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There's nothing special about the day, or the time, nor has Shouto changed any, when Katsuki realizes that his feelings have changed.
It's not an epiphany.
He thinks some part of him may have known it from the start, but just couldn't grasp it till it felt real inside him.
It's not an epiphany.
He thinks some part of him may have known it from the start, but just couldn't grasp it till it felt real inside him.
Katsuki thinks he feels foolish, but can't muster the acceptance to acknowledge it.
They've lived together for nearly 2 years, getting on to 3. Katsuki hadn't really wanted to, not understanding the rush to cohabitate, but he didn't want to be seen as a half-assed bastard.
They've lived together for nearly 2 years, getting on to 3. Katsuki hadn't really wanted to, not understanding the rush to cohabitate, but he didn't want to be seen as a half-assed bastard.
So he accepted the invitation to live together, for as much as his "damn it, FINE!" could be considered an acceptance.
He cooked for the both of them. Shouto did most of the cleaning, saying, "I don't want to burden you, since you already do so much."
He cooked for the both of them. Shouto did most of the cleaning, saying, "I don't want to burden you, since you already do so much."
For all that Shouto was often unenthused with the idea of being anyone's rival, he was more than enthused to memorize things about him that even he didn't consider all that important.
He knows the tea Katsuki likes in the mornings, prepares them for him when he's free.
He knows the tea Katsuki likes in the mornings, prepares them for him when he's free.
He learns what corner of the bed Katsuki likes and always leaves that space for him, even when he's gone for longer missions.
He learns that Katsuki prefers tight, crushing hugs than gentle affection.
He learns that Katsuki speaks in his actions, than in words.
He learns that Katsuki prefers tight, crushing hugs than gentle affection.
He learns that Katsuki speaks in his actions, than in words.
Katsuki had accepted Shouto's confession and desire to date of his own will, but some part of him never quite believed that Shouto really loved him like that.
It was likely petty, but Katsuki had had enough of being strung along.
It was why he rejected Shouto the first time.
It was likely petty, but Katsuki had had enough of being strung along.
It was why he rejected Shouto the first time.
But Shouto had put up a long-ass fuss about it, insisting on his seriousness. That he wouldn't take his or Katsuki's own feelings lightly, and that he'd like at least one chance to prove his feelings to him.
Katsuki had, eventually, allowed him the chance.
Katsuki had, eventually, allowed him the chance.
Not because he was worn down by Shouto's persistence (for as much as the others liked to say otherwise), nor because he was kind enough to give anyone that kind of chance—
But because he wanted to make his point. He'd said,
"Let's see how deep your feelings go, then."
But because he wanted to make his point. He'd said,
"Let's see how deep your feelings go, then."
Of course, he couldn't allow himself to half-ass this after accepting it. Even if Shouto was the one who confessed and the one with romantic feelings, that didn't mean Katsuki was allowed to slack.
He didn't change any, but he gave Shouto more chances. More of his patience.
He didn't change any, but he gave Shouto more chances. More of his patience.
It was a conscious effort, holding back the reflexive desire to snap at him whenever he said something oblivious, or nonsensical. It was annoying, and he shouldn't have to, but he had his own pride.
This is how love should be like, he'd believed. Full-force, unrelenting.
This is how love should be like, he'd believed. Full-force, unrelenting.
For him, it wasn't in the flimsy sentimentalities, the White Day chocolates, the gooey-eyed gazes, or hand-holding.
It was effort. It's always effort. When he makes sure to free up time for Shouto, even if Shouto won't understand the implication in his actions—
It was effort. It's always effort. When he makes sure to free up time for Shouto, even if Shouto won't understand the implication in his actions—
—he always did it with the belief that it's how love should be, if Shouto truly understood it as he thought. That if Shouto was really as in love as he said he was, he'd just know.
Even if Katsuki hadn't liked him back then, that didn't mean he had to leave everything to him.
Even if Katsuki hadn't liked him back then, that didn't mean he had to leave everything to him.
When Shouto asked for affectionate touches, he allowed it. He never let things go too far, but he could understand the desire—it's human, even if irrational.
When Shouto had asked for a kiss, all pink-faced and slightly timid, even if determined, Katsuki had allowed it too.
