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I like local classic car shows, but here& #39;s a thread of petty things I dislike because I& #39;m a miserable person.
Some rockabilly dweebs always turn up and start playing annoying 1950s music out of their car. Nobody asks or wants them to do this.
There will almost inevitably be some kind of petty rules to keep "wrong sorts" out, which will usually be something arbitrary like age. This will be ignored when their mate turns up in a car that is 10 years too new.
Some clubs will sit around in a circle of deckchairs and stare daggers at anyone who goes near their cars while complaining about the show not being as good as the old days.
Sometimes there will be signs in the window of the cars and the cars are talking in first-person and they will even go on about how lucky they are to have the owner they have. The owner typed all this.
If there& #39;s a public speaker system, somebody will be droning incomprehensible nonsense through it for the majority of the event.
No matter how early you turn up to the show, there& #39;s always somebody who is already leaving.
If you go round taking photos of cars, you& #39;ll always finding at least one photo where there& #39;s somebody& #39;s elderly wife sat in the passenger seat looking absolutely furious. You will swear that they weren& #39;t there when you took the photo.
At the autojumble, at least 20% of the stalls will contain nothing to do with cars. At least one of them will solely sell old jigsaws and mugs that mostly came free with Easter eggs.
Areas will be separated arbitrarily by ropes that serve no purpose other than giving the guy on the public speaker system something to whinge about when people inevitably duck under or climb over them.
When the blabbermouth on the public speaker system finally shuts up giving inaccurate and unwanted information about cars, the communal sigh of relief becomes a groan as they place the mic next to a portable stereo playing Vera Lynn for the next hour.
If there& #39;s some kind of prize-giving event, the person presenting it will come across mildly upset that 80% of the show don& #39;t really care that their mate& #39;s Alvis is receiving a small trophy presented by the mayor/councillor/some guy who runs the local carpet warehouse.
Every show will be policed by a duo of grey-looking men who will personally examine each car and make it loudly clear that they feel "this sort of car shouldn& #39;t really be at this show". They will report their findings to each other as the show goes on.
Every other child will be holding some kind of small toy that was popular about a five years ago but nobody cares about it now. You suspect it comes from the lousy little funfair at the side. For 2021, it& #39;ll be fidget spinners.
If you want refreshment, warm cans of Fanta Orange are available for just ÂŁ2. Alternatively, you can just get bent.
Going back to the funfair, here is a photo of every funfair at every local classic car show.
(man stares at car) "Yeah, I wouldn& #39;t have done it like that"
(man stares at car) "That& #39;s not correct for that year" "I know that, you simply can& #39;t get them any more, so I put this on instead" "Yeah, well, but that& #39;s not the point is it, that& #39;s not correct for that year"
(man stares at car) "That& #39;s not correct for that year" "Actually it is, it& #39;s a special edition, they did it with these few months in 1988 as a runout model" "It can& #39;t be" "I have the brochure right here" "No" "It& #39;s right here in the brochure" "LA LA LAA I CAN& #39;T HEAR THIS"
Some guy will be rubbing a ÂŁ12 bottle of Meguiar& #39;s Endurance Tyre Gel into the cracked sidewalls of some 30-year-old remoulds. "They keep going brown", he says.
A confederate "stars and bars" flag flutters in the wind. The owner doesn& #39;t know anything about American history, but there& #39;s literally no other way of communicating "my Oldsmobile Alero is an American car!" than to fly that flag from The Dukes of Hazzard.
Rule of Hot Rods - the more weird and ridiculous and silly the Hot Rod, the more moody/serious the owner will try to look. "Everyone thinks I& #39;m so cool" thinks the owner, squinting through their shades and chewing a toothpick as they drive past the steam organs and tombola table.
