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Tw mental health//depersonalization
lol so like my last therapist saw me in 2016 and the last visit was bc i freaked out and broke up with a guy i was seeing (rocd) and depersonalized for a week straight & didnt eat. Couldn& #39;t feel anything. Didn& #39;t talk.
lol so like my last therapist saw me in 2016 and the last visit was bc i freaked out and broke up with a guy i was seeing (rocd) and depersonalized for a week straight & didnt eat. Couldn& #39;t feel anything. Didn& #39;t talk.
I am now looking back man...what a trip. In HS i had panic attacks every day. Therapist told me that my brain developed a new way to panic by shutting down (neural pathways). She was v concerned and rightly so. this was after HS btw
I lost my access to mental healthcare shortly after that last visit so i just stopped altogether. Guy that i dumped had hyperactive type adhd. Go figure. no wonder i liked him i guess lol
i think that& #39;s the event that really clued me in to the fact that something wasn& #39;t "normal" about me. Any mentally healthy/ NT person doesn& #39;t do that (and I did my freaking out thing nearly 3 times to two other people by that point)
I think about this often and a lot more now considering how much more I& #39;ve learned abt myself (re: adhd). And it makes me feel worse about it. Dude didn& #39;t do anything wrong, just got caught in the crosshairs of my mental illness(es).
It was what made me truly think about the effects of my actions on other people. I eventually apologized to him and explained that i had a lot of trauma and was met with kindness of all things. I hope he& #39;s doing well. We had a lot more in common than i realized
We eventually went our separate ways (we were coworkers) and as he faded out of my life, Tyler began to fade in. Fucker showed up out of nowhere one day on my FB and had a crush on me since the day he added me. Lmao
My sister and her friend wanted to set me up with him/there was a conversation about how good together we would be and i was like NO. NO DATING. but Tyler and i kind of naturally became friends anyway. WHOOPS
What im getting at is that the person i saw before i met the love of my life was a lesson to me: i needed to get myself under control if i wanted love. I made a lot of mistakes when i was younger that hurt people. I think about that A LOT.
It has cost me friendships. Sometimes i just don& #39;t know how to interact with others. And it& #39;s not intentional, i promise. It& #39;s definitely one of the less glamorous symptoms of being someone like me.
The first guy wasn& #39;t the only person i hurt on accident. There was this other person I& #39;m just going to call...Citrus. I& #39;m not sure where they are now. I& #39;m not sure what their pronouns are and i don& #39;t want to deadname them.
Listen. I& #39;m kind of a dingus. I had a really hard time telling when people liked me growing up. Much less so if it was someone i was just friends with. Citrus was someone i really admired. Their art. Their appearance. Their creativity. I even envied their home life.
We did a lot of stuff together, even going to our first convention and sharing a hotel room freshman year of HS. We were noticed by our drama teacher when we performed together. I remember rehearsing Cell Block Tango in their basement and wowing our teacher a few days later.
If i recall properly...i think i even slept in their bed next to them. I cant remember at what point it was during our friendship (14 or 15 years old) they came out as pansexual. Cool!
But then they started (jokingly at first) talking about cuddling and hugging. I was like hell yeah platonic friend stuff. Everything went way over my head. Our hotel room at the con we had to share the floor bc there was 6 of us (2 parents, 2 siblings, Citrus and I) in one room
And we ended up sleeping next to each other on the floor. I remember not thinking anything of it but Citrus was cuddled up against me that night. The con was great. I had fun! Then it was time for our first musical together.
We met all kinds of other kids. From each grade. We all flirted with each other. The musical comes and goes - and a sophomore boy steals my heart the last night of the show by kissing me backstage. Things progress. He becomes my first boyfriend. Citrus...was upset.
They started crying at the lunch table. Wouldn& #39;t talk to me. Became very short tempered and rude. It wasn& #39;t until later that i realized all those jokes were serious. They meant everything they told me. Hell i think they even told me they were serious and my Peanut Brain missed it
Regardless. I feel bad about it. I really didn& #39;t mean to make them feel like i was leading them on. To this day I am STILL confused about my orientation. So Citrus...I& #39;m sorry. I never meant to cause you any pain. It has haunted me since I realized how you really felt.
And while I& #39;m here. Like I mentioned before: i needed to get my mental health under control. To JP - I am sorry for the 2 1/2 years of our lives that seemed to be endlessly chaotic. Unfortunately you were there when it started getting out of control, and I& #39;m sorry.
I& #39;m sorry for being so stuck in my head all the time. But please know that it had nothing to do with you. We were both just kids with no clue what we were doing. I know I was toxic then. As soon as the panic attacks stopped when we split...that was the spark that helped me
get where I am now. You had your own issues to deal with and I wish you well. I hope you& #39;ve been able to find the comfort you needed that I wasn& #39;t able to provide. I would be lying if I said i don& #39;t think about you or the others in this thread often. Because I do.
I don& #39;t wish things were different. I am at a point in my life where I& #39;ve had these words bottled up and nowhere to put them because I am embarrassed that I have held onto them for so long. I haven& #39;t seen you in 7 years. I have held onto a majority of this for that long.
I am sorry to everyone that has seen me at my worst. My most clueless. My most confused. I really want to do right and finally be free from the rumination and repetitive brain fog. And I want to stop hurting people in the process. That process doesn& #39;t end. My coping behaviors
