I have five cats, for those following along at home. Moon Rover is just the #1 cuddle boy who I talk about the most.

I SHALL INTRODUCE YOU TO ALL THE CATS

This is Princess Unicorn. She’s a little asshole who everyone loves, but she mostly loves Derek. She is a perfect baby who bites me about once a week. Her Twitter is @BabyPreencess. When she was a baby, she looked worried all the time.

This is Grimdark, Princess Unicorn’s brother. He loves everyone, and he brings at least one toy to me at my desk every day. He enjoys belly rubs and basically every other type of attention. If it’s attention and it isn’t actively harming him, he’s probably into it.

You can't tell in those pics, but Grimdark is W I D E. We love a wide boy.

Another important fact about Grimdark is that when I yawn, he tries to put his entire face in my mouth.

This is Moon Rover, who most of you know (he’s the vest boy), but I want to say more about him. He wants to be on me or being squished by me on the couch all the time. He hates Princess Unicorn and loves cheese. His Twitter is @DenimCatMoony.

Princess Unicorn also hates him, to clarify.

OH SO THE DEAL WITH MOONY WEARING CLOTHES: Moon Rover has a lot of anxiety, and wearing clothes that give him a little bit of a squeeze seems to help. He confined himself to one room for a long time, and he only started coming out of that room when we got him a sweater.

Out of all my cats, only Moon Rover and Princess Unicorn have twitter accounts. You might think from their Twitters that Princess Unicorn is a big bully and Moon Rover is just a victim, but Moony is just better at acting innocent.

This is Robobots, who we always call Bobo. She’s our smallest and shyest cat. She taught herself to play fetch, and she always wants Derek and me to be in the bedroom, where she spends most of her time. If you come to my house, you will probably never see her. She loves Grimdark.

Seriously, my mother-in-law has been feeding our cats when we're out of town for years, and she's never seen Bobo.

Bobo is a light and delicate cat, and she's very affectionate now that she's come out of her shell more. She's very bossy, though. She meows at us a lot during the day, because she wants us to go to bed so she can cuddle us. idk why she won't just cuddle us in the living room.

This is Batman Sounds, who only answers to Baby Boy. Perfect child, loves to put his face in Derek’s beard. He also loves to climb on my shoulder, even though he’s too big for that now.

Baby Boy likes to lie on my chest, put his paws on either side of my neck in a little hug, and then mercilessly lick my chin.

All my cats are rescues, and we bottle fed all of them except Moon Rover, who we got from a guy who rescued him and raised him for a little while.

When we went to the guy's apartment to meet Moon Rover, I sat in the bathroom and read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland to him until he fell asleep with his head on my foot.

Princess Unicorn and Grimdark were rescued by my sister and her ex-wife, but we still got them when they were very young (about 5 weeks I think). We got Princess first, and then Grimdark was the only one who she didn't have serious beef with when we went to get a second one.

Moon Rover was our third cat. We didn't plan on getting any more after that, but there's a feral colony in our backyard. We took Bobo in because she was starving.

After that, Batman Sounds showed up on our porch in a parade of tabbies, none of whom appeared to be his mother or litter mates? I have no idea what was going on there, but he was very dehydrated, so we took him in too.

Anyway, now you know about all my human children.