no, i'm not gonna shit on someone who decides that their dynamic with an abuser was worse than they thought after they get space from that person. that's assault and abuse 101, haven't we learned anything during this time?

it's a coping mechanism after a traumatic experience to fawn and assure an abuser that they weren't /actually/ culpable. after all, how could someone who claims to care about you violate your boundaries or hurt you like that? it must be a little bit your fault, right?

you rationalize it. you excuse the inexcusable. you take more personal responsibility than necessary and make excuses for them, because you care about them and don't want them to feel bad. you usually end up doing emotional labor to make /them/ feel better.

that is, until you set boundaries and get distance from them. you reflect and internalize your experiences. and you see the horrified looks on your friends faces when you tell them what really happened.

that's the nature of this shit. anyone spinning narratives of "well why didn't they say it was abuse for so long? see, the accuser took responsibility too! this is just jealousy!" is making a bad faith argument and is wildly misinformed on trauma and abuse.

not to mention that this rhetoric is usually 1 breath away from turning into "well if it was actuuually assault/abuse, why didn't you report it? don't you care about your community?" these impulses come from the same place and we would all benefit to dismantle them when it arises