friendship bracelets, we stan

Another uppercut reference, yeah, we definitely setting this up for later

Okay so the woman from earlier walked up, kid I assumed was Cole's sister says "hi mom", so in my head she's Cole's mom too, that's unexpected but ok, THEN THEY KISS and my brain freaks out before realizing wait Emily is his daughter okay but like yikes what an emotional journey

French fries and ice cream, dinner of champions

Snow in July, weather of champions

Okay I know that snow / hail was supposed to be scary bc it clocked that one pedestrian but they weren't even spiky and like didn't even dent the car, come on Sub Zero you gotta do better than that

Jax the whole point of a bluetooth headset is so you don't have to take it off when you're done calling

If the black guy dies here to Sub Zero I'm gonna be real grumpy

Cool fatality bro

still grumpy

I am here for all these location shots tho, like dang, Earth is a beautiful place

This Big Bad is simultaneously like "don't worry about the Elder Gods or Raiden I got dis" and also like "we can't possibly win if we didn't cheat" like which is it, are you all powerful or super scared you're not powerful enough

Ah, it appears we've reached Exposition Base. I can't wait for Everything to Be Explained.

"I spent years trying to figure out what it all means"
*proceeds to explain exactly what it all means*

Okay I appreciate the lampshading/poking fun at "Mortal Kombat" being spelled wrong

I didn't know Wolverine was in this movie

Wait we've spent 34 minutes of this movie throwing knives and swords at people and now Cole threw a knife AT SONYA who threw HERSELF at the monster???

I love this fucking movie so much

Eyyy, a Kano FATALITY!

"Kano Wins"

*golf clap for writers* very well done

"Years of research just destroyed"

Gurl this is why you make digital backups of your files

Also just get a Pinterest board, it's 2021

I cannot believe Kano is currently the best thing about this film right now

"I live in this shithole, you think I got 3 million dollars?"
Bad ADR, good line

Writer 1: "How are we gonna introduce Liu Kang into the gang"
Writer 2: "What if he just walks up in the middle of the desert and joins them"
Writer 1: ...
Writer 2: ...
Writer 1: add a fireball and ship the scene

"I knew it. It's all real."

Sonya, girl, you got attacked by a lizardman alien half a day ago but NOW you believe it?

Honestly mostly just distracted by how attractive Liu Kang is, not gonna lie

OH SHIT HE MADE IT

Wait Liu Kang your job was to find everyone? Yo you slackin', girl with no knowledge of prophecy had figured everything out and found more champions than you up til now, wtf

"What about me Gandalf?"

Honestly, Kano carrying the film right now

Wait who is lightning hat cousin guy? Wait he gets literally no lines or intro before big bad shows up??

...why bother having rules at all if the big bad just shows up whenever then leaves whenever

Raiden why not fry this guy if "conflicts outside the tournament is allowed"

Why try to have logic at all when really we know we're here for FIGHTS and maybe 1-2 TRAINING MONTAGES

Okay but like why is Sonya still here if she doesn't have a marking-OH THEY ARE ADDRESSING THIS RIGHT NOW

Wild to watch a literal "you're not invited to our boys club" scene in a 2021 film but here we are

Magic robot arms Jax, okay, we're here for it, can't wait to watch him magic arm someone to death

Wow they really managed to make Frisbee Hat seem cool and viable as a weapon, well done well done

Wait Liu Kang really just explain he discovered his arcana by killing a child trafficker like that's the way you do it

Yo Jax it's not your fault they gave you fragile twig arms in post

Dinner scene

Liu Kang: Cole, how's your arm?
Jax: ...
Liu Kang: ...
Cole: ...it's, healing fast
Jax: Y'all rude af

...Kano got laser eyes from being angy and racist bc he felt emasculated all while demanding a "fucking eggroll" from the very culture he's trying to denigrate and if that's not the most incredible depiction of white rage I've seen to date in modern cinema I don't know what is

Raiden why the hell didn't you share this exposition earlier you nerd

Me: Wait he's got a marking but they're just gonna let him leave like he's not gonna get insta-ganked outside the barrier? What?
Also me: shhhh less thinking more KOMBAT

Ah, it's the "fuck how many fighters do we have to introduce in this movie? Have the Big Bad just like, call them in a stand up meeting and go through their names or something, I dunno" scene

This guy in the SAME monologue said "Earth's champions don't stand a chance against you" AND THEN GOES ON TO SAY "but I must cheat and murder them before the tournament can begin" like WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT THIS BRO

*Ominous shadow appears*
Big Bad: Prince Goro! You're late to the stand up!

Wait Kano put an Outrealm fighter into an iron lung BEFORE he got his powers?

He IS the strongest Avenger!

I didn't know Smart Hulk was in this movie

It may be 2021 but ladies still have to fight ladies

Chainsaw hat has its own magic rules I guess

That woman with the wings literally existed to be told she was pretty twice then got bisected sans a fight

Shame her death didn't literally cut the number of female characters in this film in half, that would've been more ThEmAtiC

"Dad use your uppercut!"

...me

Where the fuck is Raiden during all this like really sir you slackin' on your god duties

...wait Jax's arcana is a new patch update on his arms? Really?

Kabal: "He's about to get his soul sucked! I love to hear the scream right before exec notes demand us to explain literally what we're about to see on screen and--"

Raiden you had access to John Oliver's void this whole time and just had your babies chillin' in "budget shield temple" instead?

Just realized we're 80 minutes into this 110 minute film and we technically still haven't started the Mortal Kombat

...wait why and how is Raiden zapping the BADDIES where people are and deciding the match ups

Why are you trying to have LOGIC in this and then INSTANTLY breaking your own logic, movie? Why try at all?

Okay, garden gnome kill was worth the set up from earlier, 10/10 fatality

Liu Kang with his fire dragon, like, boy, where was this earlier, but also, well done, well done, 11/10 good boi would pet

Sonya pickin' up her arcana at "plot necessary" pace, we're here for it

Okay, okay, I KNOW this is supposed to be menacing, but this was the hands down funniest moment of the film I'm crying

People teleporting across realms now and you politely show up outside the door to gaze in through the window, okay Sub Zero, you shy boi you