When Shouto had asked for a kiss, all pink-faced and slightly timid, even if determined, Katsuki had allowed it too.
Even if it hadn't been Katsuki's intention along the way, he learns things about Shouto too.
How needy he can be, how impatient, when he's sure he can get his way somehow.
How soft his smiles get.
How unabashed he is with his affection, with or without Katsuki's permission.
How needy he can be, how impatient, when he's sure he can get his way somehow.
How soft his smiles get.
How unabashed he is with his affection, with or without Katsuki's permission.
He understands how real Shouto's feelings are when he catches him staring, that first year of their cohabitation. Not because of the staring in itself, but because when Katsuki had asked if something was wrong, he'd just said,
"No...I'm just happy, that you're with me."
"No...I'm just happy, that you're with me."
Those words, along with everything else, stamp it in.
Katsuki had been wrong to disregard Shouto's feelings for him. He wasn't wrong with his caution, but he was wrong in his repeated dismissals, the way he kept believing that Shouto had just understood his own feelings wrongly.
Katsuki had been wrong to disregard Shouto's feelings for him. He wasn't wrong with his caution, but he was wrong in his repeated dismissals, the way he kept believing that Shouto had just understood his own feelings wrongly.
Shouto's a grown man, and an intelligent one. Even if he wasn't the most socially adept because of his family background, that doesn't mean shit when it comes to him understanding himself.
Katsuki should've known better.
What else could he do, but make up for it?
Katsuki should've known better.
What else could he do, but make up for it?
He doesn't do it out of guilt for wronging him (even if Shouto doesn't really know that).
It's a sense of responsibility for his own words. He'd been the one who accepted Shouto's feelings, even if he doubted him at first.
It's only fair for Katsuki to do better by him.
It's a sense of responsibility for his own words. He'd been the one who accepted Shouto's feelings, even if he doubted him at first.
It's only fair for Katsuki to do better by him.
He makes more of an effort, for him.
It's no longer a sense of winning over him, or a sense of pride in proving Shouto wrong. It's reciprocation at its core, making up for the things Shouto has already given him—not in the physical sense, but in the emotional.
It's no longer a sense of winning over him, or a sense of pride in proving Shouto wrong. It's reciprocation at its core, making up for the things Shouto has already given him—not in the physical sense, but in the emotional.
He tries to love him back.
For all that some people say that love is something spontaneous, something that can't be forced, Katsuki knows just as well that the love he believes in isn't something so flimsy to be decided by a whim.
He can make it happen if he wants to.
For all that some people say that love is something spontaneous, something that can't be forced, Katsuki knows just as well that the love he believes in isn't something so flimsy to be decided by a whim.
He can make it happen if he wants to.
Instead of looking inside himself for feelings that haven't grown yet, he looks to the outside, to where Shouto is—by his side and of his own choice, because he wants him that much. Loves him that much.
He looks at Shouto's smiles, his gentle gaze, his affection as it's spoken.
He looks at Shouto's smiles, his gentle gaze, his affection as it's spoken.
Where Katsuki speaks his love in how he cares, for all that it comes off rough, Shouto just...speaks it as it is.
It's effortless, not because he doesn't care, but because all he knows is how to care. Because it's something natural to him, like breathing.
It's effortless, not because he doesn't care, but because all he knows is how to care. Because it's something natural to him, like breathing.
As days pass, as they celebrate another anniversary (with Katsuki's initiative, because Shouto tries but he's not quite used to these things), Katsuki sees more and more just how and why it was he didn't get Shouto's feelings for what they were.
He hadn't understood him.
He hadn't understood him.
And he had believed that it was something he could overcome. It was just another obstacle he could win over with sheer will and effort, like always.
He had made the decision to not half-ass anything since the start, and so believed he could carry this through like anything else.
He had made the decision to not half-ass anything since the start, and so believed he could carry this through like anything else.
They made it through 2 years. Katsuki never said anything along the lines of "I like you" or "I love you", and Shouto had never pushed him for it. He was patient, surprisingly, and Katsuki felt like an asshole—
But not enough to push himself too soon into saying anything untrue.
But not enough to push himself too soon into saying anything untrue.
He should've realized it then.
He should've figured it out from the very start.
