Hey friends. I’m just up by myself thinking about all of the years I wasted trying to be someone I’m not and have never been.

I wish so badly that I could go back to my 21 year old self and give her confidence to stop trying to fit a mould that wasn’t made for her to fit into.

I don’t know that I’ll ever not be sad that I felt the need to look like this in our engagement photos. There’s nothing wrong with this style except that it is not me and has never been me and never will be me, but I did it because I felt like I had to be this person.

And it’s so much more than just wearing an outfit that isn’t “me.” I can’t even explain it, but I am grieving lost years of authenticity. My heart hurts for my younger self, and it hurts for my current self because I missed out on so much that I should’ve experienced.

I’m so angry that we live in a culture that demands homogeneity. I’m so angry that we live in a culture that mapped my life out for me before I could map it out for myself. A culture that predetermines our pronouns and who we can love and how we should dress and speak and vote.

I need it to be perfectly clear that I can genuinely love my life and be happy with how things ended up for me as well as grieve the life I missed out on because of societal and cultural pressure to be something I’m not.