hi, Rolayo just in the mood to rant again>>

ok so i have this “toxic” and unhealthy habit of competition, but it’s low-key.

not a lot, but sometimes i stress myself out wanting to be better than someone {people},
not because i want to be good enough for me, which should be the ideal reason.

…especially better than people i don’t like.

not out of envy, not out of jealousy, not out of distaste, not out of hate, not out of pride,
but out of plain competition and trying to push myself to do better…. better than not only MYSELF but others as well.

there’s healthy competition,
and there’s this one going on in my head.

Superiority complex? no. i don’t THINK i’m better, i just aspire to be, in the most respectful way

God complex? not that either.

Pride? Prideful people won’t bother, they’ll just acclaim it.
no effort.

but it also leads me to think what if that’s my driving force?

my friends, people i like, people that are good to me, i never forcefully say to myself “I have to do this better than xy”
but the people i don’t like, the people who have bad intent with good abilities, i just have to do it better.

humbling them, maybe?

if i didn’t have a “standard” i want to pass will i move forward? will i WANT to move forward?

because what’ll be the point?

ending this thread, reading it bottom up, is it really a toxic trait? or a natural human feeling?

not an “obsession” with being better but a strive to be the best, and if the best is better than others then great.

do i lack contentment with myself?
am i just a really driven person?am i a proud fuck who likes to stunt on others?
or do i just care too much what other people, with different strengths, abilities and weaknesses think?