It’s officially May 1st, 2021 CST. 10 years ago, on a Sunday morning at sunrise, the call came. My mother had taken her life by throwing herself off a bridge a few short hours before. It wasn’t the first time she traumatized me, but it was her most public display of affection.

I wasn’t surprised. I’d been expecting this my entire life. But, I was devastated. That’s a word you don’t get to use often and I hope you never know it the way I have.

There was no longer any hope. She/we would never have another chance on this plane to make any of it right

My mother was a complicated woman who let her pain and fear shape her life. Every slight, real or perceived, triggered a cruelty in her that she couldn’t control and I was always the easiest target. She shaped behaviors in me that I’ve been working my whole life to course correct

I deserved a mother that loved me. We all do. But, I didn’t get that. And, I’m at peace with it finally because I know that’s truly just the way the cards fell. And, I now forgive her...because she really didn’t know any other way. And I do. Maybe because of her.

So, if you ever wonder why I’d rather walk away from pointless battles and why I meditate and talk to trees and pray to the cosmos for everyone that has ever hurt me and why I work so fucking hard every day to forgive and let go and walk away from the pain givers

and towards the light bringers and build others up and give and give and give even when I don’t get back and to always fucking choose to laugh anyway, now you know.

It’s because I know all too well how poisonous things seed and what happens when you tender your soul with pain, and I much prefer growing truly beautiful things