But he'd been an idiot, for all that it hurts him to accept it. He'd been stubborn, too persistent for his own good—and in the exact same way he thought he hated Shouto for at the start.
He should've figured it out from the very start.
But he'd been an idiot, for all that it hurts him to accept it. He'd been stubborn, too persistent for his own good—and in the exact same way he thought he hated Shouto for at the start.
He just didn't love Shouto like that. Even if he knows how he looks when he smiles that smile he doesn't show anyone else, even when he knows his warm gaze when they've just woken up on a weekend...
If love existed somewhere inside him, if he *could* love Shouto like that—
If love existed somewhere inside him, if he *could* love Shouto like that—
Then saying something so simple would've never been so hard.
Instead, every time he thinks to put those words in his mouth, to say them to Shouto's face—
He just feels sick. Like a liar forcing things that aren't meant for him.
Instead, every time he thinks to put those words in his mouth, to say them to Shouto's face—
He just feels sick. Like a liar forcing things that aren't meant for him.
His determination, so swiftly, died out like a doused fire.
What had he been so stubborn for? What had he made Shouto wait so long for?
What was the purpose of it all, when he doesn't even see a future where he can mouth "I love you" to this man he lives with?
What had he been so stubborn for? What had he made Shouto wait so long for?
What was the purpose of it all, when he doesn't even see a future where he can mouth "I love you" to this man he lives with?
Shouto hadn't changed. Neither had Katsuki, for all that he believed he had.
The day is just like any other day. Not rainy, but somewhat cloudy.
Katsuki's sat on the couch while Shouto's on the floor, resting his head against Katsuki's knee.
He says,
"Let's break up."
The day is just like any other day. Not rainy, but somewhat cloudy.
Katsuki's sat on the couch while Shouto's on the floor, resting his head against Katsuki's knee.
He says,
"Let's break up."
"...what?"
Shouto looks up at him from the floor, eyes wide with apparent shock.
"Let's break up," Katsuki repeats, not changing the bluntness of his tone.
"Did I...do something wrong?"
"No."
"Then why?"
"'cause I couldn't learn to love you back. It's not your fault."
Shouto looks up at him from the floor, eyes wide with apparent shock.
"Let's break up," Katsuki repeats, not changing the bluntness of his tone.
"Did I...do something wrong?"
"No."
"Then why?"
"'cause I couldn't learn to love you back. It's not your fault."
Shouto blinks, then seems to relax for some reason Katsuki doesn't get.
Then, Shouto says, "It's okay."
"Huh?"
"I told you, I can wait. I don't mind if it's not now."
Katsuki grits his teeth, and swallows the ache inside him at the patience—the fondness—in Shouto's gaze.
Then, Shouto says, "It's okay."
"Huh?"
"I told you, I can wait. I don't mind if it's not now."
Katsuki grits his teeth, and swallows the ache inside him at the patience—the fondness—in Shouto's gaze.
Katsuki's not the kind to be so concerned with other people, or what they think of him. He's just not that type of person, even when he gets lambasted for it often.
But here, now, being aware that Shouto's perfectly okay with waiting however long for him—
He feels like shit.
But here, now, being aware that Shouto's perfectly okay with waiting however long for him—
He feels like shit.
"Shouto, I'm not saying I can't now. I'm saying I don't see a future where I say it back."
Shouto stares at him from the floor. Katsuki pulls him up to his feet, forcing him to sit on the couch because he can't take looking down on him.
"...then, I must've missed something."
Shouto stares at him from the floor. Katsuki pulls him up to his feet, forcing him to sit on the couch because he can't take looking down on him.
"...then, I must've missed something."
"I said, it's not your fault—"
"There must be something I don't know," Shouto says, looking serious now, finally seeming to understand the finality in Katsuki's tone. "Something I'm not doing. Please, tell me. I'll—"
"Shouto. You were...a great boyfriend."
"There must be something I don't know," Shouto says, looking serious now, finally seeming to understand the finality in Katsuki's tone. "Something I'm not doing. Please, tell me. I'll—"
"Shouto. You were...a great boyfriend."
"Were?" Shouto chokes out, looking betrayed. "If I were a great one, then you wouldn't try to break up with me, would you?"
"You can't force feelings."
