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Hi. I wasn’t gonna say anything publicly but my friends convinced me that I should say something
I want to premise this statement by saying, what I’m about to say is true. However at the time of this taking place I was 17 years old and I had no idea what sex was suppose to be like
The relationship I was in at the time was incredibly toxic. We were horrible to eachother, and controlling. I’m not using my mental health as an excuse for any of this but I was extremely not okay at that time
I was very controlling as I was convinced that his man was cheating on me, as not only did he flirt with people all the time in front of me but people had expressed concern to me in the past about him possibly cheating
Because of this, I was not in a good head space at all. I didn’t like the thought of him talking to any woman that wasn’t me. I was 100% acknowledge my faults in this relationship and that the bad things that happened verbally were not exclusive to him. However
I’ve been very scared to talk about this but I’ve been talking to a few friends with similar experiences with him and I feel the need to express my thoughts
I used to date a cosplayer, many years ago. At the time of this happening I was 17/18 years old. He coerced me into having sex with him through out our whole relationship. Not every time we had sex was like this. Sometimes I was into it
I didn’t even realise what was happening was wrong. I was so naive and young as this was my first sexual relationship and I had no idea how things like this were suppose to go
However, now I’m a lot older as these events happened many years ago now. I can say that I was raped. I’m sorry if this is graphic and please feel free to not read this part as it’s triggering
I’ve never even spoken about this with me. Mainly because we have eachother blocked. Maybe I should one day and he can explain himself or something
It wasn’t the kind of rape that’s kicking and screaming and begging him to get off of me. It was the kind of rape where he would pressure me to have sex with him and coerce me
It’s taken me a long time to realise that what happened to me wasn’t consensual. It’s only been in this past year that I’ve actually realised this because of posts saying that not all rape and assault is violent
I didn’t even know at the time. I know I didn’t want to have sex, but because I said yes and wasn’t screaming for him to get off of me I just assumed that this was completely normal
Even when we sexted I acted into it. We’d even talk about having sex and I’d be like “yay sex” because at the time I still thought nothing was wrong
But it was. Pressuring someone to have sex and continuing to ask even after I’ve said no is rape. He asked so much that eventually I just said yes so he wouldn’t be cold with me or moan at me all day. One time he even threatened to break up with me if I said no
This is graphic I’m very sorry. If we had sex and I gave him a blowjob, he’d always BEG me to swallow because he didn’t want to deal with the mess, even when I expressed I didn’t like it. Sometimes I consented to this when I actually WANTED to have sex but lots of the time I did-
It just so he wouldn’t be mean to me afterwards. He knew it gave me a headache and made me feel sick but he didn’t care because he didn’t want mess
I don’t want this thread to make people think that I was a perfect girlfriend. His actions (not the rape stuff but the other stuff) made me very mentally ill. Again that’s not an excuse for being controlling or borderline abusive at times but it doesn’t NOT excuse rape
I was 17, there was a massive power imbalance, not just because of the age but also because of his social media presence and the fact that prior to him I had basically nobody
Anyway I want to sum this up by saying. Rape is rape. Even if you’re not screaming no at them. If someone pressures you into having sex and makes you think you have no other choice that is rape
The cosplayer I’m talking about is redheadedchinny. And this story is long overdue
I don’t even know if he’s aware that what he did to me wasn’t consensual all of the time. But if he reads this, he knows now. Kai, Im truly sorry for the way I acted in that relationship. A lot of the time I was also an asshole. But I got help and I am definitely no longer like-
That. And I pray to god that you are also no longer the way you were in our relationship. This information just needed to come out because I’m sick of holding in this information
This is one snip it from one of our conversations together. I’m not cropping it because I want the full truth out there. In the part where he says he’s always the one to grab me “down there” and I never initiate it
Keep in mind at the time, I still wasn’t understand the issues with this. 98% of time, he was the one to initiate sex and touch me. Because I still wasn’t very confident or even that comfortable with it yet
This is another. Again these aren’t concrete proof. I 100% understand that. It’s just a kind of look into my head at the time of this happening. It’s interesting that I said “if you wanna” instead of actually saying yes
I said it was a good job here because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I loved him SO much. This was my first proper relationship. But he clearly states here that he gave me a love bite when I was half asleep and I couldn’t even feel it
I don’t know if I’m repeating myself here or not, I’m so adrenaline filled I can’t even remember what I’ve already said. But even when I was half asleep and literally hardly aware of my surroundings, he’d beg me to have sex with him. If I explained and said “no I’m too tired”-
He would make me promise him that we’d have sex in the morning. This particular thing happened many times. If I didn’t want to in the morning he’d be really angry with me, talk about blue balls and be really cold with me all day
Honestly around 70% of the time we had sex I did not want to and I was only doing it to make him happy and to avoid drama. Again. I thought this was completely normal and that sex was for men and women weren’t suppose to enjoy sex
He insisted on having sex every day and if we missed a day he’d be upset with me. Even when I was on my period
As this was many years ago, I have no idea if he’s still like this now. I’ve not spoken to him in a long time but I’d like to talk to him about this so he understands what he did to me. But anyway, thank you all for listening. I’m sorry if this made anyone upset
