"This [pronoun] policy is problematic: It pressures people to either out themselves before they're comfortable or lie."

That's actually the pressure trans/nonbinary people who "aren't ready to come out" already face with literally every single gendered interaction.

1/

So if it's annoying to you as a cis person to have to state your pronouns* at the end of an email signature, just own your shit and say you don't like doing it. Don't make it about "protecting" us transes.

*I suspect bc it makes you feel foolish

The writer also expresses concern about a lost sale, and @SocialQPhilip makes a great point that it's up to the firm, not the individual sales person, to weigh the cost/benefit of enacting a firm wide policy.

I feel like this question, "Do I have to state my pronouns?" is an important one, and I recognize the discomfort and vulnerability cis people might feel here.

Increasingly over the years, I'm convinced that cis discomfort with trans people often has nothing to do with sex or gender.

It has to do with not wanting to appear foolish.

(disclaimer: yes, I know that sometimes it -does- have to do with sex/gender, and I recognize the violence against trans people, especially trans women, that so often happens b/c men are afraid of their own sexual objectivity and will literally kill someone to avoid feeling it)

Consider this microaggression.

Unless they know my history or unless I'm in a trans space, people don't typically read me as trans.

So I'll be around someone for months/years, & they always refer to me he/him... (story continued...)

But then when they find out I'm trans (which is something I've chosen to be public about, so this happens often enough), they are still totally cool around me... (cont)

Unless there is a third party present.

(cont)

And now, here's this person who has known me for YEARS and has never once used anything but he/him/his when discussing me...

And now what do they do?

Do they use female pronouns to refer to me?

Not -exactly- but...

They START TO use a female pronoun, and then they stop themselves and correct to a male pronoun.

Which...

That would be a perfectly acceptable way to correct an accidental slip up in pronoun use.

Those happen. I get it. Totally fine if you accidentally say the wrong thing, apologize, and then move on--preferably with no cumbersome hand-wringing, reflection, or pleas for forgiveness.

But in this case, when I'm around a person I've known for weeks or months or years and they have never once used a female pronoun when referring to me...

But now they heard I'm trans, and they start to say "her lead dog..." and stop and say "I'm sorry, -his- lead dog..."

This is not an accidental slip.

It's a way of clarifying to the other cis person that the speaker knows my trans status/history.

You see, they have a dilemma.

They don't want to appear bigoted and uncool, so they don't want to say "she/her" for real...

But they also don't want anyone to think that I fooled them and they are foolish and don't even know about the history of my genitals...

So this microaggression strategy is brilliant.

It allows them to continue having access/goodwill as my friend/coworker/acquaintance/whatever because clearly they're respecting my gender.

But also...

It ensures that the other person knows that they know--

In case the other person is transphobic, the speaker maintains credibility with that person by accidentally/onpurpose stumbling, highlighting the artifice of my pronouns.

If the other person (listener) is -not- transphobic or if they have no idea I'm trans & would just be confused by someone using she/her, there's plausible deniability. It'll just seem like a slip-up, maybe slightly awk, & speaker moves on without any risk of appearing foolish.

Which brings me to another story, I promise shorter.

A few years ago, I was working with someone new to mushing.

They went out for a short run with a small team of dogs (maybe 4 dogs or 6, doesn't totally matter), and they slipped from the sled and lost their team.

Mushers often say "Never let go," but almost all of us have fallen and lost grip on the sled before, so I assured the guy that it was no big deal. All the dogs were safe. The musher was slightly bruised/sore but not hurt in any lasting way.

His favorite down jacket was torn, which kinda sucked.

It felt like a small event, kind of a non-event except for the ripped jacket.

Someone had caught the dog team right away. And, even if they hadn't, it was only a mile or so from the kennel the guy was working with, so there was never any danger of exposure or strandedness.

A total best case scenario, if you're going to lose a dog team.

But for some reason, the guy, who was a really cool person and had lots of outdoor experience and was generally very chill, was--

maybe traumatized is too strong a word--

was lingeringly disturbed all day and even now mentions this incident fairly often.

He kept processing the events over and over, and I and the other mushers in his circle just kept telling him we've all been there and it's no big deal...

Of course, each time he tells the story, different aspects/details are highlighted, depending on context and on how much time we have.

But one detail always stays the same.

One prepositional phrase that he has used every time he tells this story, from the day it happened, til now.

"...in front of my wife."

Sometimes, "right in front of my wife," sometimes just "in front of my wife." But always with emphasis on this detail. That his wife saw him fall and his wife helped secure the team.

Now, this guy isn't a jerk. He values women as humans (which I find rare among men) and doesn't seem particularly threatened by women who are better than he is at various things (even more rare).

But still. He's deeply disturbed by feeling foolish. By being seen by his wife this way. Doing the one thing new mushers are told again and again NEVER to do--letting go!*

*I find the "Never let go" rule problematic, but that's for another thread

His story there is what I think of when I hear someone say that women meeting someone for a date may fear sexual violence/death while men are more often fearing rejection or feeling inferior.

Because the level of woundedness he describes in having this happen "in front of his wife" is excruciating. When he replays the scene in slow-mo in his mind, he is being dragged by sled dogs (in other words, he's out of control) and his wife is there, watching.

I don't judge the guy for feeling this way. Feelings are feelings.

I just find it telling.

It is a privilege to be worried about appearing foolish.

/end