"And I'm not," Shouto says, voice soft. Not the sweet kind of soft, but something unfamiliar. A little sad. "I said I'd wait."
"You can't force feelings."
"And I'm not," Shouto says, voice soft. Not the sweet kind of soft, but something unfamiliar. A little sad. "I said I'd wait."
"You can't wait *forever*."
"I can, and I will," Shouto says.
Katsuki rubs at his face with one hand, feeling his heart sinking further and further at Shouto's stubbornness. It's not even his fault.
Katsuki had led him on, hadn't he?
"I don't want you to," he says eventually.
"I can, and I will," Shouto says.
Katsuki rubs at his face with one hand, feeling his heart sinking further and further at Shouto's stubbornness. It's not even his fault.
Katsuki had led him on, hadn't he?
"I don't want you to," he says eventually.
"That's not your call to make," Shouto says, frowning. "These are my feelings, and I'm fine with waiting. I'm not forcing you to accept me now, I—"
"I can't take it, alright!" Katsuki snaps, interrupting Shouto before he can go on. "I can't take being with you and not..!"
"I can't take it, alright!" Katsuki snaps, interrupting Shouto before he can go on. "I can't take being with you and not..!"
He heaves out a sigh, and passes a hand through his hair.
"I can't take being with you anymore while feeling like shit 'cause I can't reciprocate."
Shouto doesn't say anything for a moment.
Then,
"Did you fall in love with someone else?"
Katsuki frowns. "No."
"I can't take being with you anymore while feeling like shit 'cause I can't reciprocate."
Shouto doesn't say anything for a moment.
Then,
"Did you fall in love with someone else?"
Katsuki frowns. "No."
"Then," Shouto says, looking confused, hopeful, and just desperate enough that Katsuki feels sick down to his stomach. "If there's no one else, why do we have to break up? You don't have to do anything for me, Katsuki. I told you, I'm fine just being with you."
Katsuki had known breaking up would be hard. He had expected Shouto to cry, that he'd feel like a bastard about it, and he was fine with that. He was fine with carrying that burden in his heart forever.
But Shouto convincing him to stay hurt more than he expected it to.
But Shouto convincing him to stay hurt more than he expected it to.
The easiest way out of this would've been if Shouto hated him. If Shouto just felt betrayed, and thrown him out for leading him on.
But that wasn't what he did.
Katsuki doesn't understand what he did to deserve this, or his love.
"I'm getting my things," he says, standing up.
But that wasn't what he did.
Katsuki doesn't understand what he did to deserve this, or his love.
"I'm getting my things," he says, standing up.
"No," Shouto says, grabbing at his wrist before he can go. "Please, let's talk about it? Don't go. I'll...I'll try to understand you more, so—"
"Shouto, I can't keep doing this to you. You need to find someone who'll be kinder with you."
"You *are* kind to me!" Shouto snaps.
"Shouto, I can't keep doing this to you. You need to find someone who'll be kinder with you."
"You *are* kind to me!" Shouto snaps.
"Not enough to love you back!" Katsuki says, prying Shouto's hand off of him. "I know you say you're fine with waiting, but I'm not. I'm not fine making you wait anymore. I don't *want* you to wait anymore. I'm..."
Shouto looks angry, and yet.
"...sorry, Shouto. I am."
Shouto looks angry, and yet.
"...sorry, Shouto. I am."
The apology seems to break something in Shouto, the way his lips tremble.
Katsuki can't look at him anymore, so he doesn't. He gets his things—already packed, because something inside him had felt the need to leave before he even said anything.
He goes, and doesn't look back.
Katsuki can't look at him anymore, so he doesn't. He gets his things—already packed, because something inside him had felt the need to leave before he even said anything.
He goes, and doesn't look back.
- fin
I wrote this thread since I've always wanted to try my hand at a story where Katsuki gives Shouto a chance with him, but that chance just isn't enough for him to form feelings in return.
Kinda sad, but hey, crying can be good sometimes too
Thanks for reading this far!
I wrote this thread since I've always wanted to try my hand at a story where Katsuki gives Shouto a chance with him, but that chance just isn't enough for him to form feelings in return.
Kinda sad, but hey, crying can be good sometimes too
Thanks for reading this far!
