I'm currently writing an article - it's a mix between theoretical and reflective about what it means to be autistic and creating autism research. It's the hardest thing I have ever written - hands down. 1/

I've been thinking about it a lot during April because it's autism month. Really engaging with *why* I do autism research because honestly sometimes it feels like masochism. 2/

I'm blunt in my papers and I have no problems calling a spade a spade, or pointing out just how dehumanizing the field of autism research is. I point to the fact that we are compared (unfavourably) to animals, compared to robots, aliens, and constructed as literally subhuman 3/

During my MSc, I would sift through literature, and I would cry - these descriptions of us are degrading, painful, and humiliating. And yet, I went on to do a PhD, and fellowship, and will probably dedicate my entire life to this 4/

But it isn't easy. And we don't talk enough about how making community led research can be dangerous to minorities when the field is in some ways inhospitable to them in so many ways. And oh boy, autism research is brutal. 5/

I get told I am too biased because I am autistic. Not autistic enough. Too autistic. Read accounts which construct me as sub human. I get told I have to disclose being autistic, that I shouldn't disclose. I have been tokenised. Ignored. 6/

And the only reason I do it is because I believe in something better where every generation of autistic people can emerge from research as more human. We have a dehumanisation problem in autism research, and we will keep reproducing the idea of deficit until we address it 7/

And I feel vulnerable writing about this because I often find that it is the autistic autism researchers out there who work reflexively, and who are the most transparent. But the system will be broken until all autism researchers are transparent. 8/

About their values, their methods, and their constructions of autistic people. 9/

We need to talk openly about positionality, perspective, and knowledge production. And I don't mean only qualitative research - I mean everything and anything that mentions autism in any form. 10/

Anyone who writes about autism or autistic people should be engaging reflexively with their presuppositions, their values, and positions and would do well to remember that there will always be an autistic person who reads it. 11/

And honestly, I have no idea how to protect the autistic students who come to me and ask how I handle reading this material, because actually I don't know. We need to do better. 12/122