Healing through it

TW // Substance Abuse, Assaults, Depression and Anxiety

I have suffered through eating disorders, body image issues etc which always made me feel super lonely and alone even if i have people around me. I started abusing substances because otherwise I was not accepted in groups to work for projects with

Through my journey of healing and still am healing, it's deconstruction of what people wanted to constructing a belief of what I wanted. I went to therapy after I found out about LOA and thought holistic therapy would be best. I was made to spiral more into self doubt and hate

because of terms "everyone is a reflection of you", for someone who has been physically, verbally and emotionally abused made me think I am really an awful person since everyone is a reflection of who I am. It made me spiral into "It happened because i deserved it"

it led to later on with them using more terms like "your subconscious fears are the reason why you attract abuse and you attract horrible relationships" which put me in a position where I started abusing substances again

because if I am really that terrible why not just drink it away or smoke it away etc. I went completely numb, it was a numbness where I couldn't feel any pain even if you physically hurt me. The words "switch it, it is in your hands and this is just a phase" made me want

to invalidate my existence, I had moved to complete self destruct mode by individuals in the LOA coaching community where I live, and I was so close to resorting to self harm because of this. A lot of these spiritual coaches do not really know how to create a safe space

for people who are genuinely going through it and put them through hell by purposely triggering wounds and acting superior. I had to cut all that down an entire belief system I formed in 3 years to actually feel a bit better today. My whole faith in the community was shaken up

dismissive behaviours towards what I went through, using phrases like "you are just being so negative" after opening up about how I was legit left to die in the middle of nowhere by one of these big platform guru's really showed me the toxicity these people hold.

I really took time out, I had to do self-therapy by reading these self help books, deconstruct all the bullshit I was taught and finding peace within by creating a safe space for myself. Don't let these people fool you in the name of being positive. You went through it.

I'm getting out of it slowly, it feel so good to see myself again after such a long time. Noone's opinions really matter anymore. I am feeling happy for myself without anyone or anything, a weird sense of freedom. x